052813

[prismaticbleed]

 

This morning has given me quite a headache. (One of the "painless" ones, mind.)

I woke up feeling very out of it. There was an apparent breakfast binge and the next thing I know, the mind is swamped in heady fog and thoughts of violence and hatred... the self-righteous kind. I don't know when I gained control, but all I remember is looking for Infinitii and not finding him. I could only feel him, somewhere small and strange, a prisoner to some dark entity, desperate and scared. I decided to go find him.
I found him bound in white chains, and as sudden black ones appeared around my own arms, two darkly cackling figures stepped out of the shadows.


From that whole scenario, we learned a few things.

- The entity calling itself "Jess" really IS "Jezebel," a 'splinter' of the Tar. Apparently the Tar is "still scared" of Infinitii, and will not show itself directly, so it uses Jezebel instead. The advantage of that is that she cannot directly possess people. The disadvantage is that she is literally condensed hate, and expresses it whenever and however she can.

- Razor was born from hatred, sure, but it was retributive hatred. When I started cutting in 2008, it was as punishment for "letting Julie hack us," born from a bitter hatred of her ("I'm going to kill that bitch") and Q ("When the heck was I ever comfortable with your voice?"), who only reminded 'me' of her abuse. Razor was born from that hideous, rabid, undying want to kill everything as a result of the world's allegedly inherent sinfulness. The main difference between her and Laurie is that Laurie was born from "punishment" in an atoning sense: "you did something wrong, this is only to correct you." It wasn't hateful, but it was brutal. Razor, on the other hand, was born from the extremist side of that: "you're irredeemable, and I am going to destroy you for your sins." Laurie never wanted to kill me. Razor did.

Looking back on all those old logs... it's disturbing. Unfortunately, I think I need to. Whoever was fronting at that time is either dead or buried, and as a result I don't have access to those memories. However, I'm acutely aware that I need to face and heal that stuff in order to heal those old scars.
I'm also worried because I stopped drawing right around the time she manifested, thanks to the models in college ("I'm getting sick every time I even think of art now"), and I haven't been able to get that back since. I'm wondering if she's specifically blocking it.

I'm also disturbed because the nightmares of sexual abuse are back, as are the frightening "background" shadows that creep around and keep me from sleeping or staying awake. It's a living hell and I don't know how to explain it.
I can't tell what's my intuition and what's the Tar anymore. There are too many voices in my head that I don't recognize, too many strange puppetstrings yanking me in every direction, too many people on the planet telling me what to do and not to do. The Autopilot tries its hardest to keep everything stable and neutral, avoiding all conflict, but then there are things screaming up from underground and we don't have the capacity to quiet them down so the body just shuts off and shorts out.
There are too many thoughts and emotions and wants and things in my head that aren't mine. They're all fragmented bits and pieces from other minds, coalescing together into a hurricane of deafening pain, and sometimes that is so overwhelming that whoever is driving just can't drag the body out of bed. I can't even find my way into the front position anymore, some days. When I do, that knocks me right out. There's too much noise, everywhere and in all senses, and it feels like I'm suffocating


sorry slipping not here anyommore, willl finihs upsdating later

 
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@ 09:22 pm

 
Today has just been one big dissociative mess.
 

This morning, I couldn't find Infinitii, only to discover him being "held hostage" by the girls underground, who were doing so specifically to bait me. I won't go into details about that encounter, as it was extremely painful, but we at least learned a bit more about those two demonesses. I'm just concerned, as Infinitii has left his bubble for the first time since his manifestation, as he is too afraid to go back in it for some undisclosed reason.

Then this evening, not only did we have two different people trying to eat, but one of them was apparently ignorant of the body's sensitivities, because there was an apparent purge attempt and a Razor attack immediately after. So I get to be the guy who recovers from all that, as I'm the default night driver. Oh well. At least I can take it all in stride.

I'm still trying to pinpoint just what voices come out when, who they are, what they want, etc. It's extremely tiring. There are so many, and most of them don't have enough "energy" behind their triggers or anchors to evidence or manifest. So it's just this blur of disoriented emotions and voices and thoughts and memories, all the time. No wonder I can't stay in the front for long.

School and work are getting trickier. We haven't been able to get far with either because too much switching happens and compromises are difficult to reach. Some people can handle certain environments, others can't. There's at least one who is so badly damaged that she(?) starts crying whenever she's forced to make her own decisions. Then of course you have the sensory overload problem with Autopilot, who can't talk in social environments, and all the trouble everyone else has with the body's name... yeah, it's a mess. But we're trying our best.

I do have one solid goal right now, though. With all the reading I've been doing lately, I'm going to start consolidating all of our headspace logs over the past 8+ years into a book. So far I haven't heard of any cases like ours, and since we can't afford therapy, it might do us a lot of good to review and structure everything out on paper. I, for one, am looking forward to it-- I'm the guy people turn to for that sort of thing, after all.

Besides the daily grind, though, I really have nothing to complain about. Really, I'm just happy to still be alive, after being MIA for so long.