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[prismaticbleed]

Dream hack right before alarm. Threw me off so bad.
It felt like being sniped. The worst part is that I was TALKING TO CZ at the time so he SAW me brace for the hellish impact and he couldn't do anything. He was just as shaken and sick as I was.

Late start day, for that reason and also weakness & cold.
Vacuumed the house to wake self up. Said the Saint Michael chaplet at 7 bike resistance to warm up and start the day for real with prayer & protection.
Oh!! WAFERS released a video literally the minute we were about to pray, that we watched immediately-- it was Fulton Sheen talking about GUARDIAN ANGELS. We had never heard that talk of his, and it HIT HARD. Completely changed our perspective on it. We need to find and watch that whole talk now.
He even referenced Matthew 16:25-26, which is EXACTLY what we're currently studying in John. So God is handing this to us very specifically, very pointedly. We must then pursue this line of spiritual education. It is literally essential.

God making me weaker and sicker with age is actually FOR MY GOOD because it now FORCES me to rely on HIM rather than on my own strength, which I used to do.

God reminding me that the System is "the colors of my soul" and that we MUST exist and worship TOGETHER to do so AS A WHOLE SOUL. seems obvious but this "singlet forcing" is suicidal and scarily prevalent.

At Mass=
Got there early, ran to confession! I was very unstructured but I mentioned my inner struggles with prayer fatigue and tendency to despair over past sins.
I was upset that I didn't have time to examine my conscience-- I just ran in as it was last minute. But now I'm motivated to do so thoroughly so thank You Holy Spirit.

Going up the stairs i glimpsed INFI again, unexpected but clearer than I've seen hir yet since hir death. Ze's still intangible, and in an unmappable floating space that can't be accessed at will-- such "bubbles" you must be brought into. But... I saw hir. Not entirely, of course-- I havent since hir death. But today I saw hir WINGS-- and they have CHANGED. They are now stained glass??? It's achingly beautiful. They're smaller, more elegant, streamlined.
I said, "but won't they be fragile?"
Ze turned to look at me with that eye, like a bouquet of lilies, and said, "shouldn't I be fragile?"
It pulled my heart like a harp again. It's unreal. I ONLY FEEL EMOTIONS AROUND HIR.
I know ze said something else in response, one more line. But I can't remember it. I think it had to do with color.
Nevertheless... ze IS changing, truly and deeply. They ARE being reborn in Christ like the rest of us, slowly but surely. They ARE being freed from their past, because they are forgiven, and as we accept that more completely, as a whole, then we ALL will be changed into a new life and beauty too.

Due to rain & autumn, the church was darker & colder then usual, and it immediately brought a surge of CHRISTMAS feelings to my heart, powerful and heady. But I found i was scared to feel that joy?? I was so tense and anxious, it felt dangerous to calm down & relax into that "I'm home" feeling of this season specifically manifest in the church. But once I noticed this resistance, I LET GO. For a minute or two, I opened my heart to it and let it fill me. The peaceful joy was so sincere it was hard to comprehend. I felt alien to it. Why? Still, I chose to stay in it, to accustom my soul to it again, as it had been in childhood. I reminded myself that Heaven is all joy & peace & safety in Christ, so I must not resist it even now. I must learn to be okay with being happy, healthy, and safe. Otherwise I will keep resisting Jesus's consolation, mercy, and forgiveness. That is literally fatal.
I don't know how I got so morbidly stuck in fear, but God does, and He WILL help you, so pray to Him to do so.

I was also suddenly so aware of Jesus in the Tabernacle during the Gloria today. I sang it directly to Him.
All our devotionals and studies are truly enriching our knowledge and faith in the Real Presence. This is amazing and it REALLY gives me joy that I CAN FEEL. Thank You God so much for this amazing grace!! Please continue to deepen our belief, reverence and love for Your Son in the Blessed Sacrament, especially when we receive Him. You deserve everything we can offer you and infinitely more. Please help us to give all we are to Him in love, as He has done so for us.

Beautiful new song to sing today. Here, listen!

Bizarre irritable apathy before dinner??? Felt utterly alien. Probably social overwhelm.
Debilitating depression after dinner though. Destroyed our motivation to exist even. Almost binged from sheer careless deadness. Took an hour to get the energy to say Rosary. Made mistake of looking for safe food online and getting an eyeful of bitter entitled reviews & mindless consumer mentality.
Prayer gave some hope again. That's what's REAL, not this sham of a culture.

So exhausted. Feel horrible. Possibly getting legit sick.