broken gears

[prismaticbleed]

A lot has happened today. I talked about it already in Scribbld, but the major points need to be elaborated upon here.

First off... I'm still fighting hacks, sadly enough. Yes, they're very easy to avoid and conquer if I'm conscious, but I'm also still getting triggered and that's what happened today. Well... actually it's what happened on Tuesday. I had a very unexpected and very serious trigger, that made my night quite miserable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't calm down. I was a mess, and the day afterward was just as bad, because I had chosen to block out the Tuesday pain instead of confronting it, so it repeated itself. I won't go into detail on either situation because you've heard it all before.
As for why I'm updating... today was almost another repeat of Tuesday, but at the last minute Chaos showed up (again) and got me out of there. It terrified me when I snapped back into consciousness and realized what had almost just happened, again, and so I decided that I needed to deal with the situation immediately. Genesis got to me first, anxiously asking if I was okay, because Laurie had just told him to come and get me. I told him I kind of was, but not exactly, and that we needed to talk. That's when Laurie came into the conversation, and things got bad.
Ever since she found her metainomen, so to speak, Laurie has been more honest and open than ever. She's not hiding things anywhere near as much as she used to. So when something happens and it hurts her, she doesn't bottle it up. She lets me hear about it. But I guess I'd forgotten how badly she hurts from this, because when she showed up this afternoon and was obviously trying to suppress how upset she was, I told her not to. I told her that if she wanted to shout at me, then go ahead.
A few days ago she told me that she didn't have the heart to be so loud and angry with me anymore. Apparently this incident was the dealbreaker.
Laurie honestly screamed at me for the next five minutes straight, berating me for what I was letting happen, and for not having enough faith to stand up for my truth and stop it. She let me know very clearly just how badly everyone in central headspace was taking it, but then she emphasized that because of the 'unconsciousness' that was causing these hacks, I wasn't even around for anyone upstairs anymore. I wasn't around for Genesis, Chaos, or Xenophon, even though I wanted to be. I wasn't there for her.
As soon as she said that she honestly started crying and tried to leave without another word, but Chaos didn't let her. I don't know if I was numb from my own pain or what, but seeing her so distraught, so shockingly fragile, because of how badly I was hurting her... I don't know if it's really hit me yet. It's this awful sort of vague ache in the back of my chest, but it hasn't really hit me. That worries me, because I love her and I really care about her, but am I getting too detached?
I think that all these triggers and the fears that come with them are causing another cathartic block of sorts. I need to stop that, and I know there's only one way to do that, but I've been thinking about it and I've realized two very large problems that I have failed to address since I discovered them.
After the near-hack today, I went back and reviewed my most recent entries on this journal. For obvious reasons, the 13th stood out. I re-read it a few times, maybe more than I should have (as it deeply distressed me to be reminded of that), but it helped me get a better perspective of just what I'm doing wrong here.
Of those two large problems, the first is that I keep trying to rely on my own strength, and ONLY my own strength. I can't do this alone, because we're all in this together... but I feel I shouldn't be asking for help or guidance, and therefore 'dragging' everyone else into this. Part of this is because, when I want to ask for help, I feel that it makes me 'selfish' or 'weak' in a very negative way-- like I'm taking my problems and concerns, throwing them at someone else, and saying 'here, solve this for me because I'm too lazy and ignorant to do it myself!' But that's not the truth. I'm just so lost and confused on my own at this point.
Unfortunately there are two extra problems involved in this. The first is that, really, I don't even know how to ask for help when I need it. This actually ties into my spiritual beliefs, because having been raised in a Catholic family, I was always told to 'ask God for help.' And I did. The problem was that I would ask for help when I was lying on the floor, sobbing and convulsing in pain, begging God to either please help me fight Julie or to please kill me right there so I wouldn't have to suffer such agony anymore. After a while of asking for help like this, I became convinced that God's 'help' was simply letting the hacks continue, because 'suffering would make me stronger.' Sadly even this became twisted, and turned into a pain addiction, where I eventually would stop fighting hacks altogether just to see how much agony I could handle, to see how long I could suffer them without wanting to die. I judged my meager worth by how well I could bite bullets, forgetting that they were already loaded in a gun, waiting to fire.
