021913

[prismaticbleed]

 

THESE FREAKIN' SYMPTOMS MAN, SERIOUSLY.
I feel like I'm turning into a literal flame at this point, aha. The headaches and heart palpitations and overall funky sensations are nothing to sneeze at either. Ah well. Gotta soldier on.

Anyway. I spent most of today researching for Dream World!
Good gracious I NEED to start putting that stuff online somewhere. I was in tears the other night because I hate the thought that their story is trapped with me, solely because of my ridiculous 5-ish compulsion to "get all the facts straight" before I make any moves. Screw that, man, I seriously just need to start posting things regardless of whether or not I go back and change it all later. I mean geez, Engelbaum went through several stages of development that WERE publicized before settling on the current story. And no one loves it any less as a result!
So I need to take a deep breath and do this ASAP... as soon as I open commissions of course, because I need money for food. Honestly the family is practically running on spare change right now and I've been struggling with too much physiological madness to get medium examples together yet. I should make that my goal for tomorrow. Hold me to that if I don't, seriously.

Speaking of creativity though: I'm back on oneword, thank goodness, as I adore that site. I need to find more "daily creative prompt" sites like that; they're absolute inspiration sparks.
Tweaktoday is practically dead; maybe I can sneak back in and skyrocket up the user rankings, haha. That was fun back in the day.
Heck, maybe I can even invent my own thing. I have an empty Wordpress blog that is just begging to be stuffed full of ideas... oh hey, remember when I was writing snippets on Tumblr about photos I stumbled across? Now that was fun. I think I'll bring that back.

I need to go do another 15 minutes of cardio if at all possible. Last Monday, when these symptoms slammed into me entirely without warning, I was forced to go from 60 minutes cardio to 10. 10! But it was inevitable-- once I hit that mark, my body would suddenly overheat to the point where I swore I had a fever, and I'd get ridiculously shaky. So now I need to break it up during the day. If I don't exercise, I feel utterly awful, in stark contrast to my old exercise reactions of "oh hell now Julie's going to attack me isn't she." Hence why I was out of shape for ages. Now, though, it seems to be doing the opposite? That's good; the more motivation the better.
I do need to get back into weightlifting though; I stopped for a while in January due to the self-abuse resurgence (lifting hurt too much with all those cuts), and then my school schedule ate into my gym time and now I just don't feel so hot. It's ridiculous. I'll try to start that again slowly regardless.

On a related note... I'm sorry to say that tar hacks have been brutal lately. The past three, four days especially have been rather hellish in that respect... Laurie and my boss are trying to help me out but it's tough. We're struggling to pinpoint just how it's getting to me... last night I barely slept at all because of how much we were fighting it (well, mostly Laurie; I was such a wreck I had no strength left to resist). I'm starting to get the old "physical flashbacks" again too, which are scary as hell and are sometimes severe enough to leave me literally incapacitated, curled up in a self-loathing knot and fighting back tears of rage, shame, and terror. This old terror NEEDS to be cleared out, and if Lynne's impromptu attempt to do so last night was any indication, there is a LOT that needs to be healed.
It's not easy to face, on any level, and I will admit it scares the living daylights out of me when it's brought up (because I feel those things), but I'm at that point where the pain of standing still outweighs the fear of moving forward by a lightyear. If I have to drag myself half-dead into this healing light, then so be it. I want it healed.
By the way, we figured out why I'm having trouble with Celebi-- it's simply elemental conflict. She's wood, I'm fire. Her emotional style and mine do not mesh. She adores me and wants to be close, I just don't feel that same level of love for her. I have it all wonderfully worded in an audio file that I need to type up tomorrow... basically, everyone I've known well enough to experience their emotional styles, I can describe in synaesthetic terms. It ties into intuitive sensory perception too-- how I can actually hear and smell auras if I tune in well enough-- and I have been practicing that as well. I have a running document describing everyone's energy upstairs that I REALLY want to upload somewhere... heck, maybe I'll make it a sticky post in the archives, who knows.

Lastly, Chaos and I have realized that there's trouble in our relationship because of my tendency to go "all or nothing" in terms of mostly everything. Through trial and error, we've realized that because my schedule has basically forced me to only see him late at night and in situations almost invariably tinged with romantic emotions, our friendship has been suffering. I've been having a hard time 'tuning in' to him lately, and that is why-- I'm becoming blind to that half of his energy field all of a sudden. We both agree that this is a big problem-- but it explains a lot, mostly why I keep debating whether or not he's "really who he says he is," why everyone's been questioning if I legitimately love Laurie more than I love him, and why we're both reminiscing over the "old days" of being a brotastic teenage gang with Ryou and Marik, but could never figure out our motivations. It all boils down to us simply not spending enough time together, and not communicating enough. I'm just extremely glad we're both aware of this now... I knew our relationship was suffering but didn't even consider that option (due to my thinking style obviously-- Genesis played role of my 'best friend' for ages and I was ignorantly ruling that possibility out for anyone else as a result). So we're working on it now, but it's going to be a bit of a struggle at first, especially with me having the bad habit of flipping over into Trickster Mode whenever I feel that I'm expected to be unflinchingly optimistic and entertaining. I keep reminding myself that Chaos is not the kind of guy that expects that of me, at all, but it's a learned reaction and it's going to take patience and care to dismantle. Love conquers all though, and I have absolute faith that we will get through this. I've been a mess lately, but I want to fix this.
Mignon McLaughlin said that "a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." We may not be legally anything but the truth still stands. I told Xenophon the same thing. Love is always there, but if you're not tuned in to it, you're going to have trouble. I don't like being so out of key and off balance. I will tune back in as many times as I need to, and I will never stop. I'll never lose hope.
It never hurts to remind myself of July 7th, either. There was an undying truth in those moments that has illuminated virtually everything between us since then. Whenever I find myself slipping, I just bring those memories back into my heart. It never fails... reminds me of a verse from 1 Corinthians 13, I daresay. Hey, I even got to lector that reading in mass the other week, talk about a sign!
Nathaniel's words keep coming back to mind though. Maybe this weird love block really is just a result of my currently withholding it from myself, God knows why. Gotta meditate more, practice seeing myself in third person again, get myself back into sync. I'm probably overthinking this as usual... I'm just disturbed at the thought that my nine-year relationship with the individual I love with my entire heart is cracking in places. Then again, that could be a direct result of my trying to be perfect. Ignoring problems and warning signs does nothing for "perfection," dude, it just exacerbates those exact same things-- and don't you have a long and funky history with that word in any case?
Geez. I really am being far too analytical here. Maybe going into poet mode would help, for now. It usually does.
All I know is that tomorrow, I'm going to have to ask Genesis if Chaos can ghost for the day instead. Maybe they can even both hang around, that would be awesome.
...I really haven't spoken to Xenophon in days either. Geez. I really suck at this husband/parent thing, I am so sorry.
I guess you need to figure out where you're stuck in order to figure out how to move forwards, though.


All right, that's enough for tonight. I will leave you with my fave song of the day and bid thee farewell.