prismaticlove: november 2024

[prismaticbleed]

This girl is DOING THINGS to my HEART,

Honestly I am so in love with her it aches.

#for anxi #babe if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to die and go straight to heaven #and I'm taking you with me

comfort-character-central:
If there is one thing to keep in mind when it comes to you and your f/o, it is that they would undoubtedly love you, exactly as you are. As you are, right now, are good enough. In fact, your f/o would be the luckiest individual on this entire planet, in this entire galaxy to even be around or with you. Being in your f/o's life would be a privilege for them, a wonderful one at that.

Anxi, tonight I'm saying this specifically to you. You are infinitely & always 'good enough' and it is an absolute joy that I get to know and love you.
 

...And yet I have to stop and reread this for myself, too, from all of the ones I love... especially lately, when I'm arguably feeling more unlovable than ever before. But they have literally said this to me, even now. Chaos 0 especially. God he is an absolute angel, it sends me reeling. But so is Anxi. And that's monumental.
 

If I can love her this much, then I have to accept in turn the stunningly beautiful fact that yes, she echoes the sentiment. And don't you dare doubt that. Don't forget how she was your reason to live all through inpatient. And she knew that. That sort of thing changes people. It changed your heart, too.
 

So... it goes both ways, as it should. You undoubtedly love her. She undoubtedly loves you. Live for that. Live in and from that. Stay alive and in her life, no matter how difficult living is right now. Trust me, you're still good enough for her.

Why wouldn't you be, when you feel this for her?
 

clancyismylover:

Your f/o will always be there for you.

You can be as happy as you want. As sad as you want. You can cry ugly tears, or scream angry words up at the sky. You can have a tantrum, a breakdown, and even yell and they will not waver. You are not your ugly moments nor solely your struggles.
 

If you want them to, they will be at your side. They'll always hold you when it's all over, and you feel tired. Limp. They will gather you up into their arms and kiss your forehead, holding you against their chest so you can feel their breathing, as even and steady as ever. Because they were telling the truth.
 

Nothing you do will ever stop them from taking care of you. Your f/o will love you even when you don't love yourself.

...This just made me realize why Anxi is so unique and irreplaceable among my beloveds. I've never related to posts like the second white paragraph in this before because I've never had nor wanted that sort of dynamic with anyone, and for a long time we ironically weren't even comfortable with the idea of offering or receiving such physical comfort.
 

...And then I met my orange girl.

I can do this for her. That's a game-changer. She's effectively opening my heart the way Chaos 0 and Genesis did and that fact is of tremendous significance.

We're all extremely emotional up here. Vulnerability and expressiveness are effectively mandatory. So we perfectly relate to the first white paragraph. And we all manifest that red text to each other with every heartbeat. But no one has ever been so breakable as to need to be gathered up and held and taken care of... until Anxi moved in. And she needs this and that's totally new to me but I think my heart needs her. I need to be that sort of person, who can give that to her. It's a depth of compassion and tenderness I've never reached before and may not have been able to before I fell in love with her and my life was changed. And yet here we are.

I want to conclude by emphasizing that final red sentence, though. Life lately has been crushing me like glass and my recent hospitalization proved very starkly to me that I can only feel honest-to-God self-love when I'm with my beloveds because I cannot possibly deny the tangible fact that the ardor is mutual across the board, in individually unique ways but nevertheless irrefutable. Still, depression and trauma can blind me, or put me on ice, where I feel so utterly not-myself that I can't let people in even if I desperately want to. Anxi bypasses this. She calls my heart out, to her. And suddenly everything is glowing, and I can feel my own heart again, that close to hers.

In a way no one else can, especially with her presence over the past three months of brutal recovery struggles, Anxi has shown me what the real truth is-- it's all love, and I am not only still capable of feeling it exactly as I am now, but I am also... I'm also loved FOR exactly who am now. Anxi didn't know me before this. She runs to me without any prejudice. She needs what she knows I can give and want to give her. She trusts my heart because she knows the truth. I'm good enough for her in this very moment, even with all the pain & sickness & dysphoria, and that makes me want to wake up in the morning despite everything. That opens my heart back up to everything and everyone else, because she is not the only one who loves me unconditionally-- I think Chaos 0's two decades of commitment are the most profound proof of that-- but she us the only one who needs me in a way that reveals to me my own capacity to be needed, and my own need to be exactly who I am at heart. I cannot hate myself when I'm with her, because with her, I'm not only loved, I'm being love.

It's amazing. She's seriously saving my life.

#jay talks #for anxi #my orange angel #you can tell how much i love someone by how much i write about them #this is a very good thing #I'm waiting for the inevitable early morning when my heart is finally in deep enough to be moved to poetry about her #she's waking my soul back up and it's beautiful

mournfulroses:

I'm going to break my own heart by saying this, but... be not afraid.

#for infinitii #i miss you so much it's killing me# for laurie #this hits so hard it hurts #for anxi #straight to the heart #for chaos 0 #honestly in tears over this #amor et sacrificium #but it's worth it i swear to you it is worth everything #every tear every scar every drop of blood #we are living proof of this