gurge

[prismaticbleed]

It's 1AM, I haven't slept in about 42 hours, I currently have about 300mg of caffeine (PLUS a ton of added sugar) in my system, and it's all on purpose, whoop de fricking do!
Sorry for the mood whiplash, but I need to take my mind off my racing heartbeat and blurred vision for a little while. I probably won't sleep tonight either.
Anyway. As to why this disaster just happened, I've actually been suffering some serious abusive relapses over the past two months that I haven't talked about anywhere because I'm mister tough guy. It's frustrating but I'm just admitting everything right now, because 40 minutes ago I was throwing up in the bathroom (fifth time this week I think?) and I actually thought I was going to die, which was not a nice feeling at all.
I've been on-and-off bulimic since age 13, pretty much. I don't talk about it as it's annoying as heck and it's not because I want to be 'thin'-- it's because I purposely force myself to eat things that make me sick, for the sake of 'experimentation,' morbid curiosity, and frustration with the fact that my family buys such unhealthy food. However when I was younger, throwing away food was a horrible sin in my eyes, so I somehow decided that eating it all instead was a less damnable action? So the result is that I end up praying to throw up because of how toxic I make myself feel by forcibly ingesting all of that poison. It's landed me in the hospital once already, it's cost me far too many days and nights alike, and it keeps happening for some sickening reason.
I'm trying to choke down as much chamomile tea as I can right now in the hopes that it'll deaden these symptoms a little, but this is the second night in a row that I've effectively downed an energy shot at midnight because "hey, I wonder what it'll do?" I was actually excited about the idea of not eating and staying up for three days, to see if I would start having hallucinations. Something is very wrong with me.
Dude I do not feel good at all, it's actually scaring me. Let me get up and walk around for a few minutes, I feel incredibly nauseous again...

...okay I'm back. Still feel like utter garbage. I'm trying to smile-- still praying too, I've been doing so almost constantly since last night-- but I really wish I didn't have to be going through this nonsense again.
It's been rough. Disorienting, scary, and rough. I actually spent a good fifteen minutes cleaning the knife drawer the other day out of detached compulsion, and when I was finished I blankly wandered into the bathroom with one and as of today I have four new scars, yeah it sucks.
I'm still not sure if I want to sleep tonight, would you believe it? I don't know if I can safely last another 24 hours but darn it I'm willing to try. Ugh. I guess we'll find out.
If my vision goes back to normal soon I might idle the morning away watching MLP on Youtube, as I've been putting that off. Maybe typing, if my brain goes back to normal too. I don't even know. Usually I love this early-morning vagueness but when your body is shaking all over it kind of ruins the moment!
I wish I could throw up but I broke my reflexes years ago and now all I can manage is choking up spit for a half hour over the sink, eyes watering like crazy and stomach screaming. It's hellish, really.
I hope I re-read this tomorrow morning and remember to stop being an idiot when it comes to my health!! Seriously spinny, torture is not fun, stop being such a mad scientist. This isn't martyrdom, it's stupidity. You can't go from asceticism to hedonism and back within five minutes like you keep doing. It's not good for your nerves, to say the absolute least.

Spine is probably both ticked off and terrified right now, I am really sorry.

wow i kind of never want to eat again, that's how I feel, haha. feyajkfdhbeqaf. that is also how i feel. i wonder if roxy ever goes through this sort of thing. poor darling, you shouldn't, this is awful. hey dagger i hope you never suffer an iota of this in your life.
Would you believe i was actually considering calling the hospital earlier? I was actually wondering if being re-admitted to the psych ward was a good idea. Yeah, even after the horror of my first experience there!

I'm trying way too hard to be optimistic when really I kind of want to just scream and beg god to take this away from me somehow, right now, it's scaring me a heck of a lot. one hour down, too many to go.
heart still fluttering. still feel like puking.


all right to heck with this i am going to sleep because i can only pace around the living room for so long before it gets to me.
pray i wake up in the morning because i really wonder about that sometimes.
i'll probably delete this in the morning but in the meantime enjoy (?) the ugly side of my mind; i hope it packs its bags and gets the heck out of here pretty soon.