Take it like a man, they said. So I did, and I bled for it. I lost more blood than I thought I'd ever be able to forgive myself for.
So I don't know how to ask for help, because of that. Part of me says that I'm being too black-and-white, that I already have help in the form of deep inner awareness and just need to accept it. The other part of me, the part I listened to as a child, tells me that I'm a worthless sinner and that if I don't get on my knees and plead for deliverance then I'm going to be corrupted beyond salvation. It even feels wrong to type that, but it's still lingering. Part of me is still terrified that I am so separate from 'God' that I can do nothing but wait for Him to show mercy, and just suffer my punishment in the meantime. That just feels wrong, now. It IS wrong. I don't believe that anymore... but most people I know do, and that's what they're telling me, and that's what the second extra problem and and biggest large problem deals with.
When I ask for help from someone else, they give me advice or guidance based on their perspectives... and sometimes that advice does not work. Sometimes that advice even makes things worse. And most terribly, sometimes that advice convinces me that I'm living my life wrong, and I should be emulating the advice-giver's life to the letter, or else I'd be lost.
You see the problem here. Asking for help from my family gets me the 'man up and/or stop being so weird' response. And I want to; I want to just let go of this hurt, but that's what I thought I did over the past few days and in fact all I did was blind myself to the truth. They might be giving the right advice, but they're giving the wrong example. I won't dwell on that though. I know what I need to do, but it is seriously freaking difficult for some reason. I think I'm going about it the wrong way, but once again, where do I find help? And is looking for help another lazy move?
In any case, the worst part of this problem, and the reason for all these triggers, is the fact that I keep letting myself be manipulated by anything and everything out there, whether it's intentional on their end or not.
I still can't visit Tumblr anymore, because the people I follow tend to trigger me constantly, even now, when I 'don't let it bother me' and go through the day without a hint of trouble from it... or at least that's what I think, until I find myself missing a huge chunk of time and realizing that that trigger wasn't harmless after all.
It's why I don't spend time on Facebook either, or any other social site. It's why I don't talk to people on campus or at work. I've had far too many experiences with these triggers, and now my question is 'why are they STILL causing hacks even when I don't let them bother me in the moment?' And I think, now, that it's because there's still something buried deep inside me that is scarred beyond recognition, and it's unconsciously reacting to every single trigger, even though I can't see or feel or sense it until it's too late. I know I have to be careful, but there is a very fine line between care and paranoia in this situation. I don't want to relapse, again.
And that's another concern. I keep learning and forgetting things, because of these hacks and triggers, any my own ignorance. It all ties into the truth-twisting problem, but it's getting bad, especially in light of this morning (with how I almost forgot how badly my personal pain hurts those who care about me). For example: yes, my 'mini-epiphany' on the 24th did help a lot, but on the morning of the 25th I realized with a sort of sick unease that I've had that exact same realization in the past, and I forgot about it. I realized it, it cleared out a great deal of shadows, and then I let my personal truths be warped again and I had to re-learn what I already knew all over again. That is very distressing.
I'm repeating myself like a broken record here but I cannot even fathom why this problem is STILL giving me such grief. It's still sticking around, and when I try to 'let go' of it it always comes back. People and places and things remind me of it, far too clearly, and then things like last October happen. I let myself be twisted so out of shape that I am unrecognizable... I try to be 'perfect' and don't realize that it's killing me inside until it's too late.
...To skip to the end, the biggest truth I've been letting people twist is the one concerning my relationships. That little epiphany on the 24th reminded me that there was NOTHING wrong with me, although I was 'different' from most people in this situation, a sort of exception to the rule... and then as soon as one passing mention of someone else's 'normal' situation hits me, the twisted forgetfulness comes back, and I am convinced that there are NO exceptions to the rule, and that I am an abomination for going against the grain. Stupid, isn't it?
