night flight

[prismaticbleed]

Well. Guess who's currently sitting in an airport in Denver at 1:30 in the morning?
Yeah, that would be me (and Genesis and Laurie of course). It's kind of hilariously awesome, and that is why I logged on here. I have at least five hours to kill before my last flight, at most nine, but we'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning!

As you may or may not know, today is the day I finally 'moved out' and hopped a plane to Salt Lake City to start my huge creative endeavors there. This trip has effectively been in the works for two years now, and it's been a possibility for about five. So this is a long time coming. Anyway, the reality of it didn't sink in until yesterday afternoon, when I was driving home from the post office and suddenly realized that "this is the last time I'm going to drive 'home.'" It was such a shock-- yes, I've been telling myself things to that effect for months now-- but it didn't "hit me" until it was actually happening for the very last time. So I pulled into the driveway and tried to go about business for the evening... exercise, dinner, computer work, et cetera. I couldn't. The significance of this being my last evening at home was astoundingly tangible in the air. I ended up going outside and walking around through the grass like I used to as a kid, in awe of the fact that I've lived there for two decades and the surrounding forest still leaves me speechless every time I look out the window. This realization actually helped me 'accept' the move ultimately, but we'll get to that as well!
My mother came home around 8PM and she was an absolute emotional wreck. I was also, and had been crying for about an hour without fully knowing why by that time (and I've been doing so on and off for about three days now; I also haven't been sleeping well). So seeing each other like that just was too much. She'd been a mess for days, and I was trying desperately to express the frustration I was feeling at everything that had led up to this. Let me elaborate on that, actually.
I've always been a creative kid. You all know that. But I've felt 'stunted' and repressed by the world I've lived in for a good part of my life now. Elementary school was fine-- every second of my spare time was dedicated to creative work-- but I sacrificed my social life for it. It wasn't like I had the opportunity to form much of one anyway, living in the middle of the woods and near a small community whose limited inhabitants didn't understand me even then. High school was the same socially until 2007, when I discovered deviantART and finally started to make connections, but the workload from school seriously cut into my creative time, and I really wasn't "myself" during high school as a result of "culture shock," so to speak. You all know about that. By the time college rolled around I was desperate to get back into creativity, and I did have some real success-- I wrote the vast majority of the FFN OST while sitting in the art building's upper lounge-- but the professors were perfectionists, and I was often told that I was effectively "doing it wrong" when it came to my art. Now I understand how that can apply to theory, etc., but there often wasn't any advice or supportive critique given to prevent that remark from being made in the future. Anyway, long story short, college (on top of my psychological troubles at the time; you oldbie readers know all about those) really crushed my artistic drive and motivation. For a long time afterwards, I felt my art was useless on some level. And that didn't just hurt me, it also hurt my mother.
My mom, despite what anyone may say about her, is awesome. She's my biggest fan, she's incredibly supportive and compassionate, and I would not be here without her, in both the literal and figurative senses! I owe her a LOT and really hope she knows how much I care about her; I do as much as I can to show that but I don't know if it's enough. As I was saying though, we were standing in the kitchen yesterday evening, and I was trying to express why I felt so utterly devastated by this move, when I suddenly realized that it wasn't the move that was causing this emotional pain, it was all the events that led UP to it (the main ones which I just described). Then my mom joined in and told me, somewhat surprisingly, that that was what was causing a lot of her distress over my move. All her life, her biggest goal has been to get a place of her own, so that she could live her dreams, and her children could live theirs. She has tried nonstop to give her children the best opportunities and experiences available to them, but she feels so hindered in that by her life situation. Her marriage was rocky, her finances were unstable, et cetera. And she told me that seeing how much sheer talent we have as her children is both beautiful and terrible for her, because she wants us to bloom in that respect, but she also sees how 'held back' we are by the same circumstances that restrained her. So, she said she was 200% supportive of my moving out because she feels it will finally give me the opportunity to branch out in that respect and 'become who I need to be,' but feeling that she 'couldn't do enough for me' on her own really hurt, especially in light of the fact that I was now moving 2000 miles away from home, making her feel utterly separated from one of her children in at least the 'physical distance' sense. But she said she 'knew' that I 'had to be there,' before adding with a laugh that "Salt Lake City won't know what hit it." That reminded me of the awe I felt in the grass earlier, and my mother said she felt the same way about life in general: the both of us view the world like children, perpetually enthralled by it, and I put that magic into my work without even 'realizing' it, as it's second nature to me. My mom said she believed without a doubt that that 'magic' would reach people to a very deep and powerful extent, and that whatever I would ultimately do, it was incredibly important.
