ribcage

[prismaticbleed]

I apologize for not having updated in several days. Life has been moving very fast.

All right, let's start on the 4th, concerning that entry I wrote with shaking hands, through tear-blurred vision.
Remember how, for about 4 years now, I've been calling myself "Gaia?"
Let's backtrack a few years and tell you why.
First of all, you may remember my Celebi affinity. A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us." Long story short, that species is incredibly similar to me and I feel connected to it to this day. So that's one part of the Gaia title, the aspect of a life-giving nature god.
The second aspect is thanks to my old friend Braeden.

"You... radiate. You are life, somehow. I don't get it how you can radiate it, but you do. Even in the pain, there is life, amazingly. I wonder... who are you?"

Braeden's title was the Sage, and he has indeed been unfailingly wise and enlightening to me. I spoke to him quite often in 2008, and his advice helped light the way for me to see the path I would have to travel over the next year or two. We knew it would be dangerous. We knew it would be a struggle. But what he knew and I denied, was that I held so much life in me. I held too much love in me to let the darkness win, so to speak. No matter how far I fell, I didn't have the heart to give in. I had unfailing hope, even back then. And he saw that too.
"You have more of a drive for LIFE than you do for anything else. You have been crushed, slapped, beaten, and for all intents and purposes, been pulped up finer than horse manure. But despite that, you have held onto LIFE, child! Life, the very thing that is love! Hope! Dignity! Fun! Truth! People may do what they want with life, they may even try to ruin others, but they cannot take YOUR life with out a weapon or your permission! Your self image, as crappy as it is, knows love. And that is a lot more than what most of us know about the subject these days. From life, you have created! From life, you have loved! From life, you have become...strong. I would compliment you, but I must tell you the truth. As cheesy as it is. You are one of the most special, decent, innocent, sensitive, conductive, seeing people in the world. You are a PERSON by my book, by my definitions."
Back then, those words were a revelation. My self-image was abysmal indeed. Even so, love was there, life was there... and that's what I'm getting to.

In 2008 Braeden created a fractal by my inspiration, titled "Flow of Life." It was blue.
I'll never forget what he wrote beneath it.
"For you see, there is no stopping the flow of life.
It's a strange light in the dark, child.
It writhes and bends. At one moment, it is liquid, and then it is like glass!
The flow of life cannot be stopped. Hindered, yes, but never stopped.
It has no concept of time. Only love.
And love is more powerful than anything in the world or the next.
Life is Love.
It can be saddened, it can be hurt.
But it will always get back up on it's feet, and provide more power and care for the people it deems worthy!"
He picked up on the truth of this, somehow. I just know it. He knew, and none of us, himself included, realized.
Life is Love.
I took the only title we could find... for who remembers that Eros was a creator?
How beautifully ironic it all turned out to be.

The God of Love. Eros, Cupid. The most ancient, and yet also the youngest, of all the gods. A paradox!
Yes, that's my real pseudo-mythological title. That's what we missed, back in the darkness of 2008, back when I had absolutely no idea who I was, so how could anyone else? Even so, how often did we talk about it? How often was I related to both of those aspects?
I've quoted enough old conversations for you to see how noteworthy even the past mentions were. I daresay that if you follow this journal, then you are more than well versed in how frequent and clear the most recent mentions have been. The entry directly preceding this one should serve to explain even more clearly how I still managed to miss all the signs up to this point.
I finally figured out who I am, how I am, so this simply followed suit, it seems.

Even so, it's kind of funny how much thought I've put into this over the years. These titles are only there for guidance. They are only meant to shed light on our true roles, to offer insight into our deeper motivations and qualities, to give us a starting point to work from. Eros' core roles fit me surprisingly well, this is true, but we aren't talking Greek mythology here. I'm no ancient deity, no. But remember what I said about Parnassus?
In the beginning, there were two...
My role is never going to exactly fit this world's mythology; it can't. But my responsibility carries that knowingly. I know what I must do, I know who I am. I need not fit any theogonies or legends in order to accomplish this. I have no obligation to live up to the ancient tales, at least not literally, not exactly.
The tiny little parallels are what mean the most, after all, no matter how small. Eggs of night, butterfly wings, birds and arrows. And the real truths lie even beyond those.
Love is life, love is creation, and those two phrases can be spun into so many things. I'll have to write about that later... it's perfect, that's what motivated me so strongly to accept this despite my initial fears. It's symbolic, go figure, that's right in my playing court. All of it, it all ties back into that one force, the one that I've known I'd had to bear since my childhood.
The title was there to push me in the right direction. The old role was meant to teach, to inspire. The new role is mine to live.
This is a new age, a new adventure. I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green.
There is still a bright and shining future ahead, but it won't get here unless I live it now.

