122711

[prismaticbleed]

Ironically lethal problem of the year:
I'm not taking myself seriously enough.

That has to be what this is. I find out what situations are dangerous for me, I realize what things I can't do or say without getting dangerously misunderstood, I figure out what my morals and standards are, and then I pretend that it's all a joke and let everyone else step all over them.
I have to learn that when I set up boundaries to protect myself, I can't let people burn them down just because "they have their own opinions." Yeah, they do, but if they are causing you serious harm you have every right to get the heck out of there. I am under no obligation to stay just because 'they're people too.'

This has to stop, and I cannot believe that it's still happening simply because I'm not standing up for myself.

Chaos nearly had a breakdown today, Laurie is very angry, I am not doing well at all and we've brought Menchou into active duty for good because I need serious help.
That's the only reason why I couldn't get out of that dream hack on Christmas morning, you know. "Okay, this is a dangerous situation and I really should not let this happen to me... oh well, I'll just let it happen anyway."
And then I wake up, literally or figuratively, and I am terrified and shaken that such a thought even entered my mind.

There's something beneath the surface, causing this, and I haven't pinpointed it yet.
Part of it is too much hope. That's obvious. The other part is too much caring. Altruism in moderation, you know.
But I think there's some sort of careless apathy, or lingering self-hatred. There's some dark thing still drawing blood. It hasn't been brought to the surface yet, and maybe that's why this sort of thing is happening now. Forget the shovels, now we're tearing the earth apart to get at this thing. Nothing will grow if we don't.

As of now, I'm not sure how to fix this other than just cracking down and being vigilant, and maybe that's all I can do. Some things don't have an instant fix, or a simple solution. Those things are often the most important ones too.
In any case I'm talking to Laurie about this tomorrow. She is determined to get to the bottom of this, as soon as possible, seeing as how this is simultaneously one of our oldest concerns and something dreadfully new.

This attack was far too close and far too severe, and nothing has ever been so shamelessly direct before.
Laurie keeps reminding me that the brightest lights attract the darkest shadows... and after the 23rd, I shouldn't be surprised if dark things start showing up to try and undermine that.
I'm not surprised, just deeply damaged.
Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional... but for the love of life, that doesn't justify putting myself and everyone else through more pain than we can handle.

I'll work on this. This is my big challenge for the new year.
It's going to be tough, sure, but this is the final run, this is the most important part. This is when everything that hasn't been fixed is going to be dug up and brought to light.
It's going to be incredibly tough but it will be entirely worth it.

I'll figure this out. Don't worry.