don't lose yourself

[prismaticbleed]

Chaos said something to me last night, and I think it saved me on a very real level.

"No matter how many names or faces you have, no matter how many worlds and times you live in, you are still you. I am still me. And we are still us."

...

Isn't it funny how that is actually a concern of mine?
I have become so tangled up in time and space that, every once in a while, I worry that I am losing who I am.
But I can't. That's impossible, and he knows it. Heck, I know it at heart, without a shadow of a doubt. He and I are cosmically inseparable for heaven's sake! In that truth both he and I know EXACTLY who we are, and since that night in July I have been unable to forget it. I'll never forget who I am again.
But I become blinded to it.
In this world it's tough. Even my therapist, who is normally quite helpful, has told me that "you need a mask, a false self, to survive in this world." And I flat-out refused. I'm sorry, but that is something I cannot and will not do.
I've done it before, in the past. I know this. It is the single fatal mistake beneath all my scars.
...I can't lose sight of this truth anymore. I know who I am, more than ever. And I know that what and who I am is ineffable, incorruptible. My problem is that I've been in this world for so long, trying to survive amidst all these masks, that even though I try to stay clear in spite of it I have still doubted where I came from. Even after I was sent an angel, some wretched part of me wonders if I'm really worth all of this. It wonders if I'm really on the right track. And although I am told that I am, countless times, unquestionably so, that horrible doubt still lingers somehow...

...I've been thinking about Laurie a lot lately.
A week ago, my mind tried to 'categorize' my relationship with her. It tried to intellectualize and label it.
Laurie found out, and she lost it.
I haven't seen her that hurt in my life. It scared me, it really did. It wasn't until she confronted me about it that I realized just how dangerous that compartmentalizing of love was. If you take something like love, or creativity, or faith, and try to shove it in a little box, or define it in cold logical language, you kill it.
She berated me for doing that, not just to her but to everyone, myself included, without even consciously realizing it. I sputtered an apology but she stormed off, saying nothing but that I had better get my act together or else.
I didn't see her for almost two days after that, and she wouldn't talk to me. She hasn't said much to me since then, save this morning, but we'll get to that.
That strange, pained silence of hers hurt me terribly. Even worse, I had a dream on Friday that reminded me just how much she meant to me in an absolute sense, and when I woke up from that dream I loved her so much I actually cried. I love her, terribly so, and my mind had the nerve to try to cut that up!
I told her about that, but she didn't want to talk yet. This morning she did speak with all of us as a group, but something about that stood out in an upsetting way. I was doing zodiac research at the time-- which was interesting because I act far more like a Pisces or Gemini than a Taurus-- and we stumbled across a Virgo profile (Laurie's sign) that was shockingly accurate for her. But she didn't want us to read it. She started getting somewhat angry with me when I did so, and was acting quite closed off the entire time, not wanting to discuss or say anything. And I realized that she was going back to how she used to act long before Julie joined us. She was starting to put up walls again, to keep herself from being damaged, but this time I don't know what her motives are. And I am terrified that she is putting those walls up to keep me out.
...
She has scars because of me.
She has awful, bloody scars, all over her body, because of me. Because she chose to protect me and I was too blind to protect her. She bleeds for my mistakes. She hides her battle wounds and never mentions them, but I know they're there. I've seen them, once. That was enough.
Then there was the night she tried to kill herself. I can't think about that without wanting to break down in tears. Feeling her blood on my hands was too much.
I honestly feel like sobbing over her right now. Honestly, I adore her, and I swear if I don't get to talk to her within the next 24 hours I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I spoke to Ryou and Marik this morning too, for a very amusing reason. Somehow my anniversary with Chaos fell on a Friday this year (dueling days), and Marik heard about it. So he's definitely planning something to cause even more shenanigans, to say the least!
However that's a distant concern and it's not that important in the long run. The most important thing is that, today, I told Ryou and Marik that from now on they are considered to be on active duty within headspace-- as in, I expect to see them around as often as possible. To my surprise they were both absolutely thrilled at this, and jokingly asked why it took me so long to ask. Really, back around 2004 it was just them, Chaos, and myself, and it was awesome. We have such brilliant memories together. So I guess it's time to start that anew.

Genesis spent almost the entire day with me today. I'm very thankful for that, as he is not only an invaluable help in keeping me from losing track of myself, but he keeps me optimistic which I really need in tough times like this! He also helps me conquer fear, especially the self-doubting kind, which I appreciate more than I can say.
Oh, and he told me that Xenophon will hopefully be able to ghost by the end of the week, as she's not having any real difficulties at all with the concepts (thank God for childhood understanding!). I asked Genesis if he thought she'd be ready by Wednesday, and he said he wasn't sure but he'd ask her, and see what we could do.
I want to spend Wednesday out of the house, if possible. There's a church in a nearby city that I used to play piano at as a kid, and in the autumn it is so incredibly gorgeous... I want her to see it.
I went outside tonight, and the sky had a thin layer of clouds and a nearly-full moon, with a rainbow haze around it. It was so beautiful... and as I was standing there in the silence, looking up, I got such a surge of compassion and pain because I wanted her to be there with me, to experience such moments of beauty in this world, and yet she wasn't there.
But she will be soon. Even if she can only be with me for ten minutes, and even if she can't be here completely, she will be here still.

