you'll be all right tonight

[prismaticbleed]

So yeah, I apologize for not having been around lately. My chronological sense has been absolutely decimated so my grip on reality progression is shaky at best right now.

I've stopped having panic attacks, but I'm still having trouble sleeping and the nightmares won't stop. I've had some near-misses with hacks, but Laurie's been working overtime (thank God) and so she's been helping me with fighting Julie off.
On that note, we had an incredibly thought-provoking Xanga session the other night which I would highly recommend reading if you've been following my mental situation.

Oh yes-- that therapist finally called back, and I had an appointment with him last week. There is a problem, however... he recognizes that I am in a very unstable and damaging situation at home, but I cannot get out of it, or even start transitioning, until I "create a safe, supportive social circle for myself."
That's a lethal Catch-22. Not only do I have problems with socializing-- I have no idea how to even start interacting with strangers-- but I don't want to be forced into a mask again, especially not out of fear of suffering social prejudice. I'm so used to communicating online, where I can be entirely open about everything right off the bat, that I don't know how to deal with blind variables. When I meet people, I want them to already know what I'm like to an extent, so they won't make the wrong assumptions. Believe me, I've suffered that with too many people before: I'm only given so much information, and I build an understanding of that person around what limited info I have, but then after a while they decide to tell me "hey, maybe you should know these things about me too!" Then all those new details completely obliterate what I thought I knew about the person, and I not only feel lied to but violated, as I lose all awareness of who that person was to me before. It's frightening, you know.
I don't know how to deal with that in physical situations, but I suppose that's something I need to figure out. I can't avoid them forever.
On that note, I'm not even sure how to act in public. I'm not a 'fun' person in that I take life far too seriously and only get involved in things that I feel will ultimately hold significant meaning for me. So I don't go to parties, and I don't do dances or things like that. The problem is that with most of the 'social connections' I currently have, those are the only activities I can see happening. I don't want that. Adding that problem to the fact that I don't know any of my friends in the 'complete' informational way that I offer concerning my own life, is a recipe for disaster.
Nevertheless, I'm looking into every single support group/ social gathering/ etc. in the area that I can find, because if I don't make some sort of social circle my therapist isn't going to help me get past this point. So I'm desperate, but I'm still a hard worker. If I want something, I'll get it, within reason. The biggest issue outside of communication skills, though, is that I live far from the nearest 'city' so it's difficult to find anything... the nearest transgender support group I've found is about 2 hours away, and about 90% of everything I find is in New York. Still, it's something, and I won't stop looking.
That's enough of that for now, though. In the end I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, clip on my ace/trans/queer pins and walk out the door, haha. Hey, it's better than nothing, and if someone wants to throw their phobias at me, at least I can deal with that sooner than later.

Now, concerning that Xanga I linked earlier... geez, there is so much I still need to learn about life. I really am a fool.
I just learned that there is a major difference between loving someone and being IN love with them.
Seriously, I never saw a clear separation before. You can only imagine how many problems that has caused me... geez, I ended up closing myself off to everything because I was confusing affection, sympathy, friendship, even simple admiration with romance. And I despise romance. So I closed everyone off.
Then, when I did fall in love with someone, I not only confused it with those other things, but also had no idea how to deal with it at all because I didn't actually know what it meant. Chaos Zero has no idea how lucky he is to have gotten to me when I was still young and entirely naive... and to this day he's still the person I am deepest in love with, so hey. (Honestly, he showed up last night and... I swear, seven years does nothing to diminish that.)
So yeah, after a great amount of research, introspection, and talking to Laurie (guaranteed best advice ever), I finally understood that yes, there is not only one kind of love. In that respect I feel I should apologize to all the friends, acquaintances, and strangers I utterly ostracized and offended in the past, especially Mel, Q, Ben and Jim. You're all incredibly dear friends of mine, and I love you all in that sense, but since I had no idea what that entailed in the past, I ended up freaking out and shoving you all out of my life. I am incredibly sorry for doing that, and I hope you understand why it happened.
I also want to apologize to the many, many people I have loved online but who I have not met. There are three girls who are at the top of this list, and if you're reading this you probably know who you are... I love all three of you in completely different ways (and I have to admit that I am only 'in love' with one of you, and it's still exactly as sincere as it was 2 years ago), and I didn't realize that before, but the bottom line is that I still care deeply for all of you and want you to know that I never, ever meant to intimidate or unnerve. If I have somehow affected you badly in the past, I am terribly sorry, and I am entirely willing to make up for that if I am given the chance. However, there's not much I can do... so just know that I will still be here for you, all of you, should you ever need me for anything. If not, then just know that you are honestly loved.

