100524

[prismaticbleed]

✳ I "HATE" WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME "ARE YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?" "ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?" etc. BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE IMPLYING OR EVEN DICTATING THAT I'M NOT, EVEN IF I AM OKAY. WHY ARE YOU PLANTING BAD SEEDS IN MY HEAD??? I want to say, "YEAH, I AM OKAY; STOP SAYING/ TELLING ME THAT I'M NOT"!!
✳ PRACTICE "FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE" = GROW PEACE!

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So, at my dear nutritionist's request, I tried the chicken corndog today instead of the pizza, and unfortunately they were SHOCKINGLY TRIGGERING and it shook me up SO BADLY that I need to journal about it, or it'll make me even more physically ill than it already has, haha. All coping-attempt jokes aside, I'm legit shaking. First, the cornmeal coating "activated" SOME childhood(?) memory, but it's so unclear I can't "see" it. But it "pinged" IMMEDIATELY so it's legit. The only thing I'm "SEEING" is COUNTRY JUNCTION in the fall?? And POSSIBLY something with FAST FOOD. Was there some place that sold palm-size, ROUND & semiflat cornbread discs/ patties? Because THAT'S the image flash I'm getting from the VERY SPECIFIC & UNIQUE flavor: it's NOT what "REAL" or even "box" cornbread tastes like, and it has a "sweeter" tone & "heavier" flavor than mom's cornbread cookies or pancakes. This is PARTICULARLY "processed" cornmeal 7 the ONLY thing I CAN "associate" with it that IS pinging CLOSE is HUSHPUPPIES from Long John Silvers, but they ALSO have a "wheat" tone (white, not yellow) so it's NOT exact. But man, that was a TOTALLY NEW MEMORY CALLUP so I AM grateful.
...The problem is the memory that the HOT DOG triggered. It was ALMOST the EXACT taste, AND the EXACT TEXTURE, as the hot dogs that grandma would chop up & mix with pork n' beans. ...which, as you know, was the exact food she pretended to choke to death on when I was a child. I can still see her still body on the yellow tile floor. I can smell the distinguishing perfume of her clothes. I can still see my young face in the bathroom mirror, contorted in unbearable terror & grief, as I screamed like the world had ended. I can still taste the hot dogs & beans as they fell, half-chewed, from my agonized mouth into the ghastly green sink. Every time I taste a hot dog I am right back in that moment. I don't know how to deal with it. I haven't eaten a hot dog in YEARS. So this was SO sudden & SO unexpected that it made it SO MUCH MORE DISTURBING. I'm genuinely shaking. I feel like a child again, weeping hysterically & totally helpless & confused & maybe even angry? Why did she do that? Didn't she know I loved her? Didn't she realize how much that would hurt me? But she WASN'T dead. The world hadn't ended. But that minute of sheer apocalyptic terror had been scalded into my soul. I couldn't possibly finish eating those hot dogs, seeing them all chewed up in the sink, proof of the wound I had just received. But I had to. But I don't remember. All I remember is her suddenly resuscitated, standing & laughing with an unsettling insincerity as she stood at the bartable by my empty seat & half-full bowl, jeering at my response. I remember a hurricane of emotions that I couldn't understand. Then it all got shoved back into the black ocean of dissociation, and I sat down, and I don't remember anything, and I ate. Like I did today.
...I've never actually processed it, it seems. And so I thank God for this revelation, to bring it back into present recall, to make it real & present, so I can (by grace, with time) finally feel & heal that scalded wound. But it's still so tender & terrible. It hurts. I'm shaking. How do I deal with this, right now? Focus on the LOVE. I love her anyway. That wound PROVED it. Forgive. Give thanks.

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✳I'M A "BAD PERSON" ONLY WITHOUT GOD'S GRACE!!! But REMEMBER YOU ARE BAPTIZED & YOU HAVE HIS GRACE AND HIS HOLY SPIRIT!!! STOP DOUBTING THIS JUST BECAUSE YOU STILL STRUGGLE WITH CONCUPISCENCE AND SIN. YOU'RE NOT GOD. YOU WILL STUMBLE. HE KNOWS THIS. HE WON'T & CAN'T ABANDON YOU-- HE IS A GOD OF COVENANT!!!

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✳ "What did I learn about myself this week?" = that I'm STILL being "beaten up/ thrown around/ "CONTROLLED" by "TWISTED CORE BELIEFS" that have persisted for YEARS. (AND ONLY BECAUSE YOU AREN'T UNTWISTING THEM TOGETHER!!!)
✳ SERIOUSLY, START REVIEWING THE ARCHIVE DATA ON THIS & TAKE NOTES. WE KNEW WHAT WE WERE DOING. WE MUST CONTINUE ON FROM THERE! (AND START "EDITING" IT INTO PUBLISHABLE BOOK FORMAT!!!)

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✳ "EATING" IS STILL "THE ENEMY" IN SOME WAY??? The therapist said "MEALPLANS" are a "STEP TO RECOVERY" & that sounded SO "STUPID"/ SHALLOW it made me FURIOUS?? It felt like she was saying that, if I "just spend MORE time & effort on FOOD"-- notably "EXCESS/ LUXURY" food variation that WASTES TIME & EFFORT & ENERGY that I COULD be using to LIVE & CREATE & WORSHIP, IF I KEEP "MEALPLANNING" SIMPLE & STRAIGHTFOWARD & HUMBLE, INSTEAD OF "FIGURING OUT WHAT NEW THING TO DO/ EAT" WHICH IS IDIOTIC-- then "IT'LL FIX YOUR TRAUMA." And THAT is REALLY distilling the impact but it's TRUE. "Inventing" a ridiculously unnecessary list of "meal plans" when I ONLY NEED THREE, TOPS, and can FREELY ADAPT, is going to JUST BECOME ANOTHER OBSESSIVE-UNHEALTHY FOOD COMPULSION that TAKES ME AWAY FROM TRUE HEALTH/ RECOVERY. I apologize, it just stung. I DO agree that having A "standing plan" (SIMPLE!!!) DOES help, so we HAVE a "go to" solution in a pinch, instead of thinking "what I "SHOULD" EAT" & being OVERWHELMED BY TOO MUCH VARIETY/ OPTIONS. BUT I WANT A SET, SIMPLE SCHEDULE. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT FOOD ANYMORE. LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN FOOD!!! It's ONLY FUEL for it... AND an OFFERING of GRATITUDE TO GOD. But it's NOT THE POINT! And it's NOT TRUE LIFE!!!