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[prismaticbleed]

 

(negative entry by unidentified author. uncensored as a result.)

 

i have no words right now

someone is screaming "YOU BITCH, YOU FCKING BITCH, HOW DAREYOU" and i dont blame them but i am too numb too tired

too sick too scared too numb frlm being unable to cope with the cinstant barrage of terror in this damned body

god it is hell living in a body that is our enemy it has a mind of its own it is evil evil evil
god i dont want to livein it i am so tired i am so scared i want to slepe forever i want it to stop.


the family found our razors.
and took them.
and lied about it.

and lied about it

GIVE THEM BACK
CURSE YOU
GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CURSE YOU
LEAVE US ALONE

I HATE YOU YOU HEATHEN BITCHES GIVE THEM BACK


they act so fake stupid "caring" simpering whiny BITCHES shut up shut up

never do anything good, make our struggles worse, exacerbate our triggers on purpose, "we're helping" no youre not please stop
they never stpo
NO PERSONAL SPACE
ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU WHORE OF A WOMAN
YOU DONT TOUCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT
you are so lucky i've never attacked you because next time you do something like that i WILL


i want our razors back
god help us i want them back

i want to go inside forever and never come out

i never want to eat again
i cannot remember thelast time we ate something and didnt vomit
i cant cope
i cannot bear it anymore

i dont want to eat

i am scared of this body it is too big
it is not strong enough
it is triggering so badly just being in it
i dont want to be in it
i never want to see amirror again
i never want to see a mirror ever

i dont want to talk
shut up
stop asking us questions I DONT WANT TO TALK

THAT ISNT OUR NAME
SHUT UP STOP CALLING US BY THAT SLUTS NAME THAT ISNT US


we had friends once
well we do now, yes, three
but way back when we had apparently a larger group? i dont know
deviantart days, old timelines, we dont remember it at all
but there is evidence, there was actual friendshiP? i think?
and lately weve felt so so so alone
"get a support group" they say
"talk to people" they say
im miserable
i hate being different when it ostracizes me
i hate being told that i "have to act like this" when i just want to scream and vomit
from feeling so scared and trapped and sad
god please i want it to stop


i want it to stop
i want all of this to stop

i want friendship and comfort and community
BUT GUESS WHAT
AS LONG AS WE'RE IN THIS WHORE OF A BODY WE CANT HAVE THOSE THINGS
BECAUSE SHE WILL SCREW EVERYTHING UP

god i am so tired
i am so unbearably miserable


were out of hormones
they wont renew them
we no longer have transportation to philadelphia

god what do we do

maybe we can catch a bus
we cant drive to philly we'd black out on the turnpike
maybe we can take a bus to our appointment
would that be safe? could we survive in the city alone?
god knows we have enough trouble coping at home
losing time and forgetting where we are and everything


god what is going on in our life
we're being stretched too thin lately
getting up at 7 and not sitting down until 11pm
doing everything for the family
sacrificing everything we can
feeling like a selfish pampered whore when we dare to buy "food" for ourself
so we just buy things to abuse ourself with
"because we dont deserve anything good"
etc.
it's horrible
but frankly that sense of nondeserving is focused on this damned body
she does not deserve anything good for what she does
she is horrible and we want her DEAD

but the therapist said alters dont die
none of them do
which means that bitch cant stay dead either
god what do we do
how do we transmute that
something pure evil and terrifying that we've been fighting since we were seven years old
i am so tired



how do we fix our medical condition
how do we get our prescription fixed
i cant stop the hormones
i know it sounds shallow and selfish but they are the only things giving us hope
the possibility that ONE DAY we will finally look and feel safe, objectively
is all we are living for some days
if you stop them again,
god please i cannot cope with the body reverting again
not after last time that was horrific
no wonder we lost so much time in the spring
i never looked at ti that wayt


how do we cope

they took our razors
they took our razors

i havent talked to her abotu this
shes in shocl=k
sitting there with a thousand yard stare, unable to process this
god i am so sorry
what do we do

we still have a knife
not a very good one but its something
hidden as well as we can right now
god pelase dont let them find that too


i dont know
i am so so so sad
cant cry because if the body cries then jezebel starts attacking us
the body is a traitor
that makes spine very sad
"this body is a temple" everyone tells us
the grandmother values our body more than our soul
it makes me want to puke
shut up
she values the damned skin bag we're in more than she values the spirit in it
i am so sick
this body is a traitor
we are only ever alive inside
you know what
maybe it will make me "really insane" in the eyes of the faimly
maybe it will tear our family apaert
i dontknow
id ont know
but
i want to go inside and never come out.
i want to go upstairs and stay there forever

i want to slepe all day and never wake up
i dont want to deal with this body hell i cant lately
i cant its making thingsworse
i cant figure out how to cope anymore

