JAN 19, TWO

[prismaticbleed]

happy entry today, LET'S TRY!!!


I want to catch up on webcomics.
we're marathonning the following:
el indon (which we adore so far; the art style is gorgeous, the characters are great, the story is very intriguing. also LOOK AT THIS PAGE!)
neokosmos (love the art style, very piqued by this story as well)
demon street (third time restarting our read. art style is wonderfully unique.)
snarlbear (we've been reading it spottily as the art is awesome and the designs are awesome and we want to know the story now!)

paranatural had a double update today and it was SO. GOOD.
not only am I super-excited that JOHNNY IS SEEING SHADES NOW AND ALSO HE'S POSSESSED BY FORGE AND HE IS SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT, but also MISTER SPENDER BACKSTORY HINTS AND LUCIFER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and agh it's all so great. SO GREAT.
johnny, max, and mr. spender are my FAVORITE characters so I'm just generally so excited about this.
but the update, lucifer just lays down the law on mr. spender, but at the end he says "that's your problem" and then stops and says "…prove me wrong" and THAT, THAT PANEL,
good lord.
just in general that whole page hit hard, personally. like a lot. which is weird because I don't even relate to most of it.
I think it's just… the laying-out of faults.

"you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart" BUT then you mess up. you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. you enshrine shallow reason. you ignore warnings and consequences.
"you're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN!"
"your emotions don’t DISTRACT you. they RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD."
"you're the same trembling, terrified boy [as you were] thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!!"

…wow, okay, I guess parts of us relate to ALL of that in some way.
"prove me wrong," he said. please. let's do that.

geez. how is all of that in US??

…

petty grudges, that bit is with the brother, some with the kids in utah, solely because of the feeling of bitter "pseudo-betrayal" in the sense of "I couldn't be the friend YOU wanted and you couldn't be the friend I wanted and I'm devastated because I don't feel I can say no or leave EVER but I'm not happy here but I still care about you but I don't want to have to sacrifice my whole life just to appease you shallowly but I feel that I HAVE TO or else I'm a bad person??"
like that EXACT feeling applies to both slc, and the current brother situation.
I don't know WHY it's not fully resolved yet, that's baffling.

shallow reason, that ties into the ignoring warnings and consequences for us-- the knowing that certain things WILL fail and cause us pain, but the "shallow reason" is in obeying someone ELSE and we 'logically' think "well THEY said it so it MUST be right and we MUST be wrong" and then we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
why. why does that even happen.

this was supposed to be a happy entry, geez. bookmark this to be discussed later.

the scared/ safe solutions/ being too timid bit applies VERY strongly to laurie's fear and jay's fear and all our hesitations in being told that doing otherwise is wrong somehow. "don’t be angry, don't be violent, don't take risks because what if you're wrong???" etc.
we need more self-confidence and courage. we need more faith in our capacity TO do good, TO do the right thing.

your emotions pull you all over the place… that's what the previous entry was about, with the damaged people, I know. they're so wracked by pain and sorrow and fear and confusion and anger, and they haven't dealt with it because it's so powerful they're afraid it'll KILL them. so, ironically, it ends up still killing them passively through ruling their life from the sidelines. you can't ignore the disease, you need to treat it so it heals. same applies to this. find wherever this emotional turmoil is really rooted, and HEAL it for heavens sakes. you DO deserve to be happy. you DO.

…that last line hit the hardest because it's literally true with this headvoice & alter system, and that's solely because those 13-year-old kids never had the chance to NOT be terrified and that's what we're all still trying to do. patiently.
god knows it's a lot of work. but we're trying. at least, when we're AROUND, we try.
we need to be around more.


