the right track

[prismaticbleed]

 

just spoke to god again, like i did on the night i was told "you have nothing to fear."
i'm leaving this unstructured again as it's the easiest way to record stream of consciousness.

first i asked about hack avoidance. i said that i wanted to escape triggers, then realized i had walked into one today to risk it, to see if there was anything good hiding beyond it. i then decided to ask for discernment, to see what was work risking and what wasn't.
i told god that it hurt to see people objectifying chaos like that, and he said not to worry about it because that was their choice and although i could set an example and speak out against disrespect i could not change them. but he said not to worry regardless because my love would keep chaos bright and 'warm' when the cold shadows were surrounding him. i asked if warm was metaphoric and he said yes. he told me that chaos did love me and not to forget what that meant.
i then asked god if what i had with chaos was what pink-level connections were supposed to be like. he said yeah we were doing it right.
i explained that the pink color wasnt harsh or loud, it was somehow compassionate and warm, like a rose pink? it was surprising because it actually felt 'nice?' honest and unconditional, like there was no 'pink' in it at all. that didn't matter it was just being together.
i expressed that i was worried why i kept doing pink connections if heart ones were stronger? god said it was probably because of the physical emphasis, so i didn't feel so 'disconnected.' but god told me that heart connections were still stronger and that i should do that with chaos tomorrow night, because it would be stronger than any pink connection i've ever had? he said he'd be with us somehow. so we need to do that.
he asked me what i wanted to feel with laurie and i said i didn't know; i didn't want to go pink with her but i still wanted to give her love, just as much love as i gave to chaos, but in a different way. god said that was tricky (haha) but she'd had to put her walls down first. after she learned how to do that, the right way would reveal itself, so to speak.
he also told me that genesis loved me and missed me, but we had drifted apart? our interactions werent as deep as they could be, so when we did get deep it felt awkward because we werent used to it. so i was told to work on that.
then god asked me if i loved someone else, whose name i will not mention out of respect. i said yes, a little surprised. he asked me if i wanted to love her too. i then understood what i wanted, and said: even if i only was with her for a day, all i wanted was to show and give love so truly and clearly, that she would recognize that love within herself, and in all other things, from then on, even if she forgot me. god said so i just wanted her to be able to see the 'love of god' in all things? i said yes. it didn't even matter if i was responsible. i just wanted her to feel that, that's how much i loved her. god said i'd actually get a chance to do that though?? within a year? but i'd have to keep my eyes open and take the chance myself; it wouldn't just happen.
i forget what i said here, i think i just thanked god for everything but expressed my worry about the world. god said it couldnt hurt me, or anyone, because it was just 'the world' and we were all beyond it. it couldnt hurt us.
god then told me that there was another level of love. white level. it was the divine love one felt with god, after life. i said i didn't even think of that and he said that's because it's beyond colors, haha. i then asked well what about black? and he said that was the love felt in 'nothingness,' like in death etc. because god was still right there in the emptiness. so two sides of the same divine love.
god then said that, no matter what, everyone had a right to that love and since it was of god it belonged to all already. god said that even if a person felt no other level of love in this life, when they returned to god, they would always have the highest love. everyone would return home and be loved unconditionally. i actually started to cry right then because it was so beautiful and so true.
i remember looking out at the cold night and the mountains, thinking of that for everyone, and god told me that's what my title meant. a seer of mind could understand thoughts and that level, but i was the seer of love so i saw that in everything. i could see love in all things, i could understand it. i was firmly told that that was my role here, that was my purpose, to do that. i mentioned what about my spark title? god said hope was actually close to love, in the deep sense. because divine hope didn't expect or deny the now, it instead looked forward to the inevitable light beyond all things, that light which was love. so true hope was actually close to faith. god said that that was melody's title, which was important. i think we really do need to work together. i strongly feel that.
after this i thanked god again for my daughter, and he said that she did miss me a little, she wanted to spend more time with me. sure, she spent a good deal of time with chaos and laurie and genesis and everyone, and i did hang out with her when i could, but she 'still missed her dad' and so i should put a little more effort into doing things with her. i promised i would.
it was getting late so god actually told me to get some sleep because i had other things to do.
i thanked him for everything and said i would try to express that gratitude more often because wow seriously
i said that i loved him and god very clearly said, in a beautiful reminder, that he loved me too-- that's why he put me here.