081017

[prismaticbleed]

last night =

It is so bloody hard to talk about the things Infinitii talks to me about because Infi EXISTS as my daemon.
My biggest vice and biggest virtue is love and all its applications. ALL of them.
Which means, Infinitii's absolute biggest role is turning sex into love.
Shadow work in the most literal sense.

Trauma is a bitch. But I also know it is a liar.

 

(sea water.)


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11:58 pm.
thursday.

woke up at like… 2pm? was SUPPOSED to wake up at 9, but didn't. oh well.

oliver sent us two voice recordings-- one of his impression of infinitii (oh man it was brilliant and WAY too accurate, boy's haunted for sure ♥) and one of him SINGING to "dark horse" by the bowerbirds. dear lord it was lovely. i kept listening to it on loop and just... melted. heartwarming and adorable and deeply moving all at once. HE was singing to US. singing is hugely significant for us both; that file took a lot of love and courage and believe me it was entirely tangible. it was entirely appreciated. oh man. that made our month.

infi and I did the parallel-cofronting thing to record a message for oliver in return; barely 10 seconds after we hit stop the phone rang and it was ollie

cool color therapy glasses are MANIC BLOCKERS?????
we wore the green ones all day (to go with our new blue sonic shirt, haha) and when we were driving the manics COULDN'T FRONT??? the green made the vibe INCOMPATIBLE.
nathaniel also vibes with them, no surprise, so hey maybe now that sweetheart moth boy can front more often and just keep everything harmonious like he does best

purple peppers at the farmers market. couldn’t resist.
got there too late to get anything else, that was fine. short on time anyway

got some energy bars at wegmans, some asian food from the buffet (a little piece of the various chickens to get used to eating meat again, some of the tofu/ peppers, and a lot of the mushrooms), and chesapeake crab sushi because of that injoke about me
also got a single sugar cookie because it had SHINY INDIGO FROSTING and it immediately made me think of ollie
also got lettuce of course,

family errands at aldi. then made the mistake of buying ice cream again. we realized it is someone's binge trigger and so right now it is totally unsafe to buy.

lastly walmart, got two energy bars to try, didn't waste money on ANYTHING else, thank god. but that is solely because laurie kicked my ass with compassion good lord.
honestly. laurie has remembered that the FASTEST and MOST EFFECTIVE way to shock me out of a dissociative abusive state is to talk to me in a softer tone. like… laurie does NOT do that to anyone but me. and when she gets even vaguely "close" with me it KILLS me in the best way and I will literally do ANYTHING for her.
so she's laughing about this but she's also incredibly grateful because now she can totally defuse a toxic mental state. GOOD.

eating was fine at first, although we had to have MANY PEOPLE SWITCHING ABOUT because the brother was in the room, chuckling darkly at us, flipping us off, making those triggering noises he KNOWS bothers us (because he laughs at it), etc.
(continue)

and then when we were eating, the mother came home.
she is just… manic.
honestly we blacked out for most of it because it was so stressful.

unfortunate binge fallout from the overwhelm. big struggle but lots of determination to get better and stop.
feel so bad for those socials. but at least they are learning. they always do. they dont want to hurt themselves or us anymore.

no spoons after family exposure. took ages to clean up from sheer depressed exhaustion.

spent a few hours uploading all the "spiritual diary" files on this pc from the deadzone period. didnt read them as they tend to be triggering.
unfortunately had to read a bunch of upmc entries as i uploaded them and they were just as unsettling at times. ah well. gotta be uploaded. it's history even if we weren't there for most of it.

 

grandmother acting really, really weird. keeps coming in our room and saying "why do you keep doing this to me" "you're going to have a nervous breakdown and end up back in the hospital, i just know it" and "so you don't want anything to do with me anymore?" etc.
????? no idea what her motives are???
she keeps saying "you don't have to stay here, no one is keeping you here, do whatever you want, i would be happy if you got your own place" but the INSTANT that "moving out" becomes a real possibility, she does THIS. "don't leave me, don't you love me, you'll never make it on your own, you cant trust anybody," etc. geez.

and then the CONSTANT "you've changed since you went to north carolina" "you used to love god" "you used to love me" "now you're so full of hate" "what's wrong with you now" etc.
it triggers angry bitter socials because they cannot stand those awful accusations but unfortunately their attitudes are just feeding the accusatory fires. gotta talk to them about letting other system folks handle family drama.
but yeah. the grandmother threatening us again, all over the place, going to call our dad, going to call the hospital, going to take our phone and computer, etc. what is her deal, what does she even want???
god i don't know. it just hurts. i have no answers.
we want to cry and scream and sob and we can't sleep and we're just... tired of this whole family mess. gotta get out of here, no matter what she or the mother or anyone else do or say.

not gonna let her or anyone else hold us back from our future, now that we HAVE one. now that we WANT to have one.

the universe is still sideways and it's going to stay that way as long as we're alive.

and even if the family doesn't approve, we're doing everything we can to STAY that way.