OKAY GUYS THIS IS GETTING DARK AGAIN let's focus on something else for now maybe? is that bad?

yes, you're getting too manic.

but we know the solutions. can't we just hold on to that energy instead of focusing on what we lack/ where we're not, etc.?

sure, but not from such a manic standpoint. you rush into things, you always want the next moment to arrive even faster. that's not healthy. okay? we'll focus on positive things when you can say that from a state of acceptance and peace, NOT ignoring and shoving past. even if you're doing that unconsciously.

that's the problem, laurie. I don't know if she can, yet. we have alters who have it written into their code that they can't do certain things that would heal them because it would break their current unhealthy function.

then break it.

we'd love to, but then they need to be completely redefined as individuals, and some of them-- well, most of them-- don't EXIST as individuals. so when you tell them, "you can be different, you can learn patience and acceptance," they literally stop existing because they've been defined as NOT that.

shit. so are they doomed to failing then? to dying when they try to heal?

maybe. honestly I have no idea yet. I have no clue at all. some of them really are that shallow. maybe it's like ghosts for them; they need to move on, instead of sticking around,

shit. maybe. it's just tough, y'know?

what is?

facing death like that. we've gotta admit we're a little attached and that's not healthy either. part of us is afraid of not having so much of us here, and you know it.

we're not going to die out, laurie. we're just going to die to the things that are keeping us from actually living.

well tell those kids that, the ones who are preventing us from living through living dead lives. if you get what I mean.

yeah, I do.

and there's the shutdown. what the heck is that?

panicked little-boy fear. it's sylvain. he's so scared of the brother and I'm not sure why.

he's scared of the damn condemnation, kid, whether or not it's actually happening. he fears the glares and growls and things. that's terrifying to a child.

but why does he come out when that happens? it'd be safer for him to stay inside.

yeah, but he's tied to that, and headvoices with functions like that kind of exist as spotlights to healing. like he's showing up to indicate exactly what issue needs to be healed here.

…that makes sense.

yeah. but I don't know how to heal it yet, kid.




…in el indon right now, ashley just met "brother edan" and that whole bit of monastic-life feeling, that sort of devotional lifestyle… we feel so drawn to that and yet it doesn't feel like it fits? like that's confused us since CHILDHOOD. we wanted to be in the religious life since elementary school BUT we also always had this push that "our mission required being out in the world" so it was like this awful sacrifice we had to make in order to make another sacrifice??? I don't know.
like, we want to just drop everything and live a religious life. but… despite that being very difficult on one hand, it also feels like the easy way out? like we've been given things to do in the secular world and THAT feels terrifying but that still feels like we're being pushed to it. "you need to reach those people. bring a light to them."
a religious life would benefit us spectacularly, and the global whole in a passive energetic sense, sure… but… I don't know. even if I'd be perfectly happy like that, I think there would still be this weird creeping feeling of "I sent you out into the world" and I don't know if that's… I don't know.
I'm scared of living in the world. I really am. it's scary out here, it's tough. but… we have to be brave, and strong, and true, and bright.
we're letting our fear keep us from working lately, but… we have to. it doesn't every quite go away. neither feeling does actually. but it's… I'm sure we can navigate it correctly, if we listen sincerely, and act consciously.

…can we have both?
can we do this work AND be as spiritually intense as we want to be?
I'm getting a very warm "yes" but it's going to be INTENSE WORK I'm sure. but it's what we need.
hey, there's a goal. there's something to work towards! print that out and focus on it. we can have both. let's do it.