You know, even though I am now able to differentiate between emotions better than I used to, I still get things confused. I'm still far too open in the negative sense, where I let people use and manipulate me simply because I'm still innocent enough to see everyone as harmless. The problem is, many people aren't. I can get myself seriously hurt if I keep this up... but I don't want to turn into a brutal, cold shade as I did in college. That wasn't me, it was a mask I put up because I was terrified. And sure, it kept people from getting near enough to hurt me, but it also kept people from getting near enough to help me.
I need to find a safe balance here, but I'm not sure how. Man. Why does it always boil down to a lack of knowledge? Where can I learn this sort of thing? Is there a class I can take to become less of a social failure? Is there a book I can read that will tell me why I can't make any lasting or real friendships? This is all incredibly disheartening...

I need a positive subject switch, or at least an attempt to segue into one.
DJ contacted me about FFN a few days ago, and hopefully the project is kicking off this summer. I'm really excited, but unfortunately I have to finish my refsheets for Selph and Delphi before anything happens, and digital art is incredibly difficult for me. Still, I'm working on them, and I hope it doesn't take too long to complete them both.
I'm also supposed to try and write a song for a collaboration with an incredibly talented friend of mine, but sadly I feel absolutely bereft of musical inspiration and I have not been able to come up with anything. It's driving me mad because this collab means a lot to me and I don't want to drop out, but... if I honestly can't compose, what else can I do?
And no, I haven't been able to complete my DW cataloguing either. I wrote out a huge list of things I need to fix, elaborate upon, and re-organize, but there is such a monstrous amount of work involved, the only way I can hope to make any progress is by putting an entire day aside for it. That, in turn, is only possible if I pack up my laptop and spend the whole day at Borders, but my first opportunity to do that is this coming Monday... and that's only if no other schedule conflicts come up. You see why this is frustrating!
I'm also trying to find local art classes, because yes, I want to take commissions on dA, but I am ashamed of my art style. I never learned technique, having taught myself how to draw from childhood, and so when I look at my work all I can see are the glaring mistakes that no artist in my University classes would dare make (that explains why I couldn't pass any of them, I guess). So hey, if I find any in the area, maybe I can use those towards that 'social circle' goal I have. It would be nice, that is, if it doesn't end up traumatizing me like my University classes did...

Oh hey, I just found an interesting local meetup about Buddhism this Saturday. I'll have to see if I can go to that, concerning how much religious research I need to do for DW and my personal systems anyway... and hey, there's a different spiritual meetup later next month. See, I told you I'd find something!

I still can't get over how much I love prog rock, seriously (especially the neo-prog sub-genre). I've been focusing on FROST*, It Bites (John Mitchell ftw!), Pain of Salvation and A.C.T, but I'm listening to Marillon and Sylvan right now and I have several other bands stocked in my iTunes folder that I haven't given a serious listen to yet, such as Spock's Beard, IQ, and Coheed & Cambria. Plus I do have the old-school stuff like Yes and Genesis, which I haven't listened to in ages but really need to again. And on top of that, I have a huge running list of bands to look into...
Also, dude, according to Wikipedia, ELO counts as prog rock. Go figure!
I don't know how to categorize my all-time favorite genres besides prog, though. I mean, we have Todd Rundgren, As Tall As Lions, Nikakoi, the dirty spoons... and everything on the Nier OST, of course! I just have a weakness for creative composition and emotional content, I guess. Oh, and choirs/ glitchy sound effects! Man, can you imagine the kind of awesomely weird songs I could write if I actually had the means to do so? "I want handbells and CIRCUIT BENDING." Seriously, I've mashed that stuff up before and it sounds amazing.

