feb 13 2016

[prismaticbleed]

(uncensored for the sake of pain)




I'm miserable.

The war is over. We all know it.
So what the hell is this???


I asked for this. I was an idiot, and I asked for this.
We wondered, "would it be worth it to go back to fighting this war if it meant we could be tapped back into headspace all the time, even if it was just to cope?"
because we forgot what that was like.

the answer is NO.

NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO NONONONONONONO


So I'm in horrible pain and I deserve it because I'm a stupid jerk and I'm sick and terrified and MISERABLE and I can't stop screaming and crying and I'm the only f*cking faggot bastard who gets the pain this time. GOOD.
I deserve it for this shit.

I don’t know who I am anymore.
I can feel the System wanting to overthrow me, to replace me, and I think maybe that's why Diancie is around now. It wants me gone. Good. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just a corrupt, selfish fool.

This shouldn't have happened.



ANyway. Sheppard Pratt is going to be interesting now, because I didn’t realize HOW MUCH PAIN AND RAGE was still around from this.
But is that normal? I mean, say you hadn't gotten an injury in months. Then one day, you get a huge gash in your leg. That's GOING to hurt and bleed, even if a lot of time has passed between wounds. That's the SAME THING with this. It's not going to hurt any damn less just because we had a lot of blessed safe time, more than we've had in years lately.
Really, all we can do is breathe and move on, don't even give these events undue attention. Those hackers are dying off; they've lost almost all their power, and even the lost ones are getting wise. We're ALL getting wise.

I just… don't want this hate and pain and sorrowful rage making us hurt other people anymore.
I don't want it hurting us anymore either.

This only happened tonight because we abused ourself enough and felt worthless enoguh to let it happen.

Someone kept quoting at Jacinth "become someone worthy of being loved" and the more they told her, the more she felt unworthy of love as she was, and one thing led to another and this shit happened, but even then it was empty and forced.
Hackers can't lie about this anymore. We all know there's no love in it. There's no reassurance or "worth" in it. I can't even fathom how human beings do that recreationally. Are they that addicted to pain and humiliation?

So the war is over, as long as we stop trying to find battles to get shot in, so to speak.
The war will only permanently stop once we feel we deserve peace, once we view ourselves as being worthy of the peace WE want.

…
The voices keep telling us we'll never truly be good and the guilt is through the roof.
It's Lent and God knows why we keep messing up, but faults are not forgiven here and that would be a problem IF we didn’t subscribe to it 100%. You screw up, you hurt other people, you're going to hell, even if you have to put yourself there.


I don't want to go back to this way of life.

I don't want to continue living the way we are now.


We need something brand new.

We need… whatever we lost.


I can't remember who I am anymore.
I was backtracking memories as far as I could reach, and I've got nothing before the autumn of 2014. I tried. Christmas 2013? Nada. Summer 2014? Nope. Nothing until Dishonored and the first surgery, reading Dune and feeling like the world was ending. Like it probably was.
I have vague "data recollections" from 2013, headspace events we wrote about, but mostly they're just constructed memories from reading about those events. I have no memory extending outside of those words.

I want to die. I don't know why but I do. I feel like I'm responsible for this shoddy mess we're currently living. I probably am. There's too much Plague eating me alive.
Cupid still has strong roots but he's 'plagued' by the old obligatory-lust programming that killed him initially, and that is keeping him from (ever?) fully coming back now.
The real Jay, the one with the fluffy sideways hair, still exists but the System is trying to keep him inside so he stays pure and stops splintering into bastards like me whenever he tries to front in the body.

I'm so tired. I'm so damn sad.

We slept for 12 hours today and we're not sleepy but we're so tired.
I think that's what we're missing? Part of it, at least. I think that's why the eating disorder kids are clinging to that addiction even when they hate it, and they're weeping because they feel stuck and denied the one thing they really want. Recovery. Rest, and relief from this bullshit.

Like maybe tomorrow we can do that. Just… do nothing. Sit here at this desk and stay off the goddamned Internet and just not exist in the physical realm for a while.
God. THAT'S how we survived most of our life, isn't it? We're not used to this bullshit. We're not SUPPOSED to be living daily life in the body and all that nonsense, but the problem is now it's about """SURVIVAL""" and that panic is forcing our hand and we’re collapsing. We don't know how to adjust properly. We don't know if we can, not truly, and that's scary too.

I miss this. I miss being alone. I miss not existing in other people's contexts.
Funny how I "miss" times I didn't even exist in. I wonder if that sort of thing is global memory. Like Cannon's times when she'd just stay awake all night with no one around. I can't touch those memories but I know that feeling was needed, although apparently tainted by stress and work. She still had alone time. Her life was alone, and in a way we need that. Specifically in THAT way.

…The Lightraye kids had this, too. It's how they were always so creative.
They had no human friends, they had no neighborhood, they had no clubs or responsibilities to worry about. They'd' go outside and wander and dream and imagine and life was perfect and they only existed unto themselves and THAT'S what we all felt from Jewel in the snow on Wednesday and God, dear God THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.


The body dysphoria is so bad lately.

It became "unsafe" again once the brother moved in, as it started reminding us too much of him and then with all his rampant misandry it made us start viewing the body as evil, AGAIN, God we're still trying to cope with the first time that happened, please don't take away the feelings of safety we're trying so hard to hold on to in here.
Worse than that, his hatred has us thinking we're evil now.
Hence why I'm such a bloody unforgiveable scumbag.
Probably.
I don't even know anymore.

tumblr didn't help that either. that's why we don't want to go back.




We've been reading too much of the Old Testament lately so every time the floating voices hiss "GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU" they have Scripture to "back it up" now. And we believe them. And we're terrified because it feels TRUE.

…

It feels like we suffered a small but massive reset when our hard drive crashed.
I'm listening to some of the songs we lost and… that whole time period is full of fear and very distant.
I'm aware there were some nightmarish hacks during the summer, but thank God, thank God, even those feel far away now. Maybe it was a weird sort of mixed blessing, to literally have ALL our personal context records wiped from that time period. There's just distant memory now. We're rebuilding again, again, again…



(left unfinished)