…we were actually just telling the brother the other day, during one of his good moods, how much we want to be one of those "odd but honorable teacher figures" that we gravitate towards all over the place. nebisai, mister sandman, people like that. gentle but strong, wise but lighthearted, stern but compassionate, patient but passionate. righteous and unyielding, but also soft and able to laugh… they walk into a room and it turns gold but it's not intimidating, it's magical-edged, and inspiring, and motivating, and even if you don't talk to them they kind of glow and they're not outspoken but when they speak they are heard and they will help the people that need them there, and when they need to leave, they do so gracefully and with gratitude and with a smile.
we want to be that more than anything else in the world.
we want to grow up to BE THAT.
god that's the future we want. we want to be a teacher. someone wholly dedicated to spiritual selfless progress and strength, someone who has completely risen above and beyond their ego. someone who loves humanity and has infinite care and patience for them but who does not tolerate pride and disrespect. but who does not hate, ever. someone who teaches those people to tune into their own light and truth and listen to their own true heart and grow brighter and better every day, that's what real teaching is, I don't want to "save" anyone, I don't agree with that sort of dragging-along feeling, I don't agree with the harsh punishments. I want people to reach a point in themselves where they can see their own unwise behavior as unwise, as something to let go of and apologize for and make up for and move on from… I want to inspire, I want to help people brighten, THAT'S what I want to be.

we need to treat ourselves that way first. we can do it. that's our future.

biggest obstacle? taking care of the hurt ones.
I wanted to say "rooting out the selfish instincts" but really, when you look at those knee-jerk reactions, they're all hurt children looking for love. hurt kids who are so tired of self-sacrifice, wise or unwise, who just want to be cared for, who just want some feeling of rest and peace. those kids won't even give themselves permission to relax because they feel it's wrong, they feel they have to constantly sacrifice themselves, every moment and scrap of strength dedicated to enriching someone else's life, and then the moment they have a moment of free time, do they rest? no. they beat themselves up because they're currently not sacrificing and they feel it's wrong.
so they get bitter and angry, and start saying no to everything, even when they DON’T WANT TO, even when they desperately want TO help people… because in saying "yes" they just want to start sobbing again, they just want to rest, but they can't, they have to say yes forever, and no matter how much they help others it will never be enough.
that's the problem.

I wonder, if we learned to speak up for ourselves? no, that's labelled as selfish.
"I want to help you but I need time for myself" bullshit, is what the thought reaction is. help them first, THEN take time for yourself.
and we want to do that, but sometimes we're so tired, it makes us rude, and we're so sorry for that.
…I think the one solution to all this is, when we get free time, REST for heaven's sakes. stop using EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR TIME to sacrifice yourself in some way. even if it is good, you're taking it to extremes I think. take some time off, real time off, to recover.

…you know what, that's probably feeding the eating disorder. dude.
when we're immersed in that self-abuse, no one wants to be around us, so no one bothers us… we get peace, however disgusting we may feel. and when we're immersed in that self-abuse, we lose time, we completely blank out, so we DON'T EXIST for a while, which right now is the only way those hurt people know HOW to relax. see?? because if they DO exist, if they ARE conscious, they CAN'T eat, they have to BUY OTHER PEOPLE FOOD. and starve themselves, to be "good." to sacrifice.

geez. wow. this is a topic for thursday!

but it's also a topic for tomorrow. and tonight maybe.
we are trying so hard to heal this eating disorder. we've started buying green food again, THANK GOD, which was a sheer divine relief, we almost cried when we actually sat down and had a salad yesterday, because in order to eat healthy and enjoy it we have to think of ourself as DESERVING health AND enjoyment… and the prevailing mindset lately is "enjoying is a sin, you don't want to be a hedonist, do you??"

we're so haunted by the fact that we were born under the taurus sign.
our mother is a taurus, straight-up. she loves comfort and luxury and possessions and food and sensuality. she buys new clothes and jewelry and perfume and housewares all the time. she goes to plays and fancy restaurants and concerts and social gatherings. she is 100% a taurus.
and we are NONE OF THOSE THINGS!
but we feel we have to be.
and that's the scary part. we don't enjoy those things but we're afraid that feeling that way is morally wrong?????? like we're "rejecting how we were made??" (sounds just like the gender teaching, talk about forced birth roles)
so it's scary to have this extra obligation making us feel like "but we have to enjoy food" even when we don't, AND when we are terrified that enjoying anything is a sin BECAUSE it leads to hacks, to giving power to hackers who ARE obsessed with physical luxury and who want to destroy us.
so. it's a legit fear in that sense. and it's very tangled, as you can see.