The conversation somehow segued into a really in-depth philosophical discussion after we both cleared out all those painful emotions and worries, and we ended up talking together for about five hours! Which was actually beautiful and amazing. I love talking to my mom; she's the only person around who I can discuss these ideas and feelings of mine with, and even if she is a little preoccupied at the time, I can still tell that she cares and is listening as best she can. I am seriously going to miss that... but I did make her a Skype account, so we can talk that way, which is good. I'll be calling twice a week at least, probably. I want to keep in touch, not only with her but with my entire family, as much as possible. I really love them, and although I do miss them, it doesn't hurt this time? I mean, seriously, I'm sitting here in Denver and it's 4AM back home and I know my grandmother is probably waking up around now, the first morning without me there in the same room... and although there is pain in my heart from thinking about that, and I'm aware of it, it doesn't make me want to start sobbing like it did yesterday? It's odd. All the pain and worries just dissolved when I got to the airport this morning. Maybe that means something, like yes, this really is the right time for me to be moving. I'm not abandoning them, no... it's nothing like that and I would never do anything of the sort. I'm simply needed somewhere else right now.
I kept telling myself that last night, but worries lingered, and after seeing the weather forecast (severe thunderstorms over my state, oh boy) I ended up a shaky mess and couldn't sleep. I started looking for Chaos pics on dA as that always helps, but around midnight I decided to contact Mel over FB just to assuage the specific travel concerns a little. To my surprise they said Q was around and they felt he could help me with that better, so I logged on to Skype and we talked about it... and it helped immensely. The universe did, too, to a rather beautiful extent. One, while I was still on the FB main page, one of the groups I watch posted a link to a small article titled "Five Ways to Trust the Universe." Clicking it, I was shocked by the simplicity, beauty, and truth of the advice, and immediately forwarded the link to Q, who agreed wholeheartedly. Two, shortly after this, as I was still browsing dA absentmindedly, one of those 'talking ads' decided to show up and the first words of it were "It's a beautiful day!" I actually laughed when I heard that, partly because it was almost 2AM and that sentence was just broadcasted to the whole house via my laptop speakers, and partly because it seemed to stand in stark contrast to my worries about weather and schedule, but it still felt entirely true. It was as if it were saying, "who cares if there are thunderstorms and travel worries? It's still a beautiful day!" Three, that ad came back, about ten minutes later, and this time I listened to the next sentence. Guess what it was? "It's a beautiful day... so if you're headed out of town, you'd better get moving." I think that speaks for itself.
Lastly, I brought up the 'sense of wonder' thing from earlier, in light of how I already missed my home and family: I could 'feel' the memories in the air here, the lingering truths of all the beautiful things that had first been created here. However I then paused, and in a quiet surge of inspiration, added that "I'll have to carry that in my heart." Q replied to that in a surprising way: he said that that was something he felt I really needed to do, to bring that love and joy and imagination with me wherever I went, to reach people with it who may not be able to experience that special sort of magic otherwise.
In a way I think I already started radiating that today, without even being fully aware of it (it happens instinctively). I'll let you be the judge.

There's a guy playing this song on the flute on the TV at my terminal (it's apparently perpetually tuned into a really old-school 'art' channel? synchronicity strikes again), and it really made me smile. Ah, early mornings at the airport!
Also I FINALLY got to drink some water right now, 15 hours after my last drink, and I don't care if it's bottled I am so freaking thirsty it's hilariously delicious. There was ONE store open when I got to this airport and it did sell bottled water, so thank you to that open store!!

