june 9 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

I am so sick of hacks.

the entire body hurts. I am so sick.
I want to throw up and vomit forever. it feels like I was punched in the stomach. it's an awful sick-deep feeling. like something is wrong. like someone just jammed all this dead fat or plastic wax in there. just empty, dead, hollow hard white shit. it's terrifying and it hurts and it makes me so so so so so sick

sugar and razor atoned for it, they told the fronter "you're not gonna fcking run"

garrison is sad over this?? he said these hacks are so weird because they happen in less than two minutes and they aren't even conscious. they are semi-obligatory, mostly now they are IMITATIVE. they are completely "selfless" in the idea of "I must imitate that person. I must do this FOR THEM, because they did it." it's really fcking horrible and bizarre
so it's half obligation, but mostly mirroring.
it's stupid as hell

we're very sick
we tried to go to our hormone appointment this morning but the turnpike was shut down and we got stuck in deadlock traffic for 90+ minutes
so we got there late and then they couldn't take us so we had to leave
the father drove us, he was so upset about everything, we felt horrible
plus he's having so much trouble at his workplace, there's a big company building a warehouse right behind his garage, it's flooding and collapsing the hills and destroying streets and the county commissioners are pissed and he answered like 20 phone calls while we were on the road.
but
"i" was trying to pray on the turnpike, "please get us there," "mary undoer of knots," etc.
and it was terrifying, terrifying
because every time I tried to pray to a christian figure their mental image would say "no, we're not going to help you," when I asked why, "because we hate you"
"because you're trans and we don't want you to be trans and we hate you"
"because you're already a whore"
I knew they were demons, no good holy person would talk like that
I told them that and they got pissed and violent
the one pretending to be mary tried to strangle me
it was all very disturbing
I tried asking quan yin, although I was scared she would demand worship and slavery too, but she didn't? she said she'd help. and what she said she'd do, happened.
so I don't know if that was legit or not but she at least was nice and listened and didn't spit at me and didn't demand I "pay her back" in blood or something similar just for "daring to ask."
I said I am NOT comfortable with worshiping ANYTHING, there's too much trauma tied to that, I absolutely cannot do that. she said that's fine, she just asked for reverence and respect, I said I could easily do that. as long as I wasn't yoked-in for life by the neck, just for praying to her once.

this spiritual stuff is so existentially terrifying, it's so bad lately

I was sitting in a car for upwards of 8 hours today but here I am sitting down again now
I shouldn't be but the leg is bleeding and I'm sad and tired and standing is just going to give me bad posture at this point.
we really should go walk in the kitchen later, maybe, for an hour. I don't know.


we're still at one of those points where "hatred for headspace" is permeating EVERYTHING.
jewel doesn't quite hate it, but she is utterly fed up with it and really doesn't like associating with it, because LO AND BEHOLD the "gap" is back, she can't work on the League while headspace is around, and so she's not happy.
jessica and christina still hate the system and want it dead, whatever that means for them they don't care, I don't think they're even thinking about that future.

oh on that note. we pinpointed the whole "lilac killer girl" person they ARE christina marie!!
the girl WE've been calling "christina" lately, the one in the chapel with the third eye, two nights ago she chose the name PATRICIA instead, so.
the REAL "christina marie" IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED THE LOCKOUT IN 2013. she STILL has the mindset of "dear god please kill everyone in headspace thank you!! <3" which is really scary but that's it. she hates us in a "good christian" way, basically "they're corrupt and it would be better for everyone if they just stopped existing" so she does not care about us at all.
she's definitely tar-infested to an extent. she has the hidden malevolent edge, we've seen it.

chaos is currently going by the name serenity. yes, really. ze's been considering it for a while and about 3, 4 days ago ze said flat-out to use that name for zir instead, whenever possible.
I don't know if we ever said, ze was actually using "mare serenitatis" as a pseudo-name for months before now. "sea of serenity." so no one's really surprised in here.


jeremiah found out something important about david today. you know how david is always crying "mommy help" when he's scared? but every time a "mother figure" or woman shows up he gets scared, cowers, and says "no, no?"
well. that is because he apparently sees the word "mommy" as referring to a PERSON, gender irrelevant, who is SAFE and PROTECTIVE and will keep him shielded from harm. he said "mommy help" is "what you say when you want help," NOT a call for a specific mother figure.
he was always confused over the whole "mother" concept anyway, i was really baffled when he started asking for "mommy" to be honest. it just happened. but i think that's internalized imitation too. "little children cry for their mothers when they are scared!" so it just happened, because it "had to."
why the hell can't we seem to fully reprogram our mind to STOP IMITATING PEOPLE LIKE THAT
IT'S TOXIC

we do have the beginning hints OF a "mother figure" up here, which again doesn't surprise me, because when we started watching steven universe, rose quartz was like the ideal for it. i wouldn't say she had "outspacer" vibes, but she still was resonating as a concept. so. there is a vague person in the BLACK spectrum right now who looks similar to rose quartz, but with this appearance vibe? and the traditional black sparkle color of course. also she's HUGE like she lives in floatspace, she's more concept than person and might sttay that way?
i'm just worried about her because black energy is still dangerous and we do not want our first possible mother figure ever getting corrupted in any way


i'm sorry
this is like the fifth candle i forgot i lit and it spilled all over this computer
one day its going to just break and then i'' ll really have no excuse. i'll have to do all my work on paper again and no more fcking hprrible intetrnet corruption either

i've been dissociating so badly and so severely lately it's scary

that;s it for this entry i'm fed up with this shit for now. i'm sorry.
iwa tnt to just forget all ovfthis exists and do something GOOD for once
i forget what its like to be happy
oi forgethe what its like the be happyp