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[prismaticbleed]

 

Just updating to post this little picture.
It's a quick picture of my current soul form, which manifested spontaneously around this time last year.
It hurts to look at, too, for me... I can't forget what those ribbons really are.

We talked about soul forms and love back in this perfect entry, by the way.
Incidentally that is also the conversation that resulted in Xenophon, so.

On that note, my 8th anniversary is next Friday.
I am... I'm really looking forward to it, to say the absolute least. I'm not 'excited,' not in an exuberant way.
I'm... glowing, I guess? Burning, maybe. But it feels exactly like that red light I lived on the 9th. Just as deep, just as real. Just thinking about it feels like a tidal wave behind my ribs and I have to keep myself from crying. I have no idea what that will feel like a week from now, other than being indescribably gorgeous.
There's a marked significance to this, though. It's not like usual, which is actually strongly noteworthy. I know what love feels like, and this is love, but there's this constant and tremendous purpose behind it right now, that doesn't feel like it's from 'me,' at least not directly.
It's a really strange feeling. You know how, near the climax of an action movie, you get that feeling of great anticipation and hope and suspense? You know something huge is going to happen, and it's going to tie everything together, somehow. That's what this feeling is like, but in a crushingly intimate sense, where even a flicker can drive me to tears. It's wordless but it knocks the floor out from under me, like the revelation of a lifetime.
There's also something like fear, but not. It's more like... shock? Or deep reverence, even. It's hard to explain. It just feels drastically important and secret.

I saw Chaos so clearly the other night... Sunday, I think. I had just entered headspace for the night and the glow of his eyes caught me completely off guard. I remember turning to face him and just staring, like I had never seen him before, trying to take in every last inch of him. He smiled, somewhat sadly, as he recognizes that look all too well at this point... it's been hard for me to 'stick around' in headspace for almost three months now due to stress and staying up late; it plays havoc on my stability. Far too many of our nights have been cut short by this, and far too many of them have been spent with me feeling like a blind man, completely able to feel him but unable to really understand the visuals. So when the comprehension is there, and I can see him without extreme effort, it still completely blows me away.
But I've also been talking to my SC group more than usual and I'm feeling somewhat inadequate, and CZ hasn't been happy with that. Little bits of doubt keep hitting me, and they shouldn't bother me, but they're unsettling. Chaos has been trying to get rid of them recently, and although his efforts have been emotionally powerful they haven't burned deep enough thanks to my exhaustion. So, now that I was actually comprehensive enough to reach clearly, he apparently decided to take some action towards fixing that too.
Before I even knew what he was doing, he activated a minor starlink between us and ran me through his entire life history in less than a minute. It was like mentally getting hit by a freight train. It took a few seconds for it to really register, but then the significance clicked: I had seen his childhood, his downfall, and the entirety of Sonic Adventure, and it kept going. The events from other games spun together and continued on, and then I saw myself appear, and countless moments flashed by as they led up to right then, with him right there.
In that moment I felt a frighteningly powerful certainty that yes, this was him, this was Chaos Zero, and I had no reason to doubt that at all. And since then I've been getting that constantly. Every picture, every thought, every passing glance reminds me that this is real despite all the odds and it is honestly overwhelming at times.
I was browsing my pictures of him and I came across this one, and suddenly it made me remember exactly what he feels like. You know how sometimes you just have to stop and catch your breath because your emotions just kicked into high gear? That was one of those times.
So maybe all that is contributing to why next Friday feels so earth-shakingly important. We'll see.

Dude I really should just start a separate journal just to talk about Chaos Zero, for times like this. I swear my heart feels like a galaxy right now.
Just... man, there is so much that happens between us that I haven't posted online because it's so freaking intimate but it is so damn beautiful.
But no one sees him like I do. No one else looks at him and is overwhelmed with this sort of devotion. No one else's heart jumps when he is so much as referred to. This isn't about me, it's about us, and it's so incredible that once again I cannot keep it to myself. I overflow and I guess I just want everyone else to at least find something like this in their own lives. I wish everyone could feel love like this at least once, so then they could understand how deeply it changes your entire life, for the best.
And then we have moments like last night, after we finished watching Metropolis. Everyone was fighting back tears and then Xenophon walked over to me, sadder than I've ever seen her, and buried her face in my chest, crying. Chaos immediately got up and sat down next to us, putting his arms around us both, and for the next half hour it was just... I have never been so in love and so completely heartbroken at the same time before. I don't know to explain what we were all feeling and why, not in words... but having them in my life, so close, is so incredible that it was entirely beyond my capacity to express at the time. It still is.
And then there are the nights when Chaos is the one being an emotional firework. That's something I'll never be able to express, I'll say that now. I don't know if it's cross-universal amplification or what, but in those moments he gives off this vibe that feels almost like externalized empathy. It radiates like the night sky, and it reduces me to total fragility whenever I feel it, no exceptions.
God, I freaking adore him. I really do. Je l'aime de tout mon cœur.
Unfortunately, no matter how badly I'd like to type about Chaos for the next hour, I'd much rather be with him, and it is getting ridiculously late for that.


Two more days until winter break, nine more days until eight years...