So. Now to finally talk about the flight schedule itself.
I left my house around noon yesterday morning, on the 14th, after doing some last minute packing and organizing. Almost my entire family accompanied me to the airport-- the only exceptions were my grandfather, who isn't mobile enough, and my mother, who was unfortunately working at the time (and they wouldn't let her leave). We hung out in the lounge together for a while, during which time my mom called, so I got to speak with her and reassure her that everything was okay. Then we checked the flight schedule board and hey, I'm already delayed! This wasn't a concern though-- the delay was only an hour, and I had a three-hour layover waiting for me at my next stop anyway. So that wasn't an issue. I said goodbye to my family twice before I went through security, after which I just chilled out at my gate for the next hour, making sure I knew my flight info and the like. Genesis showed up to keep me company almost immediately, as did Laurie, and the two were teasing each other like crazy for a little while which was hilarious.
The plane left around 3, and as we were pulling out I suddenly found Xenophon sitting in my lap. She was adorably excited, saying Laurie had insisted she sit with me, as this would be her first time flying. And I'll tell you what, she loved it. When the plane took off her eyes just lit up! I couldn't stop smiling at her. So she sat with me for the whole trip, while Laurie, Genesis, Chaos and Dagger(!) apparently were 'riding' on the wings? Hey, when you're not there physically you can do crazy stuff (Genesis typically rides on top of the car during road trips). Oh yeah, and Marik and Bakura were apparently trying to surf on the plane as well. It was hilarious, I will say that much. I will also say that when we took off, and I saw my hometown stretched out below in rolling green hills and sunlight, it was kind of hard not to cry, simply because it all looked so beautiful and I really am going to miss it.
We arrived in Philadelphia at 4, and it promptly began to rain. No kidding! Now I had roughly 2½ hours until my flight, but I first had to hop the shuttle to get to my gate. This took about 20 minutes as we had to wait for the rain to let up a little, but no worries. However, once I checked the departure screens, I realized that my flight was currently listed as "boarding," and at a terminal halfway across the airport. I ran to that terminal, but when I got there I was surprised to find that there was a totally different flight scheduled there! So I don't know what was up with the screens. Anyway I had a good laugh over this (after I could breathe again of course), then decided I'd just stroll around the rest of the airport until it was time to really board. Now at this time Laurie alone was accompanying me, and she was getting rather concerned-- it was hot at the airport, I hadn't eaten in six hours (and breakfast wasn't big), I was operating on several days of bad sleep and stress, and I had just run like a lunatic across half the airport with a 20-pound carry on hanging from my shoulder. So I was a little dizzy at the moment. She insisted I eat something before my next flight-- a 4½ hour connection to Denver, where I am currently sitting-- and I assured her that I would, as soon as I found a place. Unfortunately this was tricky with my dietary restrictions; my options were either buying a salad, a fruit smoothie, or possibly sushi at this really posh restaurant near the C gates. By the time I finished walking, though, it was 6PM, and I didn't have time to spare. So I decided I'd just buy whatever was nearest my gate. Now, as I walked past another departure screen, I overheard a family of four saying something about a "flight to Colorado." They sounded confused, so I stopped and asked them if they were talking about the same flight I was on? They said yes, and I explained the discrepancy between the board info (saying it was boarding) and the actual situation (it's not going to board for another half hour yet), assuring them that no, their ticket info was not incorrect! They thanked me for this, as they had indeed been baffled, and I continued on my way. Now thankfully there was a quick-stop shop that sold wrapped fruit, so I got an orange, an apple, and a small bag of dried fruit. It only cost me about $4, brilliant! So armed with food, I walked to my gate... where I was greeted by a rather intimidating line, positioned in front of a gate screen that read "DELAYED DUE TO WEATHER: NOW DEPARTING AT 8:30PM." Well. That sure wasn't on the departure screens! So I nabbed a place in line, eating my dried fruit and apple in the meantime as I really was getting hungry and kind of faint, when it hit me. My flight out from Denver had a 1½ hour layover tacked onto it, but this sudden delay was adding at least another half hour to my arrival time. Was I going to miss my 10PM connection? 15 minutes later, the man at the gate said yes, I was almost definitely going to miss it. Okay, now what? I asked when the next flight out would be. He took a look at the schedules, then told me...
