101323

[prismaticbleed]

Friday the thirteenth.
Really aching missing Josephina. But I know s/he HAS a potential rebirth seed STILL in Yellow.
I haven't seen him/her (yes their gender needs to stabilize and it's unsure) in a while, but they're in whatever "neither here nor there" floatspace that Infi is in. I think? Jo's in a more "dreamy" space; it's less "tangible" than wherever Infi is? And they COULD NOT MEET, I can feel that clearly. It's very strange.
Nevertheless, they aren't "dead," not "permanently." Their souls are too strongly loved, too important to us all, for them to disappear or even be recycled. They just need to wait until the good Lord decides they can resurrect, with new names and faces inevitably but still the hearts we know and love. Change is necessary, when a nousfoni dies. We know this. It doesn't make the loss any easier though.
Still. I am grateful for that. It means we aren't hardened to death, even though we have a hope of life afterwards. To be nonchalant about death, even a temporary one, would mean our own hearts were lifeless.


Notably more tired & weak today than usual. Run home was tough.

Last night= watched both Kubo and the Two Strings and The Tale of Princess Kaguya.
Kubo kept freezing and skipping chunks of the movie?? Some library discs do that and we don't know why. So we missed some important scenes, which was the worst bit-- almost for spite, it would freeze and skip at KEY POINTS in the film, notably three times during the ending.
Still, the animation was amazing and the "family" plotline really tugged at our heart; we've never had a family dynamic IRL, so that "mom & dad" togetherness is alien to us. Deep down I think some part of us wants it more than anything though, even though it's impossible.
...
Kaguya was unexpectedly lovely, but it hurt. Yes the beginning was VERY DISTURBING for us as a trauma survivor, solely because of the culture shock of casual nudity. But besides that, the art style was unexpectedly wonderful to watch, and I swear EVERY SCENE where they showed the sheer wild beauty of the Japanese countryside had us aching with affection. Nature is so beautiful, oh my gosh, the delicate details made it so much worse, we were almost in tears several times from the pure and simply beauty of existence portrayed on screen.
...
Both films emphasized the importance of human relationships and human emotions. Needless to say, both those topics have been a sword in our heart for months now.


REMEMBER LAST NIGHT= EMOTIONS WITH THE FLOWERS IN KAGUYA. All the blooming made me think so powerfully & instinctively of Infinitii. My heart instantly thought of Them standing there and it was so clear I could swear they were really there. I reached out towards them and I felt my heart absolutely MOVE. There's no other way to describe it it was an emotion so deep it was like an upheaval. In the instant I knew with complete conviction that "if I touched them, I would fall in love so hard it would kill me."

Evening =
Watched Song of the Sea.
SO MUCH CASUAL CATHOLIC IMAGERY. It was an intrinsic yet unstated part of the very landscape. It gave me such immense joy to see. I want that in the League.
Mac Lir weeping in anguish was like a sword to the chest. You NEVER hear men cry in movies, ESPECIALLY NOT THAT PAINFULLY. It did something to my heart. I needed it.
On a lighter note, I love the daoine sídhe trio, especially Lug, they were beautifully animated and wonderfully characterized.
Also WHY IS MY VERY SOUL ALWAYS ACHING FOR IRELAND??? It's been like this since at LEAST 2002!! Honestly I resonate with it SO HARD it hurts-- the landscape, the language, the music, everything. I don't know how to explain it.

Also I legit think we're getting sick. The weakness is worsening, as is the intestinal pain & nausea. It was so bad during breakfast we could barely eat. We feel flushed too. I hope this isn't bloody COVID again, seriously.
No fever though. Thank God.

I just looked outside at the grey-blue overcast twilight and thought, "It's Dunwall weather," haha. TIS THE SEASON.
Man but I miss that game terribly. That and NiER Gestalt. Just like Ireland, something in those games resonates so much with our heart.
Still, NOTHING BEATS KLONOA DTP. That's Jewel's heart. To this day, it resonates with more brilliance and joy and depth than anything else.
We really need to sit and play it all the way through soon. We haven't in many many years. If anything is going to remind us of who we were, back then before everything started to darken, that undoubtedly will.