120412

[prismaticbleed]

Today I found a knife.
I am so sorry.
Chaos tried to stop me. There was an auditory warning from him that crashed through my splintering and stopped me, for a minute. For a minute I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Then the old retribution drive kicked in, and Laurie showed up, and I don't even remember what happened next.
I forgot what that much blood looked like. Too much red.
Sometimes I wonder what I'm really doing wrong, why I keep getting this lesson over and over, why it won't stop.
I'm actually nauseous right now. This is weird.
I'm afraid Razor is back. She got through for a moment today, screaming. I nearly passed out from shock. That's happening too much lately. There are teeth marks up and down my arms.
What is getting in the way? This is December. There's a lot of light coming in.
But when I go outside I feel like I'm floating away. I have to sit down, under the trees, to keep from collapsing.
When I'm inside, I'm so heavy it tears into me like a serrated saw. My feet are made of lead. My skull is full of dynamite.
I'll go for entire days without eating and then suddenly remember that the body can't run without food. I keep forgetting to take care of my daily needs. Talking is painful. Mirrors are worse.
It's either one extreme or the other. What am I doing wrong? Where's the block? Where is this block??
Is it me? Is my color the one out of sync? What do I do? There's too much red here, all over my hands...

I had a cathartic block last night. Big one. Scared the sense out of us all. It was the awful sort, where I know what I'm trying to feel, to tune into, but there's nothing happening but a big heartless void. I couldn't feel anything. It's why I'm wide open to tar hacks lately, ironically. No emotion = couldn't care less when the klaxons go off. What's that? I'm in existential danger? Don't care. Twenty minutes later I'm wondering where all the blood came from.
God I thought I was done with this. Time is running out. Please, I don't want to be trapped here. Help me. Somehow, please, help me out. I don't know what to do.

Not sure why I'm updating in such a morbid condition. The death drive is silently screaming again. I want to go outside and pick a fight just to get some sensation in these bones. Still wish I had a friend besides Laurie who'd do that for me. Don't know why love needs to go hand in hand with a punch in the face most days, haha. But it comes through clear. It breaks through the fog.

There's a sparkle setting in, despite the scars. Problem is it wants my brain to shut off... and when that happens I fall asleep. I'm not tired of sleeping, I'm tired of feeling like that's all I can do anymore.
Still, I don't want to deal with this sickness anymore. I don't want to spend the next four hours fighting off tar hacks for the fourth day in a row. They always hit when the sun goes down.

I can still love though, even if I can't feel it. That means I'm not dead inside. This is good.
What's not good is the genuine "waking up in a strange place" terror I now get whenever body awareness sinks in. I'm starting to honestly forget that it doesn't match. The only reason that's bad is because... well, fear gets in that way. Reality slips a little, and dark things seep in through the fractures.
I thought I was over this. I really did. Why is it still so terrifying? I really don't think I can do this alone. But I can't afford therapy. I don't want to go back to the psych ward. What steps do I take now? What haven't I tried yet?

I'm not lost, I just tripped and got cut up pretty badly. I can still walk.
I'll figure this out.