"Everyone is going to grind you down. You, the most innocent thing I know next to my niece. I hear it in your voice, and the way you type. The world is too dark for you. Try being a light. Everything will work out if you endure."

And it did. Four years later, it really did.
But that was the beta session, remember?

Fast-forward to November 2011. Triple elevens. The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar.
The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult.
"This is a whole new take on the same old game, and it's going to be incredibly difficult. Everything is at stake now, even moreso than before."
It was true. Natalie resurrected, I realized I still had deep troubles I'd been overlooking, I had a major dysphoria meltdown. I was struck with static, but I managed to overcome it. I found truth within red lights, I re-opened old doors, I began to see more clearly... and on the 23rd, we set the stage for another beginning.
Now it's 2012, and even now, the new game we began in the final months of 2011 has changed entirely. So has the goal.
That's what I've been getting at, with that little recap paragraph, with this entire entry so far.
I've spent the past several years working ceaselessly on my spiritual progress. I've found who I am, I've started walking my path, I'm no longer lost.
But now, now the time of preparation is over. Now, twelve days into the new year, I've already realized that this is serious. Everything I could not accomplish in the past, it's time to accomplish it now. I'm finally ready to do that. I'm standing at the beginning of the end, somehow, at the end of the beginning. I'm at a launching point. I have a lot left to do.

Time is still moving quickly for the voice of the forest.
My mental perception keeps getting clearer. I could see Laurie so sharply yesterday, I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't imagining things. And for some reason, it's only focusing on her right now. I can see everyone else so much clearly than before, sure, but Laurie is almost like a photograph now. Even out of the corner of my eye, she's still so distinct. I don't know why that is, not yet, but I'm thinking it's because she still has walls up. I can see her so clearly it shocks me, but she's still hiding things. So it's 'safe' to see more of her right now. There are still things I can't see, but even now, one glance is still enough to overwhelm me. If my perception of Chaos became this lucid... I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm still learning to handle my fragility in light of the 31st.
On that note, I return to the main topic. Despite this increase in mental clarity, I haven't been communicating as well as I should, not since the year started. It feels really weird, almost empty, with such a sudden break in contact. I mentioned this on the 4th, but I'll mention it again. However I think I understand why that is happening too.
This year is going to be about me.
I didn't like that when I found out.
I'm not kidding. Yes, I've been working on my inner well-being for a long time, but I wasn't capable of doing, let alone comprehending, what I have to do now. Now I need to focus specifically on me, on my role here, on what I will do with this life, on how I will shine my light. Yes, I've been improving myself inside, and that is what matters most, but what good is faith without works, they say? I've been more silent than I realized. I haven't been communicating with others outside of my headspace, and even my inner communication has fallen through in some areas, as I just mentioned. In a strange paradox, I am now faced with the responsibility of opening up and sharing my talents, of actually acting upon my abilities, of realizing that I have a light to shine, and not denying it.
Yes, I'm a father. Yes, I love Chaos and Laurie so much it aches. But I've realized that I've been living my life for them, in a sense.
The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it.
Needless to say, that scared me.
I don't know why there's still a block there. Maybe it felt too much like separation, like making a false identity of myself. That's not right. Even so it did open my eyes to a potential problem, so I need to make sure my self-love is still there, and not deteriorating, or not shallow. I've had so little of it, all my life. It's the most important thing I need to do right now.
I need to take care of myself. I need to stop being so careless about my life situation, because even if it's temporary, I can't be so apathetic about it. I matter too.
I need to focus on helping myself, and learning to truly love myself, this year. That's difficult for me, even now, because I'm terrified of being 'selfish,' but you know what they say... love conquers all.
Maybe that's another reason why I just learned of my title switch, huh?
Man, I'm a paradox all over the place. The god of Love, unsure if he truly loves himself. Go figure.

