endeavor

[prismaticbleed]

Okay, putting all the books and art and music on hold.
I need to focus on emotional/spiritual healing and clearing right now. Today was a roller coaster in that respect but ultimately it allowed me to get a better grip on what I need to do.
What you get is what you give, and I've been somewhat off-kilter lately, which is making my days quite confusing. Nothing 'bad' is happening, at ALL-- but there are some 'shaky' moments, like getting sick or feeling lost, that are meant to tell me "hey dude, we've got a problem, fix it up!" more than anything. Those I need to pay attention to, because if I don't, they can drag me down. It's all about awareness.
But time is running out. I've known this since the year started; I've felt it in my bones. I've got 20 days left. Whatever is in me at the end of December is going to show up around me. For my sake and everyone's sake, I want to be the brightest I can possibly be at that point.

I've been praying about this for years. But that's something I learned from Bleach, too-- even if your goal is bright, don't let your progress toward it be motivated by fear! Don't think "I'm afraid I'll fail." Instead, think "I'm going to get there no matter what it takes!" Turn that feeling right around, and ride the light into the sun.

A LOT of my old pain was dragged back up to the surface today. I had a major dysphoria meltdown for most of the evening. However! I quite literally threw my hands up in surrender and went out to the porch to meditate for a while. Dude that helped SO much!
Honestly, I think most of my problems rise from the fact that I'm not 'present' all the time yet. So thoughts slip in that aren't mine, thoughts that are programmed in one way or another, and if I'm not paying attention they can snowball. But when I catch them, I recognize immediately that they are false, and I can immediately rise above them. So it's pretty amazing that I'm at that point. Just need to meditate more.

Hilariously enough, although I am mercilessly chopping every distraction out of my life right now, I think a Xanga session could be one of the most beneficial things I could possibly do. Did you know that, if I'm not 'myself,' I cannot connect to headspace? I knew today was uncentered because I barely heard from anyone. It's like I said on Tuesday: if your eyes aren't open, if you aren't 'tuned in,' you won't perceive it. So I need to keep that up. A session would help immensely towards that end, as I think a super-concentrated burst of upstairs luminosity is just what I need right now.


For immediate reference, let me write a quick list of the troubles I am aware still need to be cleared/ are sticking:

1. Feeling 'unworthy' to be around Chaos & Laurie in my current state. Cause: identifying with the physical, and my past mistakes. Stop it bro. There is nothing shameful about existing in a physical form. This is an ancient problem though and we might need extra help to put it to rest by the 21st. Just do your best.
2. Burying emotions, or being so confused by 'fragments' of them that I go mute. Cause: not being centered enough to let them simply move through. You are not your emotions, but negative ones are notifiers as to issues you haven't fully cleared yet. They are still important, so don't ignore them. Just observe them.
3. Dysphoria. Cause: identifying with the physical. You know the truth, and don't forget what you were told today either!
4. Feeling 'worthless' in the eyes of the world. Cause: expecting to fit the status quo. Don't. Work on this, and whatever you need will fall into place. Clarify your definitions, and remember that true 'worth' is inherent!
5. Doubt. Cause: old fears and labels. Let go of this one, gently. It's a tough one. Most importantly: reality is fluid, truth is paradoxical. Just let things be, and doubt will fade away.

We may or may not discuss those in a Xanga over the weekend; depends on whether or not I can solve 'em before I find a big enough timeslot to discuss this with Laurie. On that note, Leon has declared himself a permanent fixture in Central, as he holds the slot right under Laurie for heaven's sakes, and he feels his help is strongly needed right now. I trust him, so we're rolling with it. I'm very happy he's sticking around.

Trust is huge, though. Probably the biggest thing right now, all things considered, besides love itself. It's frequently the base for other virtues to spring from.
I need to trust in myself, AND I need to trust in God, that all is being taken care of for my highest good and the good of all. I WILL end up exactly where I need to be. I need to hold trust in my heart, and smile, and be grateful for every moment as I continue to walk onwards. Everything I need will come to me at the perfect time. I know this! Just need to keep my eyes open... just need to believe.

Two last things I need to remember: first is what I was told on the airplane, flying above the sleeping cities... "stay in your heart." Stay in your cathedral. Stand strong in your center... just got some html tag synchronicity right there too, nice one. But that's fitting. I'd be wise to format my own life in the same way... everything occurring within that word. I know I can do it. I know without a doubt that I can do it.
Second, and the note to close this entry on... this is NOT the turn of the final page. This is not an escape, or a reset, or a scratch. No, your challenge is to bring the world you dream of INTO this one. That's why you were put here... to be a light, not to burn out.
You're not going to die, but it IS still possible to be what you want to be, here! It is, dude, and you KNOW it. Don't go sticking expectations onto things. Look at the past two years, seriously. None of that was planned, and it turned out beautifully! The waves will carry you home, as long as you swim with them.
So hold on to that. Let that drive you, straight through into 2013. This story doesn't end. We're just beginning a new chapter, now.

Be patient. Be thankful. Be joyous. Trust always. Love always.
Follow your heart, and you'll never stray from the path you need to be on.

Currently listening to this and it is too gorgeous not to share, especially at this hour.
Also... I just took a marker to write "believe" on my right hand, so it will remind me every time I glance down... but I was concentrating so hard, I almost wrote the "e" before the "i." I caught myself and turned the half-e into an I, then immediately burst out laughing. It looks like Jack Frost's crook now! How perfect is that?

Have a beautiful night. Always remember to shine your light like the stars.