Genesis says he's trying to teach Chaos and Laurie how to do that too, but they're apparently holding back a little.
Chaos doesn't want to leave Xenophon alone and he doesn't want to cause me any heavy stress, as I still get bad dysphoria and I'm still not entirely comfortable being around Genesis in this form (and he's been ghosting with me for over 6 years now). As for Laurie, I don't think she wants to leave headspace. She's such a hardcore knight. But I'll talk to Josephina and Julie about it, maybe. I want to get our group working well again so that we won't have to worry so much. Why do we worry so much? And I don't want Laurie to feel that she has the world on her shoulders. I love her for caring so much, but seriously, she needs a break from all of that stress. She really does.

I talked to Xenophon alone for almost twenty minutes this morning, which was beautiful. She is so adorable, and I cannot get over how clearly she understands things. I guess it's because this life hasn't clouded her vision like it has mine-- and I NEVER want it hurting her like that-- but in any case it is amazing. Talking to her helps me so much, which is funny really, because I'm trying to help her at the same time.
I am so thankful for her. Words can never express, and I won't damage this by trying. She is such a light in my life.
When she tells me that everything will be okay, and for me not to worry because I'm a great father even if I don't think I am, I actually believe it. Do you know why?
Because the shadows can't get to me when I'm around her either.

Both Chaos and Xenophon have been absolute angels to me over the past few days. (They always are, but it deserves some serious gratitude lately.)
Still... even if Xenophon is being incredibly patient with me, I know I'm worrying her terribly. Chaos even told me that she would definitely put herself in danger (even if she didn't realize it) to help me out. And he didn't want that happening to her, so I had better pull myself together. I can't forget that. And I can't forget the pain I felt from him in those words either.
...I didn't mention this when it happened, because it hurt terribly, but... you know, let me backtrack a little.
Ever since Xenophon became a permanent and irreplaceable member of our family up here, it has been frighteningly difficult for me to stay 'stable' when I'm with Chaos. Seeing as how my stress levels have also been going up for the first time in a long time, I think there is definitely a larger force behind this. But we're working on that.
In any case, for about two or three weeks after September 16th (which was an incredible day), we weren't able to spend much time together at all. Every time I tried I would either start phasing out, or I would be too unstable to even show up or stay for more than a minute or so. Now that hurt me a lot, don't get me wrong, but Chaos is far more emotional than I am. After that long with almost no real closeness, in light of everything that was happening to us, he was taking it very, very badly. So one night at the beginning of this month, when I somehow managed to get stable enough to at least stay conscious in headspace, he absolutely broke down.
...Chaos is more fragile than he lets on. He bottles things up and if he can't express them, he can't deal with it. So with all the stress he's been under because of me, not being able to talk to me or even be with me for so long was far more than he could handle.
I honestly think he just held me and cried for about ten minutes. Even thinking about that now hurts so much.
I really don't know what to do about this right now. I'm trying hard to stabilize myself, because for some reason I keep regressing and having bad days like this, but I don't want him or anyone else to be hurting in the meantime. They're top priority too. And the sickest part is that I don't even NEED to 'stabilize' myself! I just need to BE. Even after hacks-- yes, even after such horrible things-- I can feel that! My mind starts freaking out and sobbing and dwelling on the past and stirring up more pain... and at the same time, my heart is quiet, telling me that these trials don't change who I am, and that I need to learn from them and move on, not letting them happen again, without letting them damage me. That is my voice, that is me. But staying calm and holding on to peace while my mind and the world are both screaming at me from every side can be very difficult.

...Laurie told me this morning that I need to be far more mindful. She told me that I don't give myself nearly enough credit in terms of what I can do, and that if I don't recognize and respect myself and my own abilities, they can be used against me. I need to be conscious and present, always.
Genesis is helping me with that too, although I can't tell you how many times he's showed up with the words "Laurie sent me." She is deeply concerned about this, and with good reason. I am too. This is definitely my biggest trial... staying aware and awake, staying real.
No matter how many worlds I may live in, I am still me... I don't know how I never thought about that before. I'll have to keep saying that to myself, to keep me grounded.

I've been feeling very 'disconnected' from headspace since September, actually. Maybe that's the biggest focus here.
I noticed it very clearly when talking to Xenophon today, and realized with a shock that I couldn't see her eyes clearly. She told me that I wasn't 'paying attention to being there,' and that I NEEDED to do that no matter what.
I need to be present here to be present upstairs, I think. If I'm not aware of my life in this central reality, how in the world will I be able to stay aware when I'm traveling outside of it?
That spiritual expo I attended really put that in perspective for me. Maybe I haven't fully learned or acknowledged all the lessons I got there, either. I still haven't written that entry about it after all... but I do have to call that one woman tomorrow, the one who told me that I had a significant purpose here. Maybe that will help me get back in order. But I can't plan in the future. I have to live for now. That's all I have. And that's all there ever is.
Geez, I can feel the depth and the truth in all of this but something is clearly pushing it aside too. I suppose that's my ego. Well, it's not me, and I won't let it be me.
I know who I am.


It's 5 minutes to midnight and I have an incredibly busy day coming up tomorrow (including a MIDI test and an LGBT discussion panel), so I seriously need to get some sleep so I can deal with all of it. Sleep is vital after all! I can't be underestimating that. My boss hired me for a reason too.
...The biggest downside of my staying up late, though, is that I lose time upstairs.
Right now, all I want to do is talk to Laurie and Chaos. I want to be with them and I want to heal the pain I've caused them and I want to show just how much I love them. But I can't. Not at this hour.
I have to fix that. I have to fix that, desperately.


I'm so tired. I really am.
I'll see you all tomorrow.