we don't know what "astrological sign" we really are, if any, since there are so many of us. but when you really narrow it down to core resonances, we are absolutely not a taurus.
we were supposed to be a leo, and we DO have a very strong affinity to some of that, and over the years most of our friends (inside and out) have been leos. but it does not fit all the way, at all.
jay is allegedly a libra, which fits a LOT, and also fits our actual birth chart (libra moon and rising), so that's the one we identify with the most when asked. the problem is we don't want the vice of indecision in trying to "please everyone" that seems to curse this sign. and we DO have that tendency. which is a pain in the neck. but we just talked about that with the tired kids; for us that was HUGELY a product of upbringing, plus a natural altruistic nature, pushed too far in the wrong direction.
we need more leo courage. like genesis has. he's never afraid to say no or stand up to someone or be bold. and yeah a big part of us is afraid to "offend people" but really, we need to stop assuming the worst of ourself. we aren't trying to offend. and if we speak with understanding, being aware of how someone might be offended and avoiding that… see, we try too hard to be diplomatic I think. we're so aware of how someone could have a sore spot or angry nerve hit, and how that would severely hinder their ability to truly listen and respond in an emotionally level way, that we get hesitant and start dancing around what we actually want to say. genesis and laurie would just say it anyway, laurie would shrug and say "sorry kid but that's just how it is," genesis would say "I'm not trying to offend you but I have to be honest with you!!" etc.
we need that kind of quality integrated into our core self.
but it's so tricky. it really is a dance. you can't let your own ego get into it at all.
hence the teacher thing!!!


I'm still reading el indon and I JUST realized, I recognize the Sister Tailor!! I saw her in a thumbnail for an update of this comic on tumblr and immediately thought "whoa, she reminds me a lot of ketamau" so I bookmarked the comic immediately and I'm just reading it now, haha. funny how things work.


…you know what, we really don't give ourselves enough credit.
we aren't selfish. we want to help people. we are kind, we are forgiving, we are willing to do good…
this body does make it tricky. for whatever reason it is defined as a sinful thing, name and face both. THAT IS OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE. whole thing in caps because its that important.
I know jay was talking about it the other day, in some context. how we need to heal the body and her name FIRST, or nothing else will truly stick, because she is the one everyone else sees when we interact with the world, and if she is being defined as bad, then… then we're in trouble, really. she needs to be redefined as good,as kind and patient and honorable and caring and wise and honest and joyful and loving. jessica can be all those things too. she will be all those things. we'll give her that hope as we work on it. time!


all right, I really do want to keep reading this for now; it is very inspiring. I know I need to start creating again instead of just taking in material BUT, I've found that big problem #1 is that we don't enjoy drawing digitally but we keep forcing ourself to do so. Drawing is only enjoyable/accurate when it's on paper, and then we can do reams of it if we're in the right mindset. Now, coloring digitally, now that's fun. We've done some nice stuff that way. But it needs to be scanned in first.
Also I am admittedly not happy with our art style at all, the old one lingering from high school. It does not match us whatsoever. So I do want to focus on that for a while, on taking in bits of other's styles both to learn technique and to enhance our own work with more unique and varied characteristics. I've never actually tried to imitate ANYONE's work before, ever, save for the handful of single traced panels I did from that Pokemon comic by Toshihiro Ono, who has a fantastic style despite my not approving of their normal line of artistic work whatsoever. Nevertheless I do think I'd enjoy learning again. So I'll do that, tomorrow, if I can come out to do so!! I'll make a big note, tell the other fronters not to panic and get paralyzed at the thought of art, it's not as depressing and forced and scary as they all automatically assume. (And my learning for fun will make it easier in the long run, as it'll no longer feel forced to draw.)

Anyway. Back to reading webcomics. Have a good night everyone!