battery low

[prismaticbleed]

So I've been in Utah for a week now, and I think I seriously need a break.

Mel went to classes around 1PM and just came back about 20 minutes ago. Q has been at work since noon. So, I've been alone for almost 4 hours. What did I do during that free time?
Absolutely nothing.
Now that Mel is back home, I'm actually somewhat frustrated, which strikes me as comical. I love them, don't get me wrong, but over the past 7 days I've been legitimately concerned about our overall 'energy' compatibility? On my end, not theirs, mind you.
Mel is loving and energetic and wise, and deeply empathic. They're full of brightness and are always working hard. As for me, I seem to be missing the 'energetic' part, at least in that context. I'd be completely happy if I did nothing but sit in the sunshine all day, nowhere to lie, but for me that would be a completely valid expression of my inner 'vibrancy,' as opposed to interacting with someone or something. See what I mean?
So having to talk to Mel and Q so frequently now is actually draining for me, and regrettably so, as I do enjoy speaking with them and I care about them very much. But, as I previously mentioned, it wears me right out... especially when Q comes home from work at night. Whoa man. I haven't been sleeping too well because of that (usually 10PM-12AM is my recuperation time, where I recharge my energy reserves, but I haven't been able to do that since moving so now I'm forced to stay up until ludicrously-late-o-clock). I have no idea how to bring up this topic to them both, but if this keeps up I think I'm going to have to just force it. I'm getting irritable and sick during the day, and I've noticed some startling passive-aggressive behaviors on my part as a result of just wanting to have some quiet alone time and not getting it.
Hm. I'm sure I can work something out with this. I think it's a challenge I'm being given, so I will continue to be grateful for it and keep my heart open to learn. I need to stay humble.

I'm currently trying to find a job, and there are a few desirable options available, but I keep hesitating to apply which is also the result of an old fear. I have learned that I can enjoy anything, and bring light into ANYTHING, if I only decide to do so! So the kind of job I get or don't get really isn't a factor there. However, environment is. I feel I should be discerning, because I can become energetically poisoned from stressful or poorly-focused environments and I don't want to 'force' myself to work a job like that for the money, and make myself spiritually ill. Still I should stop worrying about that so much, because I have been seeing my thoughts manifest lately, good and bad alike, and I should focus that energy on the light instead of letting it be wasted in negative ways.
On that note, I am very excited about a few of the potential job opportunities I've found, so I will begin to put my energy into that!

I took a big step last night, as I was led to it (after having been told to 'prepare' for it for a very long time now) and it felt like the right time to finally do so, so I'm very grateful for that whole situation. No details for you, haha. Not until it pans out, that is.
Also, speaking of steps. I want to start a Wordpress blog to keep track of my new life here in SLC for the sake of my family. I haven't called them in about four days and I really want to talk to them. I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning, before I go out on my wild excursion-- I seriously plan on walking at least sixteen blocks tomorrow to check out some of the local stores and things. I also want to buy fairy lights for my room if at all possible, haha. Make it downright magical in here! But yes, I plan on taking photos and putting them on the theoretical Wordpress afterwards for my family to enjoy. I might do that tonight, if I can figure out how to get it started, and if I have the time.

Lastly, I've noticed that I keep getting this nagging urge to "go back to PA," or at least I thought that's what it was. Then I caught it by the tail and asked it why. Why do you want to go back to PA? What is back there that you need so strongly? What is lacking here that you feel we need to escape?
I realized it's quite simple, but surprising: I want to go back to PA to see my family, to see the trees, to have the freedom and quiet-time of a car, to feel the rain, to have fresh water and air, to be able to see the stars when I look out the window at night... all little things, little important things. Then I wanted to leave Utah for the reasons mentioned previously (feeling oddly burnt out and almost false some days-- oh, and the suffocating heat). On the other hand, I didn't want to go back to PA because of the family troubles, the lack of a job and connections, the feeling trapped by routine... and I wanted to stay in Utah because here I at least have my own room, I have a vista of potential before me, and something keeps telling me that I "need to be here." So I trust that, above everything else, even if I don't understand it (geez I feel like Sage). Even so that's not the entire point. The point is that the urge to "leave" followed me from PA, and so I knew that if I did return to my hometown, within a week I'd want to be back in Salt Lake. Then I remembered how content I felt at the Denver airport, and it hit me. I just want to move!
Don't get me wrong, I love the cozy early-morning feeling I get when I'm just chilling at my computer and no one else is awake, but during the daytime I just keep feeling pushed to 'get out there.' Get moving, get working, get in the game... but not in a rabblement way. No, I want to step out into the streets and spread light to everyone I meet, somehow, some way. I want to hop a bus or train or plane and continue to do so on a massive scale if at all possible. But some part of me is scared, and I know exactly why. It's because I'm currently 'tied' to this new home situation. I feel obligated to stick to it, so I hesitate to even walk out the front door, and that poor decision on my part just makes me miserable, haha. But really, in Denver, I had no home for at least twelve hours. I was simply a dust mote in the sunbeam of life, and it felt absolutely divine. I wonder why I need such dramatic, absolute freedom? I'm not complaining at all, but it is interesting. I'll have to give some more thought to it.

Even so, right now I don't feel like doing anything much at all, except drawing/writing that is, but this overwhelming desire to just meditate for the rest of the day is trumping even that. I don't even have the energy to continue typing; it just doesn't feel like what I should be doing at the moment. So I will close this up for today and then do nothing (again), if possible.
I'll see you again soon.