ablution

[prismaticbleed]

Holy sharks, I just realized what the relationship is between my "wanting to be alone" and yet wanting to form connections with people, in light of my moving on Wednesday.

I DO want to "live out of a suitcase," in that I want to be free to travel wherever I am needed, BUT ideally I would like to do that WITH someone? But that someone would have to be just as dedicated to this theoretical cause as I was, and in turn we'd support each other as two parts of one unit. We'd support each other, in whatever ways needed, not having to worry about anyone else to provide for us.

...Aaand I just described my core headspace situation, NO SURPRISES THERE!

But that's why "family life" kind of rubs me the wrong way. To be blunt, I do not want to "settle down." Ever. That may seem strange, as I've lived with my biological family for two decades, but remember that I haven't exactly been "fit to travel" until recent years. And then you have the situation mentioned previously, what with needing a companion to travel with. So yes, I do want to travel the world and go wherever the wind takes me, but maybe I've been spoiled, so to speak. I can't imagine doing that without Laurie, or Chaos, or Genesis... you get the picture.
Back to the family thing. I think this is unconsciously why I've been 'away' from headspace for so long. I feel 'trapped' up there now, and ironically, it's only because I'm choosing to feel that way. Seriously, headspace is freaking HUGE. No one is making me stay in the penthouse! But I feel obligated to stay there, solely because it's a place where we can 'get together,' and that feeling like I'm tied to this single location has caused me to bail entirely. It's not fair to those I love, but at least I finally understand it.
Now I'm excited, to be honest. Since headspace is fluid, once I explain this problem to the core group, I'm sure we can work with that. After all, it's nothing new: I remember the night I discovered this beautiful location, when I went upstairs for the night I was shocked to find myself in that very room, courtesy of Laurie (I still don't know how she does half the things she does)! And then of course you have my meditation 'flights,' most notably the trial at the Blood Lotus Cathedral, which, despite its terrors, is still one of my most treasured memories. So even if some people do want to stay at the 'central' location (i.e. the penthouse), I think I'm going to travel nightly from now on.
I suppose fear is still holding me back though? I know Laurie used to never travel as she was our only line of defense against Julie, but now she's still concerned about the tar, even though she's been teaching Josephina how to handle things in her absence. Chaos will only travel if Xenophon will-- I hope she does, I want to show her all the beautiful things I can imagine-- but I don't want to force anyone. Ah well. I have a bad habit of worrying about these things before taking action, which is ridiculous; the future hasn't happened yet, so worrying about it is useless! I'll just talk to them tonight and see what comes of it.

