synchronize

[prismaticbleed]

...

...Houston, we have a problem.

The death drive is back. It's loud. It's scary.
I've had this ravenous metaphysical hunger for over a week now, day and night, agonizing and unrelenting. It's driving me out of my mind in a more literal sense than I like to acknowledge.
Paradoxically, I've also been starving myself. It's obvious, as I keep losing weight and I'm shivering nonstop in 90°F weather. But then my body freaks out because it has no energy and then one evening I end up eating so much I'm sick for two days. Rinse and repeat. I'm tired of always feeling like I have to vomit.
I feel like tearing my stomach out most days now. I have no want or need of food. But I'm so hungry.

There was one single moment when it disappeared, when I felt more complete and real than I have in months, but... I can't talk about that now. Not now, not in this state.
This must have been how Perfect Chaos felt. I'd consume the world just to abate this raging voracity, but I know that wouldn't help. It's not like that. How cruel.
My energy is still flowing the wrong way.

I feel so empty and cold.
I keep throwing her out. I can't seem to overcome this senseless loathing she brings out in me.
Why? Is that what they were trying to warn me about?

I'm hearing voices now. I can't tell if they're helpful or not.
Sometimes they guide me, quiet and caring. Sometimes they berate me, furious and insulting.
It's frightening to have them always talking. I miss the peace and quiet. I miss Laurie, God do I miss her.
Who are they? Why are they here? What do I do about this?

My life is finally unpaused, and in that instant it snapped forwards with the force of armageddon.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know if this is the 'right' decision.
All I know is that I don't want what I think I'm walking into. But I can't keep waiting around.
I'm still bleeding, somehow, despite the sparkles. The duality has deepened, before it can heal.

I'm rifling through knife drawers again, but disinterestedly, which is more unsettling than the maniacal desperation of the past.
Now I feel like the last man on earth, trusting so much in the possibility of a distant love-redeemed life that I'm willing to...
You have no idea how badly I want to wake up on the other side and just stay there.
I've been sleeping a lot lately. It's all I want to do.
That, or die.
Same thing really.
But I knew I was in trouble when I started wishing for a way out.


I'm not Johnny anymore. I'm not Estar anymore.
I want OUT of this.
I clearly remember when I used to feel like this and I NEVER want to go back to that.
I am so tired of the blood and pain already. Please. Make it stop.

And yet my fear of death has returned because I don't want to have to go through this all over again.
No, I don't want 'death.'
I want to go beyond.

I'm being patient but I'm getting desperate.
I hope that I'm making the right decision here.

Six more months... I'm sorry for rambling.
God give me strength.