11AM tomorrow.
WHAT.
So, he double-booked me on that flight to make sure I got a seat, but then all I could do was wait. However, I first had to make a few phone calls... aaaand my cell didn't get service in the airport. So I ran to a payphone, when I realized I didn't have enough quarters. I did have some cash on hand, though, so I walked over to the foreign currency exchange stand and asked if they could help after explaining my situation. The guy there said he 'wasn't really supposed to,' but he gave me three bucks in quarters anyway, which I sincerely thanked him for. Then I waltzed over to the payphone and called my dad. Since he's flown in the past and has dealt with layovers of doom before, I figured I'd ask him if he had any advice. However, no, all I could do was wait. I was cool with this though, so I assured him I'd be okay, and then I tried to call Mel. However, the call wouldn't go through, and I kept getting an "invalid phone number" response. I called the operator and had them put it through, but that still didn't work! So I tried to call my house phone. Same problem. Even better, the payphone didn't return my dollar in quarters that I lost as a result of these attempts. Laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation, I returned to the currency stand and told them the situation. The guy shook his head, smiling, and said he'd let me use their phone. Now I was just about to dial the number... when my cell phone rang! This was bizarre because it wouldn't let me dial out, but apparently it could receive calls? I wasn't complaining though! I answered it immediately-- it was Mel-- and told them the situation as I walked back to my gate. They were understandably upset at the thought of me having to stay the night at the airport instead of at my new home, but there was nothing we could do. We were in the middle of discussing travel plans for my new arrival when they suddenly disconnected. Not sure why this had happened, I still couldn't ignore the fact that my phone was somehow getting service all of a sudden, so I decided to try calling my family then to tell them about this delay. It worked! And, to my surprise, my mom answered the phone (she doesn't always come home after work so I unconsciously assumed she was at her boyfriends house). I explained my dilemma to her as gently as I could, letting her know I was okay, and I'd call back as soon as I was leaving for Colorado. However, as I was finishing this call, my phone told me Mel was trying to contact me again. I hung up my family call and answered ner, and we finished our previous conversation-- with our current schedule I wouldn't reach SLC until almost 2PM tomorrow, but Mel would still be able to pick me up, so that was good. I just needed to contact them once I got my new boarding pass. Now, once again, all I could do was wait!
So I waited. I switched seats to see the gate screen better, and sat down next to a brunette in a pink hoodie and toe sneakers filling out a crossword puzzle book (don't ask me why that sticks out in my memory). As I sat and ate my orange (hey, who knows when I'd be able to eat next?), I remember praying for a little "miracle"-- if somehow I wouldn't miss my connecting flight in Denver after all-- but I was shocked when I assessed my 'feelings' and found that they were actually favoring the delay situation. I thought about this for a few minutes, and realized that even if I tried, I couldn't feel bitter at all about the whole delay thing. On the contrary, it felt almost exciting. It would be an adventure, an experience I otherwise would not have had. I kept thinking back to Des Moines, and how that was a nightmare to live through, but I remembered it with a sort of fondness, solely because it was so interesting. Now, in light of what I had been told last night-- as well as what I had learned since Des Moines in general-- I simply couldn't view this potentially huge delay as 'bad'. I had absolute faith and trust that, whatever happened, this would work out for the best. So I waited.
I waited for longer than I thought I would. The plane did arrive at 8:30, but boarding was taking a long time. I tried to call my family that I was finally leaving, but my cell wouldn't let me call out again. I randomly asked the pink-hoodie girl if she knew why that could be, but she had no clue either. I thanked her anyway and resolved to try again once we got outside. Ten minutes later, though, a woman and her two daughters joined the line behind me, expressing their frustration with this delay-- they had just flown in from Italy, and had essentially been navigating airports all day. This sparked a conversation in the back of the line, which I joined in on, and it was actually really lovely to just chat it up with my fellow travelers for a bit. And, awesomely enough, the woman returning from Italy let me use her iPhone to call my family before we boarded! My mom and grandmother both answered (on two different phones), and my mother was obviously trying not to cry. I told them that we were finally leaving-- they were shocked that I hadn't left yet-- and that I'd be on the plane for at least the next four hours. I promised to call them back when I landed just in case, but I'd also call again in the morning. Then it was time to board the plane. Once we were finally on the plane, though, we literally just sat there for a half hour before taking off. So, in truth, we didn't leave Philadelphia until 10PM! Once again, I didn't mind: I was now getting some lovely spirit-guide messages as I stared out the dark window and tried to tell if we were moving yet or not. They kept telling me to keep trusting in the 'bigger picture,' to keep being grateful for everything I experienced, to keep smiling (which I seriously had not stopped doing since I reached my local airport almost 12 hours ago), and to not be afraid of anything. They really emphasized that last point, and I realized why as we took off into the night and were greeted by lightning flashes in the clouds above. Now, a few months ago, I might have flipped out right then. Now... just a sense of wonder. However little 'twinges' of fear kept jumping up, to which my guides told me, surprisingly seriously, to "stay in my heart center." I mentally nodded and did so, and the resulting change was immediate and powerful. I looked right into those thunderclouds and I wasn't afraid at all. It was an absolutely incredible feeling. I then had the thought that the delay had been important partly because now I got to experience this night flight. I wondered why, and then the clouds cleared.
Have you ever seen Philadelphia lit up, from an airplane, with stars shining overhead and silvery clouds floating by below? It is beyond words. I wish I had a camera on hand, as I had such a strong desire to take photos solely to share the joy of the sight. Oh, that's another feeling that hit me all of a sudden as we took off. I looked around at my fellow passengers and suddenly I felt this overwhelming love for them all. I saw them not just as travelers from one state to another, but travelers in the great journey of life itself: these were fellow souls that had journeyed through heaven knows what over the years, all leading up to this point, and now beyond. Every single person on that flight with me was beautiful and irreplaceable and inspiring by virtue of their very existence. I still couldn't stop smiling, although that brought me to the verge of tears again. Also, seated next to me was a middle-aged couple, and I remember the woman was eating a salad and the guy had some sort of greenish-teal shirt on. I'm recording all the snippets I can remember, because I want the memory of today to stick!
(Speaking of, right now "Music Of The Night" is on the TV and there's a dude lightly jogging around this end of the airport. Good on you bro!)
The night flight was truly lovely. I had to fight the urge to fall asleep once we hit the 2-hour mark or so, but I did nod off a few times due to unavoidable fatigue. I tried stretching a bit to stay awake, but that could only accomplish so much. Thankfully it was a 'movie flight,' and the couple seated next to me had bought a showing of The Avengers to watch (go figure). And right around the time I was trying not to doze off was the beginning of the New York alien fight. So I decided to maybe watch some of it, both to get a glimpse of Robert Downey's eyes (especially from inside the suit; the lighting is lovely), and to maybe help me stay awake. I didn't want to watch the fight scenes again though, so I was just sneaking quick glances. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but as I was looking back out the window, the woman suddenly elbowed me slightly. I thought she had maybe shifted and bumped me accidentally, but then I looked back at the movie screen-- and it was the scene where Tony flies the missile back into the tesseract, the exact scene I had wanted to see. So I mentally thanked her, haha.
