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Dec. 29th, 2012 11:44 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed

 

 

I didn't fall asleep until 3am last night, and I woke up with crushing body dysphoria.

Jezebel and Jessica are busy killing each other upstairs. They do this whenever the dysphoria hits; since I bottle up all of it, they feed off it and since they can't express it physically, they explode underground. Hence my entire body feeling like it's pressurized and on fire. I'm trying not to bite or slash anything, but the only other option is catatonia and that feels like boiling now. Exercise seems to only be exacerbating the bone-burning ache too.
I've honestly been gnawing on a metal spoon all morning just to get the tension out of my teeth, and also because when I bite down hard it vibrates and that temporarily 'pauses' my brain so that I forget what I'm doing. Good for breaking this awful stress wave.

I can't be living like this... yeah, yesterday evening I was incredibly happy and full of energy, but it was because I had been researching and typing for hours and nothing forced me to 'identify' with this body.
The moment I have to hold a conversation, or go outside, or look in a mirror, without my mind being somewhere else completely... this shit crashes into me.
I am so sick of 'waiting to live' because I cannot seem to reconcile the fact of my existence with having an uneditable form.

Every time I think I'm comfortable with this body, this crisis happens worse than ever before.
God, what am I doing wrong? What am I missing here? What am I supposed to let go of?
It's terrifying, and I can't tell what's right or wrong.
I know I'm not this body, but the problem is it's hers, and as long as I'm stuck driving it, I don't know if I can escape the recurring existential horror.


I am this close to killing myself in the hope that I'll come back as a boy.


I apologize for updating like this. I've been feeling so much bright energy lately it's amazing.
But I needed to get this darker stuff out of my skull somehow. Ignoring it won't help anyone.

We'll figure this out.

 




 

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