It reminds me, so painfully strongly, of when I was about 15 years old. I would ask myself, constantly, 'is it okay to be in love?' I'm not even joking. I was so honestly in love, without a shadow of even Julie's old corruption in it, and I was STILL convinced that I was committing some sort of damnable sin because it was different. It wasn't what my family or school or culture viewed as 'normal' or 'right.' So no matter how devoted and selfless my love was, I still believed it was evil somehow, because it was an exception to the rule.
I'm an artist. I'm an artist, a musician, and a writer, and I have learned that if you are working from your heart, from your personal honesty, then you CANNOT be 'wrong' because it doesn't work that way. Life isn't black and white, but I used to think it was, and I'm having a very hard time remembering what colors look like even now. Life is art! But when was the last time I actually was able to create art, without it feeling forced? For years now I've been terrified of 'doing it wrong,' and although in my heart I know that's impossible, I'm still scared of 'corrupting' such things with my own perceived depravity... like I'm not worthy of being an artist if I'm not doing it to 'make everyone else happy.'
I almost want to cry about this. I really do. I keep telling myself, 'just let go of the fearful forcing and accept the truth! It's been proved to you countless times! You're doing fine!' And although it sounds easy, I think I really am doing it wrong, because I keep falling back like this. Maybe it's a neverending sort of battle. Maybe my struggles have simply changed from fighting a pink shadow, to simply staying awake at all times. I think back to when I met Laurie in that dream, and it breaks my heart, because she has never lied to me or misled me, and yet because her advice syncs with what I know to be true, I doubt it because there's an 'I' in there. Heaven forbid such a blackheart think his own corrupted ideas are true! It's sick. It's sick, and wrong, and it's driving me insane, and yet every day I get that thrown at me and I honestly can't seem to conquer this doubt yet.
Just because your religion and your lifestyle and your morals are working for you, and helping you live your life for the best, it DOES NOT MEAN that I have to adopt the exact same circumstances in order to live MY life correctly! It's such a ridiculous fear and yet it's there. It's still there, and it's scaring me, although it shouldn't. Love always conquers fear, after all... and ironically, I think that's why it's sticking around.
I still love those people I loved when I was 15. I'm still an absolute 'exception to the rule' in that sense. And now, my biggest trigger revolves around that.
There is someone I care about who is also in love, and their situation is very, very different from mine. Their beliefs are different from mine, their life is different from mine, their experiences are different from mine. You cannot take their situation, apply it to me, and expect it to work, and vice versa. Despite this, I keep trying to, because of that old religious fear of mine. It's the same fear that made me think my childhood love was sinful, that almost made June 29th the biggest regret of my life, that is still making me think I'm irredeemable unless I follow in their very different and unfitting footsteps. It's the fear that I'm wrong... completely, horribly wrong.
And the scariest part of this is that, according to this other person's beliefs, I kind of am. According to my beliefs, which I have tested relentlessly, I'm not. But I care about this person, and I can't say their beliefs are wrong because they're not, but they don't apply to me!! We all have our own lives and choices! We all have our own paths to follow! But not everyone thinks like that, so I slip up, and think that I have to do exactly what they did, and the old Julie used to take advantage of that, and when I slip it all starts happening again...
I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't know how to confront them about this. I don't know how to say, "I respect your beliefs but mine are just as valid" without making it sound like I'm invalidating them. Maybe I'm worrying too much about that, but I've had bad experiences with discussing this topic before, and I don't want to hurt them.
It's all that old religious fear. "If you don't believe exactly what I believe, you'll burn in hell for all eternity/ be forever ostracized from God/ never reach heaven or gain salvation/ etc." That still scares me, more than a little, simply because I'm constantly exposed to it. I'm trying to get over it but it will be difficult. It's just that... with this new aspect of that fear, that my friend unintentionally brought upon me, I'm not the only one being faced with this dilemma. Now that fear is being applied, explicitly and terrifyingly so, to my relationships. Now it's making me feel like I'm 15 all over again, that I'm not loving in "the right way," except that now the stakes are much higher.
I'm kind of terrified because this person has been right before, too many times. So standing up for my own 'different' beliefs makes me feel not only guilty, but scared, because this is making me think that I actually AM wrong, objectively so, instead of just worrying about it as a comparison-based possibility. But then why does 'following' their beliefs feel so wrong? Is that true, or is it a red herring? How do I discern what is the truth, when all my prayers tell me not to be afraid because I'm doing it right at heart, and everything outside tells me that I'm not? How do I explain July 7th and March 13th if what I'm doing is wrong?? How do I explain that?