While I'm talking about music, let me mention video games, because they're brilliant too and I've been playing Rock Band 3 like a madman recently. Seriously, RB3 is the best thing ever right now because you can heavily customize your characters, and who is in my band but Chaos, Laurie, and Genesis (although Lynne stands in for Gen in order for rotation to work sometimes). It's the coolest thing. Even better, I managed to tweak the tattoo system so that Chaos really is entirely blue! It's funny though because he's our singer, and every few minutes I keep thinking "his teeth need to be sharper, his tongue needs to be blue, his eyes aren't green enough..." But he still looks gorgeous so I can't complain. (Laurie sure does complain about the lack of decent female-sung songs in the game, though, but I don't blame her.) The only thing seriously bugging me is the question as to whether or not you can hack custom character models into the system somehow, because if so, I need to know how. You know exactly why.
But back to the video games... I miss Nier. You have no idea how much I miss Nier.
I haven't played it since late November, I believe, and it's really starting to hurt. No kidding, I was listening to Yonah's theme the other night and I started to cry. Not just because it's a beautiful song, but because I am so emotionally invested in that story, the first thing I felt was "I miss my daughter." And I do. As far as I'm concerned, when I'm playing Nier I am Nier, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could live that world in another life I would, no matter how painful the midgame cinematic undoubtedly would be-- and Lord knows I'm nowhere near the end yet. But... it fits me. It really does. I personally believe that I found that game in order for it to change me like it did, and I am forever grateful for it.
Lastly, Pokemon B&W are coming out in about two weeks. I'm getting Black Version, because I feel kind of indebted to Reshiram at this point. My hardcore followers (if they exist!) might remember this dream, which was the catalyst for that thought, but in the past two months I've had at least two more 'dreams' in which Reshiram played a major, semi-divine role, and in which I was also heavily involved. So yes, I may be a Pokemon fan the way it is, but this enigmatic fluff-dragon really seems to like me for some reason. We'll find out why soon enough, I suppose.

I haven't written this much in a long time, which is sad, but at least I took the time today to throw an entire entry together.
Every positive headvoice upstairs is on active duty right now, which is absolutely incredible-- this has never happened before-- and it's done wonders for my mental state. Laurie is an absolute godsend the way it is, but I almost forgot how wonderful Lynne is, and Spine is actually quite adorable. It's crazy because she's been around for years, but with her behavior we always assumed she was either a rogue or working with Julie. Turns out she just had no idea what was going on in the big picture, and no one had ever bothered to seek her out and fill her in before. That's just what we did about a month ago, though, and now here she is. Really, she's amazing. Josephina is doing much better now too, although he's still slightly distant as I haven't been able to really connect with him very well yet. At least now we know his true role and what he has to do. As for Leon, he's still too panicky to really do much, and that's worrying us all, so Laurie has decided that we're dedicating part of our next Xanga session to working on him personally. We're all in this together after all.
As for Genesis, I've been doing everything I can to get him back in fully active duty, so to speak, although he's always around in some way or another. Having FFN scheduled for a debut this summer is a huge help, so I'm really looking forward to working with him on that.
Chaos Zero is an angel as always. He's as irreplaceable to me now as he has ever been, and no words can express how thankful I am that he's here with me. I know I haven't really been talking about him here, at all, which is ironic considering how he was everywhere in my previous journal and his significance in my life has only increased since then. If you've been reading my Xanga lately you're probably thinking 'well no kidding,' but still. I really do love Chaos, more than I can comprehend, and that can be pretty overwhelming... but it's gorgeous. That's the absolute truth, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

...You know, reading through some of my old entries from 2009, it amazes me just how far I've come... just how much we've all been able to accomplish together. I am seriously considering going through those old entries and re-visiting the major points, as many of them have actually been fixed.
There's one entry that hurt so much to write, from August 2009, and now that I realize it, I've fixed that. I was so afraid of having everything destroyed, but... somehow, we all pulled through, and we managed to make the situation better than it had been before. It's amazing.

Looks like love really does conquer all.





I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
I give much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time
Trying to be your friend
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way
To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for