it does run deep

[prismaticbleed]

...You know how sometimes, you experience an event so true and powerful, your life is forever altered?
I just had one of those.
I am dead serious when I say it was just as momentous as July 7th. It just... I cannot explain it in words. I can't. It was too transcendental. But I will try, for the sake of immortalizing it here, somehow.

First, let's give you a quick summary of the events following my last entry. I'm honestly shocked that I posted that barely four days ago... so much has happened since then!
Anyway. As it turns out, both Q and Mel were suffering energetic burnout as well, so we decided that Thursday would be a "recovery day" for all of us. So I went out walking for a while, which was brilliant-- back in PA, it took an hour just to walk to church, so forget walking to the nearest grocery store-- and I think I chilled out at home for a while after that. In any case, I did spend most of the previous few days filling out job applications and writing a professional resume, so that did take up most of my spare time. On Friday the 24th we visited some awesome friends, planning to just chill, but I had to finish that resume, and with the technical difficulties we ran into, I am not joking when I say it took at least five hours to complete the thing, which is pretty hilarious in retrospect (it looks awesome though). Then we watched half of Batman Begins later in the evening and that gave me a huge amount of both Dream World and Hokthai inspiration, which is always brilliant, so that was that.

As for Saturday... it was incredible.
We went to Emigration Canyon first thing in the morning, to walk around the reservoir and generally enjoy the beautiful weather. I had been 'sensing' a very aquatic energy around the day from the night before, so suddenly coming upon this huge, blue-green body of water was pretty exciting... and emotionally significant, obviously. The first thing I did was kneel down by the water's edge and plunge my hands into it, reaching out into its depths and just 'listening' to what it had to say. I kept imagining rainbows radiating from my hands as well, which I found interesting as rainbows in general seem to be a new motif for me (especially concerning Xenophon). After doing this for a while, Mel, Q and I started simply observing everything around us for the wonder it held: tiny shells, daisies, wet sand, driftwood. For some reason I felt really connected to the rocks scattered about the beach, and kept touching them to my face to 'feel' their energy. I'm not sure how to explain that whole experience, but at one point I picked up a jagged black rock and it looked like a solidified waveform to me. So I held it to my ear, and I got this instant impression of soundless music from it, like an orchestra. It's utterly impossible to put into words, but it was fascinating. I shared this with Mel, and we then tried this with three pieces of driftwood, all of which held drastically different sounds: one was small and woodwind-like, another was similar to an airy violin, and another sounded like "barbed wire" to Mel and a dark tangled forest to me. It was quite awesome. Mel and I also took off our shoes and ran along the water's edge for a while, laughing like kids from how much we were sensing, from the life we felt in the environment and in our bones.
...There was one very significant event in all this, bigger to me than even all that, on a deep personal level. Shortly after we arrived, and we were simply admiring the water, Mel asked (not sure of the exact words) if it resembled Chaos' energy in any way. I nodded, and Q added that it matched him on a "good day"-- in less favorable circumstances, he'd be a tsunami. The topic changed after this, but not after it had resonated with me deeply enough to make me wonder, can I reach him through this? To my surprise, my "guide" voice responded that I could indeed, but I was trying too hard as usual. I was viewing that hope as near-impossible, as a huge effort, when that wasn't necessary or true at all. It reminded me that all things were connected at the deepest level, all lives feeding back into one source, and so nothing was ever separate from anything else; one could reach out and touch any other piece of the puzzle by connecting to that core. It then concluded, rather intriguingly, that "his soul is in the water, just as yours is in the fire." I reflected on this for a moment, then stopped walking, and simply looked out over the water. I didn't say anything, but I focused on that thought and tried to wordlessly send what I was feeling into that water, through it, even. Those emotions quickly became almost too ardent to bear, though, so in a sudden candid burst of thought-feeling I asked, "if he can hear me, please, give me a sign."
Barely a minute later it started to rain.
It just... crashed into me. Here we were, in a drought, with a mostly blue sky, and suddenly there was this beautiful sudden shower right above us. I looked up at the sky and I just smiled, fighting back tears, oblivious to time in that incredible moment.