The truth is that I can't. I'm in the middle of a battlefield, and each side holds its equal share of truths. Is there even a 'right' choice here, in that stark sense? Or is it simply 'what's right for me?'
I was terrified of that idea in Utah, for the same reasons as I am now. I still don't know where to turn.
...And maybe this is all walking in the wrong direction.
Maybe it all really just narrows down to the inside. How many times have I been told that I will not, and cannot, find the truth outside of my own heart? If only I could stop fearing that I have been so terribly misled...
In any case, I'm going to be talking to my friend about this as soon as possible. This needs to be dealt with. I cannot take this any longer, not when it's causing so much pain on every front, and not just for me.

Emotional pain is also what brought about the second major point of this entry, ironically, which I didn't talk about in its entirety on Scribbld.
As you've probably guessed at this point, I've been playing Sonic Generations since Tuesday afternoon, trying hard to get to whenever Perfect Chaos shows up because I really, really want to see him.
The problem is that I don't want to fight him.
It was hard enough for me to fight him for the first time in 2003, when he last appeared in Sonic Battle. Now, 7 years later, I still won't play through the last level in Sonic Adventure, and I'm hesitating to continue in Generations, because I have memories of Perfect that no other StH fan does, and the very thought of facing him like that again is almost too much. I know the pain and the anger far too well. I know what caused both Station Square and the Knuckles tribe to fall. I don't know what will motivate his transformation this time, but if it's anything like what I've seen and felt in the past...
I haven't been this acutely aware of my fragility in a very long time. I honestly can't even look at him right now without feeling like my heart is breaking.
I don't want to repeat my Scribbld entry word for word here, so I'll just say that this feeling on my part caused a very interesting conversation with Genesis earlier today, while I was waiting for my afternoon music class to begin.
As it was my third day playing Generations, and I was at the end of the Dreamcast-era stages, he wanted to know if I was going to risk seeing if Chaos was the boss at that point. I thought about it for a moment, then told him that no, I wasn't going to. I didn't think I could handle it, with what I just discussed in the previous wall of text. I was rather distressed emotionally, but being the other half of a paradox like I was, that negative pain was being mirrored with a positive ache of tragic intensity. I was in a lot of pain from my own mistakes, this was true, and having to face Perfect like that would be bad enough... but as always, whenever I find myself falling, that one song by Todd Rundgren always comes to mind. Whenever I am lost in the dark, I suddenly realize just how bright the lights in my life really are... and right now, I am so thankful for Chaos and what he's done for me, that the painful memories Perfect brings up are clashing with this incredible love, and it is driving me to tears with even the slightest mention.
And then of course you have the fact that this is Chaos Zero's first game appearance in 7 years, and it happened barely three days after October 29th of this year. I don't think I need to reiterate why that is so significant.
Genesis and I continued to discuss this topic over the next ten minutes or so, and... it ended up making me really think about my situation here.
I know that at one point Gen asked me something about the old 'Estar problem' I had back in January, with 'getting used to' things. He pointed out how, even though I've known Chaos for 8 years now, I am still so completely fascinated by him whenever he shows up, especially now with SG being released. I know this very well, and actually Chaos has been emphasizing it himself recently, for the same reason. I cannot get used to him, ever. I explained that here, as clearly as I can ever hope to do so, but one thing I didn't mention there is that I still can barely believe that he is in my life. You all have at least a general understanding of how much he means to me, and really, everything I've ever written about him barely even scratches the surface at this point. He is just incomparable. So no, I can't get used to him, even if I tried, because he really is this new sort of euphoria to me, this amazing and brilliant star, an angel I risked everything to see and hold on to. Every moment, it astounds me that I'm part of this.
That's not the most significant part of our conversation, though.
