100911

[prismaticbleed]

Since October 1st, I have been putting myself under dangerous amounts of personal stress.
I am taking on more projects and responsibilities than I can handle. I am being pulled too thin.
I'm handing out all my time to jobs and discussions and assignments and family and there is none left for what matters to me. There is none left for the most important things in my life, and I am suffering for it.
I've had two hacks within two days. I am more tired than I've been in months. I am feeling physically ill and honestly it is freaking me out, because I haven't been this completely off since May... since before I started being able to see clearly.

I'm not sure what to do right now. I know my ego is trying to throw blame and focus on suffering, and I don't want that either. But it is taking every ounce of my energy to recover from this without holding on to it. The scars stay, whether or not I dwell on them.

And... the worst part is that the hacks are becoming indirect again. They aren't targeting me.
I refuse to let this get worse. I'll chase away the fear and hold on to faith, I suppose. The RIGHT sort of faith. I've been letting myself be misled for too long. It happened again today. They say that when you need to learn an important lesson in life, you will be tested... and I keep forgetting that I have the right answers. I keep thinking I'm wrong, STILL.
I am truly distraught, and I will admit that. I am doing what I can to keep it down, to detach from it. I won't let it take over me. But it's there, it's there and it's dark and angry, and I don't like that one bit.

I need to do some more reading. I need to do some more reconnecting with the people I love.
I need to stop thinking. I need to STOP THINKING. Now I know what they mean by "we create our own hells." That is hell.
And lastly, possibly most importantly, I need to stop trying so hard.
It's keeping me from passing my classes again.
It's keeping me from creating again.
I need to just let go.

I need to let go of the world is what.
I could be perfectly happy, right here, just as I am, if the stress of the world wasn't trying to suffocate me.
And the funny thing is that I don't have to stand for it.
All I have to do is realize that it's purposeless, and let go of it.
That's all.

When will I learn that I'm going to be just fine?
When will I learn that only I can live my life?
When will I learn that the dreams of my heart are all that I need to pursue?
When will I learn that I have nothing to fear?
When will I learn that I AM WHAT I AM and NOTHING has the right to keep me from that?

I suppose that's what I'm suffering for right now.

There's a greater purpose in this.
I just need to stop trying so hard to see it...
After all, it's right in front of me.
...


Why do I need to feel the utmost guilt, self-loathing, pain, sorrow, and suffering,

in order to feel the utmost contrition, mercy, faith, and determination?

Why do I need to be in the darkest shadows of my life

in order to recognize just how brightly you shine?

Why do I need to feel like the most unworthy sinner on the planet

in order to feel the deepest love and gratitude for my blessings?


My heart is burning with agony and my eyes are blurred with tears,

and yet all I want is to drown in truth and compassion.


This is not the first time this has happened.


Maybe it's just the awful duality of life

Maybe it's the lesson I keep failing to learn


All I know is that there is something beautifully tragic

in crawling through the shadows to finally see the light again.



I'm just so tired of getting lost in the dark.