053112

[prismaticbleed]

I've felt unsettlingly frustrated and tired for the past 3 days or so. I've been crying too, which is rare.
I'm just... exhausted. I'm tired of feeling like I still have to fight to survive. I'm tired of money worries, and food concerns, and school bills, and televisions, and family disagreements... I'm so tired of it, it's reduced me to tears several times simply because I want to leave this behind, I want this to be over, but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do at this point.
I know there are steps I can take to ease this, which I will be starting... but I still feel lost, which I don't like.
I'm not trusting as much as I should be. Some part of me is clinging to this drama, as I apparently haven't let go of it entirely yet (if I had I wouldn't be writing this entry).
However I am making progress. Even in the midst of panic, I can 'shut off' that screaming ego now and be at peace. Even if it's only for a few minutes, I can do that now. It happened during a severe thunderstorm on Tuesday night, hail and all. I was out driving in it, completely calm and aware. It feels beautiful. The only 'problem' is the same one Huxley mentioned in Island... it's "the only temptation that God could succumb to." I keep finding myself standing at the edge of the void, looking down, wanting more than anything to jump into that blissful nothingness. I want out of this daily struggle. I want creativity, light, compassion, kindness, sincerity, freedom, joy... but that is already here too, I've just become so distracted by the other side of the dance, the darker side, which still has its purpose!
But in it, here, people still use each other, lie to each other, judge each other, fear each other. It feels toxic. It's poison. I'm tired.
That and I feel completely torn in half right now, confused without understanding why. I don't like that feeling.
I wake up in the morning, don't want to eat. So I forget to buy food, ignore the hunger pains, tell myself it's not needed. I don't want to sleep later that night, either, even if I'm too fatigued to walk straight or keep my eyes open, even if I want to dream more than anything. No food, no sleep... wouldn't that be great! But I don't know if that's possible for me yet, or right, or what. In the meantime, my indecision (impatience?) renders me lethargic and underweight, fading away into the nothing I so desperately reach for. Nothing and everything.

Resonance... resonance is huge. Remember this.

Geez... I need to clean this out of my soul. All of it.
I'm meditating but recently it's been all reassurance. "Stop worrying, there's a bigger plan." Maybe the big lesson here is trust? Maybe if I trust more, as I let go in love, the answers will make themselves known... right now I'm trying too hard, worrying too much, asking 'who has the right answers' when every source says I DO.
Ultimately I need to "get out of my own way." I'm still letting the ego talk, and even worse, I'm listening to it, even if it's unconscious. I need to step out of the picture and just be. But it's easier done than said! My mind keeps trying to 'define' it, and that's impossible.
I guess I don't trust myself, and that's the biggest problem here. Hm!
It's been playing havoc with my upstairs communication too. Love and honesty are there, but trust? Ironically not, if I'm doubting the reality of my other half whenever I see him... if I'm doubting MY reality too.
This is ridiculous! At least now I have a better idea of what I need to do at the moment. I knew this would help.

I can do this. I know I will get through this. We all will.


As for now I am going to sleep because whether I like it or not I can't stay awake much longer.
See you again soon.