even so.

[prismaticbleed]

 

Eh, I need a place to rant, hiatus or not. Just pretend I'm not here.

 

Decent day today... I forget my dream, eh, but I managed to wake up at 9AM which is good. Immediately started cleaning house as that was the schedule for today, and as a result alternated between dishwashing (so many freaking dishes what) and table-cleaning (you have to see how junked-up our tables are) until 2PM, when I decided to bring up Leafcat's journal and make myself a list of what Chibimarens need to be drawn yet (she wants help and I'm going to give it). I picked 6 groups of 3 to practice with, and I want to draw at least 2 so we'll see how that goes. I'll probably just ink them and send 'em to Leafcat to be colored, as she does a bang-up job of it and I only have colored pencils, haha.
So yeah. Spent about 90 minutes writing and researching refs so I'll start that ASAP.
Went to 4PM mass so I can have a free Sunday...speaking of I need to get to sleep early so I can wake up around 7AM, but that's not the point... it was funny because when we got to the handshake part, I turn around and there's this teenage kid and his family behind me and he was bright pink. XD Wouldn't even look at me! Well, being the courteous headcase that I am, I gave him a hearty handshake anyway and I swear he must have died. Thank God I'm asexual or I wouldn't be able to do these things, haha. That was fun in a funny way.


Anyway! Got home and right nearly stress-ate, as my mom was home and started this whole situation which killed my afternoon... details at the end of this rant... but yeah, I got really really sick from that and I don't know where Selph went off to then so he wasn't around to yell at me... eh.
Selph... says he's very depressed. I don't know why, neither does he. But that worries me. It really worries me. I hope he's okay... I'll have to sit down and talk to him later on. Poor darling...
So yeah... did a quick dA checkup which took ages as it kept freezing, and became distracted by the awesomeness that is zeroxtb for about 40 minutes, as I haven't stopped by his page in months and I love that guy's style and personality. Awesome dude. I'm going to buy a commission from him once I get the cash. And foolyguy. I've been a fan of his for YEARS.
And now I'm here. 9:41PM, yes, I feel sick as fish and just want to sleep so I can wake up early and draw some artwork for Jim.

But now for the details.


Jimmy Theed.
I freaking love that kid. He's awesome.
But... read this. --> http://jamesprower.deviantart.com/journal/19076807/
What am I supposed to say about that, huh?
The poor kid has only been drawing for three years, and he's already gotten so far... but not in his own eyes. The poor kid keeps comparing himself to the professionals, the kids with college degrees and art educations and decades of experience.
Geez... Jimmy, you may not be at that level, but you've just started... in time I have no doubt you'll reach your goal. I mean, look how far you've come already. It's amazing.
...I should be typing this in a comment...
...But you know what? Remember how I said it's really hard for me to cry?
Well, honest to God, I cried when I read that journal entry. Know why?
Let me quote...


"Yes, i understand practice makes perfect. But i want to share my art and everything with you now, while im still young. And these things can't be rushed... i started drawing in 2005, and i was horrendous back then- It only took until late 2007 before my stuff became mildly passable at best- For me to get REALLY Good, it'll take years... And im going to run out of time. And that's whats truly making me sad, you know? Most of you have been nurturing your talents before hand, and you where born with it. Celebrate that fact. Me? I had to try and form one myself, because i was not born with such luck. Despite having an artistic father, i never got his art gene. I had to work pathetically hard to even become passable, because i had idea's i wanted to share. And, well, when nobody seems to care BECAUSE of the fact you are just not good enough... You can't imagine how upsetting that is..."


...Maybe not, Jim, but it still hurts like hell.
Time.
Heaven have mercy, I can't do anything about the time. And that hurts more than anything.
...
I don't know. All I know is that added a lot of heartache to what I've already been feeling since last weekend... heck, since I was old enough to comprehend pain... and I'm literally desperate to alleviate some of that, no matter what Jim's latest journal says.
Jim, you say you're feeling better, but I know you're still thinking about that subject even when you don't tell us anything.
So I'm still going to do something.
Thank God Ben's okay, as far as things go... if anything happens to him as well, I just might lose my mind.
So yes. Tomorrow is a major art day. That is all I will say for now.




Now for last weekend.




On Saturday, June 21st, my family and I went to my cousin's wedding a few hours away.
Weddings don't do anything for me, really... I can still empathize, sure, but it takes conscious will as I usually don't relate to those situations. Also... everyone makes those infamous wedding jokes... "if love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener"... and then the family speaks up... "you better have a good job, insert name here, because my sister always gets what she wants..." "Yeah, so-and-so was a real wild one in college, and he really hasn't changed...." and you see the bride and groom looking horribly nervous and embarrassed and I just want to stand up and tell everyone to give it a rest and just let these two enjoy their married life before it goes sour and God willing it won't but many of them do...
See, that's why I don't like weddings. Almost all the married couples I know, parents included, don't get along at all and usually end up fighting almost daily and/or getting divorced for similar reasons. Take my parents, for example... both of 'em have nasty tempers, mother is a fiery free spirit who gets what she wants, father was a wild one in college and really hasn't changed and is also a drunk and possibly cheats but I only heard that from my mother who hates him so that might have been exaggeration but I can't be sure. They're divorced, they still don't get along, and the house is really no less peaceful because she's constantly screaming and berating him even when he's living ten minutes away. And I can't help but think of that sort of situation when I look at the bride and groom, all smiling and anxious and at the threshold of a totally new life, and I just say a quick and fervent prayer to God that they really will have a happy marriage even though those seem so freaking rare nowadays.
Weddings are very upsetting. Thank God I'm a celibate. I could never pick and choose anyway, haha. Freaking altruist.
That's not what upsets me the most, though.
What upsets me the most is that my mother always cries at weddings.
I am so sick of hearing her cry.
Not sick as in annoyed...
...Sick as in heartsick.



"Are you all right, ma'am?"
"No, no I'm not...
...I can't help but think of how much of my life I've wasted."



Then the empathy kicks in full force and it's all I can do to keep from sobbing as well.
I... I don't know. I always get stuck with these horrid situations that I can do NOTHING direct about. I can pray, I can offer compassion and kind words, I can offer all the help I can manage... but I cannot change the situation. And that hurts more than anything. You know that.
My mind decided to throw a heavy question at me that night.
"If the only way to make your mother truly happy, to free her from her painful past and give her the life she's dreamed of having for the past 50 years... if the only way to do that was to give up your own life, would you do it?"
I hesitated.
That would mean giving up this face, this house, these opportunities, these friends, this environment, these parents and siblings, this entire existence for something completely different and unknown and possibly hellish... but would I do it?
I bit the bullet and said yes.
Mind you, thank God I will never have to live that, as it's impossible... but the choice was made, and that's what counts.



Yeah... so that's how my week has been.
And that's what made me decided that everything was getting too much and it would be best to just separate myself from all my other worries for a while (nevermind all the other bad news........)
Unfortunately, I'm too nice to do that. I still check up on Q and Jimmy and Ben and Kiwi and so many others daily, even if it's only for three minutes, even if I can't say anything or let them know I have been there... but I worry about them. I care. So I stop by and see how life has been for them.
Hence the extra pain right now.
It's worth it, though. Oh well.


Now for a bit of extra happy before I close up for the night because it's 10:43PM...


First off would be THIS.

http://leafcatgx.deviantart.com/art/Project-SpList-062-DELPHi-90011995
I have said it before and I will say it again...
Delphi should NEVER look cute.. but darn it, he's so GOOD at it!
Saw that by accident, actually... noticed a lot of NiGHTS fans on my 'recent visitors', so I thought "uh-oh, who drew what?" That's what it was!
So yeah. Super-nice surprise this morning. Funny trivia, though... I had to digitally color his eye green on my PC because she colored it gold. Oh well. Still looks cute!

Second bit of happy would be THIS.
My little brother Diamond got one of those three-pack Pokemon sets for his birthday last year... yeah, October. And he never opened it. So my mom found it when she was cleaning his room today, and since he didn't want it she said I could have it.
So I run into the kitchen with it, all excited like a little kid, and open the darn thing. Pack 1... all repeats. Pack 2... mostly new ones, which was nice.
Pack 3...I got this little piece of heaven.
http://www.spillsjefen.no/images/poke_cg094.JPG
SHE HAS BEEN IN MY HOUSE SINCE OCTOBER AND I DIDN'T KNOW.
But now she's mine, ahaha, I'm freaking ecstatic and that's enough to brighten my whole day. Mm.
I almost bought that card on eBay on three different occasions now... but see, there's a reason I didn't win her! XD Now she's mine for free, with no shipping cost either!
*hugs*
Now I just need those old-school Celebi cards and I shall be a happy gal.
Yes yes yes, I only need a few cards yet and then I'll have all the monsters from Bulbasaur to Deoxys. (I have only one pack from the DP generation and don't have the money for all those dudes anyway, but I still want Darkrai and Froslass eventually.)
But I want all the Celebi variations because that little monster has been a HUGE influence in my life for the past 7 years, I kid you not, so ha I get card buying rights. Don't laugh!


Lastly would be the song of the entry! See, I remembered this time!
The song this time is... my song.



"Big Julie" by Jarvis Cocker.


The lyrics fit (with a few obvious exceptions), the song is absolutely gorgeous in every way, and it has a truly unique personal history for me that surpasses all others.
I won't rant about it now, as that will take another hour, but... its honestly my absolute favorite song. Yes, it even trumps 'Sonic Drive' and 'Mr. Blue Sky,' the previous holders of that title.
So... go download or buy it if you can. It's worth it.
My beloved 3AM song.


....But yes. That has been my week.




I feel so horrendously sick right now it's insane... I can think of far too many factors contributing to that which isn't good... but even worse is that it's not getting any better and I hope I'm not literally sick. I have class starting 9AM on Monday and I cannot afford to miss it, no sir.
I'll have to down some medicine and pray it works fast... eh.




Geez this is a long entry.




But the icon still applies 100%, which is very odd.
Usually my mood warps during the entry, as they usually take me anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours to type, depending on size and whether or not Abbey cooperates... this one has taken 2 hours and now I need sleep.
I also need some prayers answered soon.
I'm sure they will be, but... eh, life's still hard.




And I can't do anything to change that either.