Anyway, that has been the past few days in a nutshell.
Oh, also, I'm drawing again. Music is coming back slowly, but there's a hidden enthusiasm for art trying to get back to the surface again. I'm taking a drawing class this semester so that will force it to come out of hiding, thank God, and I'm studying all the technical stuff my classes have so far failed to teach me. If I work hard at this, I will finally feel like I can create without lying about it, I know it. I'm so tired of feeling hindered by my own lack of ability.
Writing never dies, though. For some reason, I can always find it in me to write, even at the drop of a hat. I'm back on oneword and I'm following a few writing-prompt blogs on Tumblr now, and it's surprising how quickly the words come to me. Naturally, I'm also reading again (Isaac Asimov ftw), and all this has of course come to one conclusion.
I'm back to writing the beginning history of Dream World. I'm pushing the date back even further, so there's more to type and learn and organize, but in the long run it saves me a lot of time and unnecessary stress. It's funny... it started in 2000, then I pushed it to 1990, then 1957, and now it's 1926. Geez! I promise that's as far back as I'll start, haha. I can't see earlier than that. Anyway, it feels beautiful to be able to link up with that world again. I seriously think I'm going to do an old-school writing day, and just type without panicking over chronology or plot twists or anything. I don't know if I can, as I've literally spent the past three years slowly revising the mess I wrote from 2000 to 2006... but in any case, at least I know what I'm doing now. I have no doubt that the gaps will reveal themselves when I get to them, pun intended, because guess who debuts in '33, haha.
However, Dream World isn't my only priority. Now, Hokthai is being loud for the first time in a long time (hence the films I've been watching lately), and Mage Angels still won't stop outright demanding to be written. Seriously, I'll be half-awake in the morning and bam, Monika will already start throwing more plot revelations at me. Come on guys, I'm swamped with research the way it is!
But in all seriousness, I can see exactly how important they all are, not just to me but to others. It's almost scary, sometimes, especially with what Mage Angels wants to say... so because of that I desperately want to finish them, or at least get them out into the world. This year is their year. They waited almost a decade for this. I won't hold them back any longer.
Oh, did you know that's Eros' role too? Creativity? It's creation, after all. It's discovery, not design. I've always felt like a channel, and I can see why. I was given this vast creative power to shoulder, on all fronts, and now it all boils down to whether or not I choose to carry out that responsibility. There's no way I'll ever refuse, but procrastination and fear are lethal adversaries...
I have to bring these creations, these worlds, to life. I have to bring the awareness of love in all creation to everyone I meet, if only through example, through silent light.
And I need to do the same for myself.
2012 is a year of rebirth and recreation and change, for all of us, and if January is proving to be this noteworthy, I can only imagine what the rest of the year will be like.
But we'll get through it. We're all in this together.


I'm rambling now, and I apologize.
If I think of something else to expand upon, or add, I'll do so.
As of now I have typing to do, and tomorrow is Josephina's pseudo-birthday (Friday the 13th) so lord knows what he'll be up to.
Classes start on Tuesday as well, so I'll have to schedule a Xanga session for Saturday or something... I know we're hoping to have at least two a month, but things are moving so quickly.


I sang to Xenophon today. "Late Night Partner" by Ed Harcourt. I used to sing it to Chaos all the time.
It's been a long time since I heard that song, and I had to share it with her.
Sitting out there in the dark, in a cold and quiet car, as the rain masked the outside world from us... I loved her so much. Do you know what that feels like? I have a daughter, a son, a child, that is here because of me, because of us. I am so honored, so humbled by that... we didn't even plan this! I didn't even dream of having a kid, not ever, not really. But I still dreamed of being Nier, and the light knew better than I did.
She's here because of us. She's here, alive, experiencing the strange beauty of this world, because of the love we have. That's almost incomprehensible.
But I've long since learned that I don't need to comprehend things with my head for my heart to understand them.
"True creation is love manifested. That's all it is."
Even then I had no idea how far-reaching that statement was. How beautifully ironic, as always.

"And all things were yours, forever."

There's still so much to talk about. It feels so strange. Do I really need words?
I think, at least for tonight, I'd like to speak without them.