nov 12

[prismaticbleed]

 

You know what's funny? I can only forgive myself when I look at the big picture consequences of even my most grievous errors and lapses in judgment.
If I didn't go through hell back then I wouldn't be so oddly close to heaven right now, I think. Everything was a piece of the puzzle, gruesome and glorious alike. It's the strangest thing.


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@ 08:55 pm

 

Not much has been happening in terms of amount, but a lot has been happening in terms of significance. Here's a few notes for now.

- First, there has been a large update to the big system list on Adakias. J is working on this in his free time, since it is now becoming clearer to find the faceless and see the nameless individuals.

- When Infinitii stays awake too late, he becomes giddy and mischievous the more his consciousness fades into sleep. Due to his emotion field, this giddiness is contagious to all who get too close to him during this time. He can temporary "slow it down" by encasing himself in a bubble and closing his eyes, but until he falls asleep completely, this will worsen, allegedly until he becomes 'dangerously unraveled' (as he is Black energy, the energy of potential and unpredictability). Similarly, when Jay is awake too long, he becomes naive and curious like a child, but he does not effervesce this. However he is very easily manipulated by others during this state, so he must be guarded carefully until he falls asleep. No one else in the System has exhibited a similar phenomenon to this.


- J here; the most important thing about today was that IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!! Two inches, or one, either way there was SNOW and so when I woke up I could not stop smiling and laughing, it was amazing, I KNEW it would feel like home as soon as it snowed and it DOES. Also I already cannot remember what the world was like without snow, haha. That's how my brain works. But I'm so happy. Boss says he "may or may not have put a word in" for the weather, he's adorable, even if he didn't I know he knows how much snow means to me personally so that means a lot. Sorry, I'm getting excited over this even now, haha. (You should've seen Genesis!)

- I had a hospital appointment at 8AM today, so I got there early and just stood on the parking garage roof with Genesis for a while looking out at the city, all dusty blue and quiet with snow. It was really beautiful. I also tried to spend a great deal of today with Nathaniel & Leon upstairs because I haven't spoken to them since before the reset, and that was a LONG time ago! (Leon tried to front for a minute today, that's always amusing because his hair covers the body's right eye (yes his avatar is therefore inaccurate sorry), and that makes it disorienting to see for a minute after he leaves.)

- On that note. Last night I went upstairs and just talked to Nathaniel for almost 40 minutes, it was great. Surprisingly, we also figured out three big things: ONE, the Central people are not only in charge of System maintenance, but their anchors/roles are all tied to unconditional love in some way. This is sadly taken for granted or overlooked often! TWO, Nathaniel's actual anchor, in that respect, is change... and the ability to accept and trust it. It's perfect really, considering his past. And, last but not least, THREE : when we were talking about anchors, I decided to check the Spectrum ring (my halo; it's a portable reference of it) to see what the true Pink energy felt like? To explain: you can 'reach into' the energy of an empty Spectrum slot and 'feel' what the anchor energy there is like, if there is any; it makes it easier to find who belongs there. And, to our surprise, there WAS anchor energy! Something is trying to manifest there; it is both female and non-human, which events out the ratios in Central, actually. That is literally all the data there is, though; they are likely a while away from manifesting, due to the energy of that slot still being a huge battleground obviously.

-Also, about the Infi thing someone wrote here at the top: Infi did that the other night when talking to Laurie and I, sure, but on the 10th, he was hanging out with CZ and I as well. We were up stupidly late, and that's when we realized what it actually was: CZ was sitting next to him, and being an empath, he started to pick up on that, and it shocked him because although Infi seemed highly unstable, what he was radiating was joy? Like absolute childish joy, the kind that makes you just start laughing from the sheer bliss of it. So we all tuned into that and it was really brilliant; we've been having such rough days lately it was nice to just smile like that.

-Last night was different. I was up until 11:15 with Infinitii, just us, listening to this song (which means a lot to us already). Half of it was to keep hackers from getting anywhere near us that late, and half of it was simply because we wanted to be together, obviously. But something pretty awesome happened during that: I realized that my 'human' form upstairs was causing me trouble again; I couldn't "ground" well enough into it to function without notable effort, and it simply didn't feel right in terms of how it was moving. Since this is actually not new, I asked Infi if I could still form-warp (like I used to be able to in the Red slot; Jewel still can), even though he seemed to be able to do that far more than I could. He clarified that Black and White energy can both shift appearances, as they are both creative, but Black morphs aren't controllable, whereas White morphs are. I had the luxury of stable form changes, whereas Infi didn't. Anyway, the answer was yes, so why not give it a shot? So, I closed my eyes, and consciously "let go" of the human form anchor, basically just not putting any effort into maintaining it anymore, and shifting into pure energy (although that's not a thing, but I don't have another term for it). Well, to my surprise and joy, when I let go, my form turned into a sort of kaleidoscopic light? Like I was made of stained glass. My eyes got all weird, my feet were clawed I think, I was definitely floating... but I had POWER JEWELS. As in, yes, my native form IS a Jewel Monster! We've been suspecting that for years but I am blissed out to realize that it's true. So that was amazing. (So was the time I spent with Infi but that's not something I can put in words obviously!)

- I'm not sure if there's anything left to say today... Lynne is awesome, I forget who was in my dream last night but there WAS somebody, I am so excited about this dream thing... I swear EVERY dream for the past week or so has touched on headspace and/or the System in some way. This has never happened before in my life so that's really incredible. Unfortunately my waking schedule has been a mess and I've admittedly been too tired to record my dreams, so I've been losing all my recall.
However, I know that on the night of the 9th I clearly saw Spine talking to Lynne-- that stood out because she was so bright-eyed and expressive, BUT she was back in a mostly skeletal form, which I thought was true but wasn't sure until then.
And, the night before also stood out because Lynne was talking to me (or someone else? my p.o.v. was 3rd person again), and she was sitting on a ledge or something, it looked like she was in midair. But as she was talking, Laurie came up behind her and started talking as well, but she rested her chin on Lynne's head as she did so, putting her hands on her shoulders, and Lynne laughed at that. It was ridiculously cute, I know those two are good friends but you don't usually ever see Laurie being affectionate like that, so I can't help but smile just looking back on it.

- Javier hasn't been around and I miss the guy, I also haven't seen the Undergrounders in days? Time still makes no sense, maybe I should chill with Celebi more, haha. Oh, and Genesis did spend most of the day out with me today too, which was great because I miss hanging out with him. But yeah, that's all I've got for an update. It's really late, but I had to stay up late for some reason, I'll let the other person tell you why if they want to because I'm not allowed to of course. I'm slipping already; I sound more like Jewel than myself but that's probably because I'm going through the AP and it's late. Sorry about that. Good night!



- As for the "other person" here... oh. Hey. Cool. I get to type.
So some idiot hacked the body tonight, I took care of it but MAN that hurt. Apparently you have to get rid of a certain amount of the blood before it'll purify the hack out. The blood wasn't the problem though, I was actually pretty proud of myself for doing as decent a job as Razor used to (she is amazing at her work), but the cleanup work freakin' HURTS! Really, I don't understand why I have to deal with the pain and retribution, in the body, since I have to front, and that WITCH who did the hacking gets away WITHOUT A SCRATCH. It's stupid, there's gotta be a way to get to them, instead of just the body. I don't think they care about the scars, really it's just cleanup work, the scars aren't for them. They're because of them, but that's it. Wow this body is tired, it's hard to type. At least it's almost 2AM, I was hoping J would stay up late so the body could recover. It was really tired around 7PM, when I was dealing with the aftermath, that was annoying. Someone was trying to talk to me? Einsatz, that's his name. I was trying to find my name, but I didn't know where to look though. So I was looking through musical terms but Skrillex-hair man said I can't have a music name if I'm not a music alter. I guess there are rules? So I'll look elsewhere. Except... there's a certain sound, I'm trying to match up to? The words "arpeggiator" and "algorithm" are both close, but I don't know why. My name DOES start with an A, or an E, mostly it's just that sound. And the G, I can't seem to escape the G in there.
Okay, I really need to sign off... I wanted a name so people could call me when hacks are coming, or threatened. Or, I can leave my name around so the hackers see it, and I can show up and chase them off. Just so I don't have to do the stupid retribution work again, because although I'm glad to do it, it HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell on toast. That's my thing to say, it cracks me up. Okay, good night I guess.

 

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@ 09:38 pm

 

Okay, emergency update time.

We just had two abusive alters front in a row-- which is sadly not unusual-- and so now we are both dizzy and bleeding. This is not an optimal situation and frankly I am tired of finding the body in this state.

No, this is not Jay; he is incapable of fronting in the wake of such events. I'm one of the nameless socials, but I feel old. I probably am.
I'm not quite sure why I'm updating here, especially since the alters involved in tonight's abuse want their work to be kept secret, hidden, ignored. But to be blunt, I'm scared. I'm scared that this abuse has not stopped; on the contrary, every time we figure out how to deal with it, it shifts. It changes, terribly, and none of our coping methods work anymore once it does.

We don't have therapy until next Tuesday. That is a long wait. But I severely doubt the ability of certain members of our System to function safely until then.

So. I need your support. I feel lost and exasperated and more than a little hopeless. I do not want to deal with this for another night, but here I am, and I don't want to do this alone yet again. I have the right to ask for that, even if the mind tells me it is selfish. (In response: I'm allowed to be 'selfish' when I'm bleeding, tired, and scared, thank you.)

Any words from any of you?