We arrived in Colorado around midnight local time (2AM in PA), and as the plane was still on the runway I called my family to tell them I had arrived safely. Only my bro Randall was awake at home (as always), but I told him I'd be calling again in the morning. I woke up my dad, but he said that was fine, and thanked me for checking in, before also telling me to call in the morning. I didn't call Mel yet, as I wanted to wait until I had the information for my new connecting flight to give them. Thankfully, that was handed to me upon walking through the entrance. My boarding gate was at the opposite end of the airport, though, and this place is big, so I started walking before I finally called Mel to give them the information. They said they had checked my flight info online, but then said there was apparently another flight out to SLC and they were surprised that I wasn't on it. True enough, my current flight (the 11AM one) wasn't even on the departure screens-- instead, there was one listed to leave at 8AM, same airline, same destination. I said I'd try to get on that one if possible. After briefly reviewing plans for the morning (I'd call them at 7AM either way, and I still had someone picking me up whenever I arrived), Mel told me that Q wanted to talk to me. Of course I agreed, and they put him on. We then proceeded to casually talk for the next hour. It was great. He was explaining this "SCP" horror game to me, which was really interesting, but I had to cut him off at one point (not hanging up though) to quickly speak to customer service as they were closing. I told the man at the desk about the SLC flight situation, and he very kindly put me on the waiting list for the 8AM flight, giving me a second boarding pass and telling me what to do to check if I was given a seat on that plane or not. I thanked him for his help, then went back to talking to Q. Around this time the topic switched to the actual situation we were in, and since I had several hours to go yet, I decided to walk around the airport while we talked (I ended up walking the length of it twice which was fun). Apparently we both have the same strange feeling about this trip-- not only is it mind-boggling to realize that this is several years and a lot of 'synchronicity' in the making, but the very fact of my moving to SLC feels incredibly significant somehow, in a surprisingly large sense. Q described it as a 'turning of the cogs of the world,' or something along those lines: every action has a reaction, or a ripple, but this one is BIG, like throwing a boulder into a pond. We're not sure why we can't shake that feeling, but we're not worried, we're just hilariously excited. It feels amazing, and to think that this, right now, is the moment of truth, is brilliant. I will be in Utah in less than 12 hours, and then I guess all heaven breaks loose? Whatever happens, once again, I have total faith.
I hung up around 1:15, bought the water I mentioned earlier, then sat down and began to type this. Now its 4:15, haha! Sunrise is in two hours and there's a big window to my left, can't wait. Oh and I was smart enough to pack a bit of food on the plane, which I purposefully saved until the Denver flight anyway, and which now is getting me through the layover as no shops are going to be open for at least another hour or so (the earliest flights leaving here are around 5:40AM so I assume the place will get busier within the hour). It's just vegetables of course, but I've got two tomatoes and a cucumber that are freshly picked from my mom's garden in here, which is awesome. And there's that weird missing-it-terribly but still not-wanting-to-fly-home-because-of-it feeling. Ah well, I can call Mel in three hours and depending on the situation then, I'll call my family too. I guess I'm just concerned for their well-being in light of all this; the gravity of the situation hit me yesterday, but I don't think it really slammed them until I went through security at the airport. You know, the point of no return. So I want to keep in touch to make it a bit easier for them, if possible, especially with the whole mess of delays!

Hm. Not sure what else to type now. Maybe I'll just close this up and read, because I did pack a book and haven't been able to read more than three pages yet because of how unusual my schedule has been. Then once the sun starts to come up I'll meditate, as it'll be brighter and I won't have to worry about falling asleep flat-out as a result. I think that'll work. I'd compose something (I'm updating from Scherzando, my new Windows laptop, and he runs FL like a dream) and/or listen to music on Last.fm too, but I don't have headphones (and I don't really want to buy airport ones due to pricing), and besides I've got this TV in front of me that's been playing snippets from Italian operas and symphony orchestras all night, which is pretty brilliant.

In that case I shall bid you adieu for now. I will update again tonight (9PM Utah time, maybe?) if possible, because I know today is going to be beautiful, what with finally arriving in SLC and then going to Assumption mass this evening (my second favorite non-holiday holy mass of the year; first is the Ascension). The only trouble is that I might be completely exhausted by then. We shall see. I don't want to sleep for 15 hours and forget everything, right?

4:40 AM... 9 hours to go, tops.
So much love and light to all of you.
I'll see you soon!