"learn to enjoy your grief" that woman said today
we got so seethingly pained and angry
curse you, you're thhe kind of peolpe that tell us "learn to enjoy r*pe because nothing in life is real!!!!"
"dont fight back learn to ENJOY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!"
you heathen devils
morality is still a thing
call me deluded and foolish, fine
but i cannot live in your amoral hell anymore
pretending everything is fine because "everything is neutral"
shove off.
not like that it isnt.


i keep hearing every spiritual correction as flat-out damnation
"integrity is uncompromising" that is true and it makes perfect sense
but the immediate translation is "integrity is uncompromising, bitch, so stop being such a gutless loser and ruining your life"
is that tough love?
thats what laurie used to be like
in a way i really raelly miss that
because when she said it there was somehow still love in it
i dont know
we are still so convinced we are sheer evil
no thanks to this bdoy and the evil girls in it
but that makes it very hard to live as we already ARE
i mean when WE are running the show things are perfectly okay
we dont abuse the body, we are kind and compassionate, we are NOT bad people
but then these gluttons and hackers slip us out and move in and start destroying everything
why?
because we are so exhausted and sad and tired that we let our guard down

it is so hard to feel emotions anymore
it is so hard to feel anything
the only time i even respond to hacks now is if i am told that someone ELSE is being hurt
i dont defend "myself'" anymore
because "myself" is an alien concept, and defending the body is an alien concept
because it is so detached from us and to be honest i cannot cope with the reality of hacks
not yet
its too terrifying, i never learned how to grapple with that fear,
how do you cope with THAT
with sharing a body with THAT

and they took our razors.
how on earth are we supposed to cope NOW

god help me, i even told laurie, tonight i just bled until it didnt hurt anymore,
god forgive me i felt clean for the first time in weeks,
bleeding out all that toxic sludge
i actually felt like things were good for a while.
like we were going to be okay.

and then they actually snuck in the room afterus
and TOOK THEM

YOU BLIND FOOLS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HECK YOU JUST DID

oh and then our MOTHER snuck into our room
without telling us
"oh hey theres a county fait going on and im going to enter yourstuff!!!"
took the shirts we just painted
"im going to enter these without your permission!!!!!!!!!!"
we didnt even realize she took them until we couldnt find them later
we are NOT COMFORTABLE witht the idea of or original work hanging up on display ina barn like that
please dont do that
putting our art on display like that, ESPECIALLY highly personal art of characters we know,
you airheaded woman turning it into a slutty display game for money and ribbons,
THIS ISNT A PAGEANT YOU KNOW
THIS ISNT A PERFORMANCE YOU TROLLOP
HOW DARE YOU
HOW DARE YOU


god help me its like i neever stopped being a child
especially with this second-teenage thing with the hormones
i never got past that stage you know
the whoele "hey yuor body is changing welcome to hell!!!!!!!" thing
never got over it
couldnt bear it
its a bit better now, our voice is lowering and god i never told you how profoundly comforting that is did i
to be able to talk and sing low
it is so so so calming and centering. thank god. thank you god.
still getting facial hair too. muscle gain is better.'
but everything else, is invisible yet.
still look to much like the bad people to feel safe yet.
but were still a child with all this
still years away from being an adult and not knowing how to manage that harsh world all of a sudden

i dontknow i m babbling.



a few good things about today
1) laurie's 9th birthday
2) bro called us in to watch him fight sahelanthropus (which is abjectly terrifying) in mgs5; he's an mlg and he's incredible so it was really cool to watch. also this song which we both agree is awesome
3) found one of those light-up electric cube light things in the garage. gramps said we could have it. its now on our desk
4) tentatively finished painting another shirt! so tomorrow we start #8



i want to tag this as "distraught"

breathe. gotta breathe.
without dysphoria and abusive kickbacks showing up
yeah isnt THAT great
cant even do breathing meditation without these sexual demons jumping in
"oh youre BREATHING? that must mean you want someone to F*CK yuo"
WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU BITCHES
WHERE IN HELL DID THOSE THOUGHTS EVEN COME FROM

gotta focus on soemthing else.
your thoughts become yoru reality.
what you focus on yo attract.
dont want to think about this at all.

gotta type.
listen to some good music.
we WANT to exercise but the problem is we are very dehydrated again thanks to lots of vomiting
and also the past three times we exercised after 9pm we almost landed in the er
thanks to horrific vertigo, confusion, skipping heartbeats and shakes and weakness
basically only exercise late if you want to be legit convinced you are dying for several hours

i might try anyway
or at least i would if i didnt just notice it is midnight
what the heck
the last time i saw the clock it was 10pm
were blacing out toomuch lately.


anyway good night
thats it for today.