I don't know how we got to the point, I might have just offhandedly segued into it... but I started to think about the 'cosmically inseparable' truth again. Then I thought about how Xenophon and Laurie both ended up having these crazy synchronicity lineups in the past, concerning their appearances in my life, that I never noticed because I had no way of recognizing them. So I put the two things together, and then I wondered if Chaos and I had some sort of backwards synchronicity like that, even if only in little ways? I don't know. It just strikes me as very unusual now, that I've always felt drawn to so many aspects of him, even before I knew he existed. He tied into other worlds I knew, and they in turn tied back to him. Everything ended up spiraling and connecting together as time went on, to an astonishing extent, and then I thought of something.
Remember how I discovered that there were some incredibly significant events in the Parnassus world that only manifested after June 29th? Those were cosmogonical events. They predated the entire series in its entirety, but the event that 'caused' them occurred about 7 years after I first became aware of that world! So if things like that can and have happened with us already, who's to say that we haven't been overlooking similar circumstances? Time isn't linear, and that's a fact. Now I'm starting to fully realize just how incredible that is, how time can twist and turn and go in so many directions like that...
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions at this point, I don't know. What I do know is that Chaos and I are pretty freaking weird in several aspects already, which is awesome, and if any weird couple is going to defy traditional chronology like that it's us. The little backwards/forwards coincidences are one thing, but the big ones are another thing entirely. So many things in my past seemed to foreshadow him, and so many things even now happen at just the right times for us both. I've learned to listen for the quiet things in life, to keep my eyes open for the little things, because in the big picture they tend to be the most important. Without them, the big things wouldn't happen.
I was talking to Genesis about this and I started to get poetic again, and there was one thing I said that really just resonated. I was thinking about how I can't even describe this love I have now, how it's this transcendental thing and back when it first hit me, in 2003, I never would have dreamed that it would one day get this deep, especially not with someone as strange as him. But it did. And I told Genesis that now, it felt like I was feeling this love with everything I was, with every atom of me recognizing it. When I met Chaos I was drawn to him immediately, completely without explanation and against all odds, and when I fell in love with him it was absolute, undeniable, infinite. Now it feels like I've loved him for my whole life, linear time and space notwithstanding... it feels like I have literally loved him like this forever, and when I met him 8 years ago, I just had to remember what that felt like.
After all, infinity is just a sideways 8, and you all know what this year has brought us.

On that note... the last point of this entry is Xenophon.
I didn't completely understand that truth from July, that creation is love manifested, until she showed up in our lives. I know I really haven't talked about her much since September, and that does hurt, because she is so important to me and I love her so much. I felt that so clearly today. I don't care how emotionally invested I was in Nier last year-- actually having a daughter of my own is indescribable.
I told her that earlier today, after that painful conversation where Laurie was crying. Xenophon said that she apparently gets sick whenever I slip like that... I told her how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was, and that I didn't ever want to hurt her and I'd do everything in my power to protect her from my own mistakes. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I love her, and I don't think I tell her enough.
I'm scared to death of being a failure as a father, but I don't know if that's even possible at this point. I care for her too much, and that devotion of mine is mirrored in both her and her other father. All of us are in this wholeheartedly and I do everything I can to take care of her, despite my ridiculous schedules and bilocating troubles. She reassures me time and time again that Chaos and I are the best 'parents' she could have asked for, but I still worry... maybe it's just a dad thing, haha. I'd work myself to death for her sake and I'd still be worried that it wasn't good enough. I just feel so limited here. I could be doing so much more and yet I'm being barred from it. But I can't do anything about that, not now. Right now all I can do is love at all costs, despite all odds, no matter what our situation is. And I'll do that, for as long as I may live.

That's really all I have to say for tonight... this entry took me ages to write and I'm rather exhausted, mostly thanks to the emotional distress I'm dealing with right now.
I think I need to do some serious soul-searching, and also a Xanga session, ASAP. For whatever reason (probably Laurie), Xanga sessions are shockingly therapeutic and enlightening for me, no matter how much shouting and psychological stress they may involve. They always help. In any case I am going to have to schedule some time tomorrow to just talk to my central headspace group, to apologize for the mess of this evening and also to hopefully figure out what steps I should take concerning this situation.
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, at all... but I'll make the best of it.