In other news, downstairs life lately has been quite interesting. Let's give you a quick recap.
First of all, I didn't sleep at all on August 2nd. Not only was I up until almost 4 writing that entry, but I had accidentally eaten caffeine the night before. We'll get to that though. Staying up was actually lovely, as I got to see the full moon at 4AM, and I also got to watch the sunrise. And, amazingly enough, as I was watching the sun come up, barely awake, a hummingbird flew right up by my shoulder and hovered there for almost ten seconds, just looking at me. It was so surreally beautiful it literally rendered me speechless.
So that was the morning of the 3rd. I fasted that day, but besides that, all I remember from Friday is walking outside for almost two hours and talking to Laurie, and working at my local church picnic for the evening. I got home around 11:30PM, and a bit of a disaster happened. I'd rather not talk about that, but let's just say that at one point I legitimately thought I was dying (I was throwing up, shaking, and could barely walk straight). I wrote this entry during that time, but deleted it as I don't want that sort of talk cluttering up this blog anymore if I can help it. I planned on staying awake all night again, as I was afraid of sleeping in my condition, but as my symptoms worsened the thought of suffering like that for the next four hours of darkness was too much to bear.
Saturday, the 4th, was somewhat uneventful. I didn't wake up until almost 1PM, and promptly spent the next 3 hours researching and writing this piece for oneword, because when inspiration hits I ignore time limits! Then I went to church at 4PM and worked the picnic again until 11PM. Oh, and I also had the nerve to try and fast again, under the morbid idea of "hey, let's see if I end up hallucinating from all this," and almost passed out a few times at the picnic. So I had to break my fast and drink something or who knows what would have happened. I don't recall if another disaster went down when I got home,, but in any case my body was freaking out at my attempts to stay up all night yet again, and I, being too out-of-it from lack of food and sleep to make the smart decision, stayed up until 4AM when I pretty much collapsed into bed against my will.
I got REALLY sick on Sunday, the 5th, as a result of all this piling up. That day is a total blur as a result
I spent the rest of the night trying to make sense out of life, but didn't really get anywhere until around 1AM. I decided to read a few recent GFP updates, and they actually helped to calm my mind more that anything else had since the month began. Hence my previous entry!
I slept in until 1PM on Monday, the 6th, and actually didn't feel like crud upon waking up which was shocking but fantastic. I spent most of the afternoon reading existentialist blogs on Tumblr, trying to meditate for two hours on the porch (which actually helped immensely), and continuing to sell things from my LJ. I also gave up on fasting (reluctantly) and ate a normal meal-- normal for me is raw vegetables-- and it was almost comically blissful, because wow I don't feel sick after eating for the first time in almost a week! I then spent most of the evening browsing random fandom Tumblr blogs, which not only made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, but also inspired me immensely. Then around midnight my Google history says I decided to research G2 My Little Pony for about an hour? Who knows. I guess I needed their special brand of sugar-cute nostalgia.
Anyway. Tuesday, the 7th, again began with me sleeping in until 1PM, because my dreams lately have been realer than ever and I feel I need that right now, somehow. Hilariously enough that is about all I remember. I know I got all inspirational and posted a few things to Tumblr later in the evening, but that's about it.
Now, today, I'm just trying to recuperate, and find my footing again. I learned a lot over the past week, I'll say that much, and despite all the pain and trouble, I'm feeling incredibly happy right now.
That may have to do with the fact that I'm also listening to some really good music. It all adds up!

Now, back to the inner life, which is what I have indeed been doing in a literal sense lately. I forget what night it was-- understandably-- but sometime after August 2nd and before August 6th, I went upstairs for the sole reason of casually talking to the other headvoices, and it was awesome. Lynne and Jo both hugged me, and Jo seems really excited to get to work with me again, which is great. He still feels enigmatic to me and I'd like to change that. Oh, and Leon and Natalie are apparently bros? They were playing some sort of videogame in the central room when I walked in to say hello. That really made me smile, as they've both had really rocky pasts and can empathize with each other better than anyone else. Natalie also let his hair grow out a little, as he's decided to stay male but the hair helps with 'connecting' to my awareness (some part of my brain is still 'sticking' to his original female incarnation) so we can talk more clearly. He seems to be settling into his color now, so that should make solidifying his role easier now.
The only person I don't get to talk to much is Julie. She's always out by herself, from what I hear. Maybe she's used to it. In any case I think she's awesome and I have this really deep respect for her as I know what she's been through, so I want to befriend her more. I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of. I have decided to make a real effort to spend as much time with Chaos as possible, because although the past week shook me up badly it also made me acutely aware of the blessings in my life. Since he's one of the absolute biggest blessings I've ever known, I refuse to let fear get in between us any longer. Which brings us back to the opening point, I guess. Now that I realize the reasons why I was 'avoiding' him for so long, I can finally face them with conscious understanding and overcome them entirely.
Also the emotional blocks seem to be gone, too. Last night, I took a chance and walked right into central headspace like the good old days, after not having done that in weeks, and I swear the wave of love that hit me was tangible. I will admit that some part of me had forgotten what that felt like, so that was just... whoa. It felt really important, too, like a new beginning. Maybe it was, in that now that I can feel this again, and I'm leaving this state next week, we can literally start something new and more beautiful than before. I hope so.


I should really close this up for now, though. It's 11PM, and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Plus my current workspace is profoundly uncomfortable as I no longer have a desk, and Apollo only works in conjunction with a Wacom tablet now so I have very little space and my back apparently isn't happy with it. At least it's forcing me to close up and get some rest for once, right?


If there's one thought that has helped me through the darkest days now, it is this: love is unstoppable.
July 7th showed me the truth for the first time. If everything is love, how can we ever be lost?
And the answer is simple: we can't! No matter what happens, we will all return home in the end.
At heart, every one of us knows the way. Now, we just need to remember.