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[prismaticbleed]

 

 

maybe it was midnight, maybe it was two in the morning, maybe time had ceased to exist. i had no way of knowing, the bedside clock existing in a different world than i, just as i existed in a different world than they.
i wasn't quite sure why i was watching his fingers run through her golden hair. they had to have asked for my presence, didn't they? i didn't remember saying yes. perhaps i hadn't.
nevertheless, his eyes were now focused on my own, displaying an emotion i neither recognized nor understood. i fought the urge to turn away, smiled awkwardly, saw his genuine response. tried not to cringe as he now cradled my face, the same hand that had touched hers.
it wasn't infidelity, this i knew. i posed no risk to either of them, despite their insistence that they be allowed to care for me, that i be a part of their family. whatever that meant.
he was smiling and touching and looking in a way that women my age would give anything for, and yet i was only a puppet: silent, responding only in pantomimes, in ways he had learned to expect.
his fingers entwined with mine and i fought the urge to run.
oh, i had nothing to fear. at least, that's what my common sense kept trying to tell me. instinct, however, and old wounds, screamed too loudly for that voice to carry very far.
he smiled, but now it flickered with shadows of doubt. this time my mirrored smile was genuine, except flickering with a hope that i realized too late would be misinterpreted.


the scars were shrieking.
love doesn't move like that.
he doesn't know, i desperately tried to reason.
yes he does.
my smile crumbled and i quickly looked down, shoving a primal terror back down into my gut. he may be blind to the truth, but i couldn't lie fast enough, and it hurt to be so dishonest.
his other hand lifted my face back to meet his gaze and i swore inwardly. no one could win, why was i even trying to compromise?

i remembered how lacquer-pink nails trailed through my hair as i sobbed, screamed, tried to reconcile the pain with the smile on her painted face.

he wouldn't let go of my hand.
i didn't dare show that i was terrified.