oct 25

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Another quick update for the sake of constancy, and because I WILL forget this by tomorrow if I don't write it down.
(Writing this in Word; will post online once Scherzando's battery recharges.)

- The grandmother had some guys over to fix the bathtub for several hours today, and thanks to the noise and glue smells we literally had to retreat to the porch? I can't tell you the sequence of events; I am aware of 1. lying in bed and hearing a drill through the wall, and then 2. lying down on the porch swing in the cold. That's it! However, I do know that we were reading some more of The Minds of Billy Milligan before we tried to sleep (brilliant book), can't tell you who was reading though. Anyway the reason why I remember lying down is that at some point, Infinitii was talking to me-- we were wearing a hoodie and it was pulled over my eyes, so that sudden total and safe blackness got me into instant communion with Infi's energy vibe. So there he is, and I cannot tell you if we spoke or not, because I literally only remember him embracing me at one point, and then I remembered "hey, it's been almost a year since I tried personal energy overlays with anyone... could you do that?" Apparently, yes he can. And WHOA. I told him to stop after literally two seconds, because energy overlays are literally just that, and when someone with a really powerful energy field suddenly sends that into yours, it hurts! Not in a bad way, but it is overwhelming. Still, I am thankful that I can still feel energy in headspace like that, after so long.

- I literally do not remember looking at a clock until 3:40 PM or something? Someone was eating and Laurie called me out momentarily, again, I guess there was danger. But I slipped out again fast and now it's 10PM and where did the time go?

 

- One of the social voices (whoever likes the internet and talking about it) has been out like CRAZY today. She's getting the attention of a few other outsiders who do not like her and keep telling her to shut up. Besides her, I've only clearly identified two other people-- the numb but oddly nice guy, who was doing a lot of the waiting this morning apparently, and "Spice," the angry but sad one who takes away the food pain. Except when she fronts she's humanoid? So we're not sure if the monster-ish individual downstairs is her or not. It doesn't feel like it honestly, that always bothered me, there is a notable difference between them now that I have a recent comparison. But energy sharing is not uncommon, they may both deal with different aspects of the same thing. We'll see.

- Spice DID front for a bit this evening, that I know because she had a really lucid moment at one point and those usually stick in the archive. But apparently the body was very sick from carbohydrates again (those have become a MASSIVE Tar trigger again, so we'll need to change our diet again as well), and she came out to deal with it? Don't know when, all I know is that she immediately downed two huge mouthfuls of lemon juice, the quickest panacea for that sort of pain. I think she also tried to talk to the grandmother, but didn't make conversation, only expressed her exasperation-- which is surprising, as I didn't think she'd talk to anyone, but then again she doesn't censor herself so it's not unexpected. Again I don't know how long she was out.

- I was hacked this evening. Boss said so, he looks very tired. Laurie looks the same. Infi is actually frightened, he's in the corner all bunched up small, covering his mouth and kind of shivering and crying. But he looks like he's in shock, not sad.
I don't know. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. My stomach hurts, my legs feel like they were run over by a train, I'm dizzy, I want to throw up. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I might just go to sleep, this is awful, I don't know what happened but the pain alone is making me want to cry.
So far no one has tried to retribute it though. That's unusual. Maybe Laurie told them to hold off; I know our therapist wants us to try and stop. All I know is that I'm disturbed by the lack of cleansing pain and blood, because hacks tend to linger sickly otherwise. But I don't have the right or the want to retribute it myself, and I cannot feel any of the retributors around. That's unsettling.

 

- Tomorrow is the weekend (well technically today too; F-S-S is always the hardest part of the week) so wish us luck. We have that NaNoWriMo meeting on Sunday, and the brothers have a birthday party, so that will likely be overtaken by socials but who knows. We're hoping to get Jewel to front for the NNWM thing, but heaven knows who's going to deal with family stuff. That's not something we've had to deal with in a long time so we honestly don't know who's in charge of it.

 

- I feel like writing music. That's weird, because although the leg pain has eased up, I now have an awful nauseous headache. I swear, whoever is responsible for these hacks and why needs to stop. The physical side effects are horrid and always have been. At least I'm grateful, a little sadly though, that someone buffered all the memory off of me. So although I got the side effects I'm being pushed away from the event awareness, which is good, because that means there won't be any suicide attempts tonight. Sigh. According to the data there was a "near miss" this morning, just got told that when I thought that, something with suffocation or strangling again. Great. Probably one of the girls, the angry ones, they do that a lot. The boys are more suicidally depressed, as opposed to rageful and murderous like the girls tend to be. There is a distinction there and it's weird but it's true. I wonder why.

 

Anyway I do feel like vomiting and I should hurry up and open FL Studio before someone else decides to push me out of fronting thanks to the hack depression (which I am still blissfully free of but I KNOW other people aren't). So good night!