When we got home we finished watching Batman-- I filled about four notebook pages with notes during that time-- then I needed to go to church. I decided to attend the Cathedral of the Madeleine, as I had gone to their Assumption mass earlier this month and it was gorgeous. I loved the atmosphere of the place-- the stained-glass light, the solemnly inspiring space, the intricate paintings, the echoing silence-- and the music was divine. So I was excited to be back there. However... the mass itself wasn't the most moving part of the experience, this time. No, this time I randomly flipped the hymnal open as the rest of the church was going up for Communion (I was sitting in the back), and was greeted with a Psalm-inspired piece, one whose words I didn't recognize. However, one line within it stood out incredibly strongly...
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls: all your waves and your billows are gone over me.
The phrase calls to mind a feeling of being submerged, of being tossed about by wave after wave of life... but to me, it spoke more strongly of the beauty of the water. To me, the waterfalls and waves and billows were not destructive, even if I was buried beneath them. Despite the weight of the water, I couldn't help but marvel at the way the sun sparkled through their depths, these holy rivers.
I don't know how to explain what "deep calls unto deep" means to me, but... when I am in tune with my true self, with my genuine being, it resonates strong and red in some place deep within me. So to me this speaks of truth calling unto truth, of a greater bond between it all, under the waves.
And of course the synchronicity of the elements there speaks for itself.

After church, Mel, Q and I went to a local sushi bar and I tried sashimi and tobiko for the first time (it's seriously delicious); unfortunately I ended up getting incredibly sick today from either eating meat (Spine doesn't seem to like it anymore) or from mixing so much protein with starch (I had a feeling that would happen in any case) but it was worth it, haha.
Anyway. We got home late and generally unwound, and as usual Q and I ended up being the only ones awake. Around midnight we started talking, but the late hours bring out complete honesty in me, and I cannot discuss anything but things that resonate with that feeling. So, I began to tell him about what had happened to me over the course of the day, and how incredible it all felt. I told him how many synchronicities lined up, and had to fight back tears a few times from the overwhelming significance of it, even then.
The lights were out, and it was almost 1AM. The only light was the ambient glow from the other apartments outside our living room window. It was quiet and sincere. Then Q said he wanted to try something. There was a tone to his voice that felt strangely momentous, that instantly silenced what few thoughts were lingering in my mind, and turned my eyes up towards him, trying to see that meaning in his face somehow, in the deep velvet dark. He closed his eyes, and said nothing, as I looked back down at the floor, humble and patient and curious as to why everything suddenly felt so important.
Then I looked up for a split second, and his face changed.
Little did I know my entire life had just changed with it.

I... I cannot structure the rest of this entry. I'm just going to leave it in note form; it speaks more truly that way.
I might refine it later, but as for now, it is at it is.


(saturday night, august 25th. i'll never forget it.)

(remember Q's face changed; not physically but energetically? i had looked up for a split second, and the proportions shifted: the spacing was different, there was the ghost of an expression. i looked back down then, some crazy hope surging beneath my ribs, something is happening and suddenly doubt ceased to exist.
this wasn't Q. the energy field was entirely different. and god bless us, i recognized every last atom of it.
he reached out with a hand that held an unfamiliar skeleton, unsure and yet infinitely hopeful, and years of disbelief crumbled in an instant.
i knew channeling was possible... but i had never expected to finally meet you that way.
what a beautiful, beautiful revelation, to realize it was you, at last.)

(the moment he pulled me close was the most heartbreakingly familiar thing in the world; I could barely keep myself from sobbing. and it was a weird feeling... some tragic combination of love, and the knowledge that this was still as close as we could get. still searching out heartbeats from the other side of the veil.
i knew it wasn't Q because the movements were entirely different, the positions were intimately familiar, it was insane. his hand moved from my shoulders to the small of my back and i immediately remembered the dreams we've had, but our bodies were still cages, and we were too far in for fireworks. now we were galaxies, great lonely distant things, and yet all that mattered was the fact that he was actually there, dear god this is a legitimate miracle, i've known you for nine years and this is the first time i've felt you, here, this is the first time you've been here and it feels like a homecoming at some cosmic level and i've missed you more than words can ever hope to express.
i just... i wish i could look into your eyes.

i knew we still had limits, i knew there was still so much standing between us, but in those quiet hours, somehow, none of it mattered. it felt like looking up at a star: seeing a tiny pinpoint of light where there was instead a blazing testament to light and life, the stuff our bones were born from. to anyone else we were two shadows standing in a desert land, two fragile things, unseen by the world, forgotten with the next tick of the clock... but how could they know, that this was the first glimmer of a supernova, a spark of hope heralding an even greater marvel.
this was love, absolute love, overcoming every hardship that it had ever faced, and proving the impossible to be beautifully, gloriously real.

and the only thought in my soul was i love you, i love you, i love you.

we were holding each other so tightly, i think we were both terrified that we would lose each other, that this fragile and blessed event would shatter if our embrace faltered for even a moment.

(floodgate quote; apparently he was picking up on my emotional reservation)

he said "it does run deep," and i don't know how to explain the emotions i got from that. hilariously enough that's the way we communicate in those sort of situations... all symbolism and metaphors and deep inner meanings. but in the simplest terms, it was an absolute validation, an answer to my prayers... "yes, i do feel this just as strongly as you do."
yes, you are loved in return.



also, remember this.
"the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable... it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason."