last run

[prismaticbleed]

 

I think I get it.

These things keep happening to see if I can stand tall and true in spite of them.
I'm getting hit with wrecking balls to test whether or not I can stay centered despite the pain.

This is really tough, I will not deny that. But it's becoming clear that I have some huge obstacles in me still that are preventing me from getting solid footing. I'm tripping over all these old scars that I've gotten too used to.
Johnny and Shirley both knew what they were talking about.

It has been far too long since I last worked on any of my 'series.'
Part of that is this strange and distressing feeling of futility. 'You won't do any good, why even try?'
To quote Laurie and my therapist, that is total nonsense.
The problem is, even though I know that, something in me still doesn't believe it.
There is a difference. I never understood that until now.

TMI Thursday time.
I keep researching this hack nonsense because everyone else keeps telling me things about it that do not sync with any aspect of it that I've experienced.
The more and more I read about it, the more and more I am completely convinced that either I or they are doing it wrong.
'You lose self-awareness! Your mind stops talking! You experience clear awareness!' Uh... no I don't. I never did, no matter how many times I forced myself into it or was forced by someone else. It's quite the opposite. I become painfully self-aware, my mind starts screaming, and nothing is clear for about a day afterwards. Nothing at all. Laurie can vouch for this-- every freaking time I am hacked or come dangerously close to it, my mind and body go into a state of 'shock' and for the next 24 hours, everything is a hazy, sick blur, I am in pain, and I am scared. EVERY TIME.
So one of us is doing it wrong, and you know what? After last Friday, I think it's them.
Everyone else keeps comparing this torture to meditation. Believe me, they're not even close. But kick it from pink to ultraviolet, and then I start understanding what you're getting at... although it's in a completely different context and format, so what does that tell you?
It's not even comparable!! I've been to hell and I've been to heaven in this respect, and you cannot even talk about them in the same language.
I'm doing this right. I know this. The problem is that everyone else keeps telling me the opposite.
Don't condemn anyone else, let them do what they want. But remember that you have EVERY right to live your own life as well, and not to be condemned for being 'different.' Stop reflecting back what you're getting, even if it is unconscious. That's not good at all.
I have to just learn to say 'I have my own road to follow, leave me be,' instead of doing what they say because 'everyone else is a teacher' and somehow that makes me assume that 'everyone else has the right idea' and I am therefore ignorant and stupid. Have you already forgotten 'test everything?' And no, I do NOT mean in the old way you followed where you tested things to dangerous extremes. I don't mean inflicting everything you can even imagine on yourself and trying to make sense of the bloody fragments. No. I mean that, when you are told something, or when you read something, or when you take in anything at all, you have to compare it to what you already know to be true, at the heart of everything. It's so simple. You don't need to suffer at all to do that. You don't.
The problem is, I'm still being blinded.
This hacking problem? I'm sick of the nightmares. I am so sick of having some shadowy sort of PTSD in the background that my therapist acknowledges but refuses to talk about because it's not 'constant.' No, I blind myself to it, I convince myself this is normal, this is okay. It's not. And when I fall apart, alone, when I spend hours locked in empty rooms sobbing and praying that there are no sharp things around in case I snap, that's when I remember that this is not okay at all and how in the world did I fall this far?
This has made me a misogynist before. I don't ever want to go back to that. I'm tired of being terrified of women because I keep having nightmares about them. I'm tired of always having walls up because I can't reconcile what I'm told with what I've felt. I'm tired of being suicidally depressed thanks to my dysphoria and being unable to do anything besides sleep and pray to wake up differently. I thought I was over this. This fear is making me sick.
I have the right idea, underneath all that panic. I need to let go of that pain for good. Something is holding on to it. Every time I'm convinced it's gone, it comes back angrier than before. I don't want to get desperate but it's tricky, now, when there is so much manic energy around me at home and too much pain inside of me from the past. Apparently 'letting go' doesn't work, at least not how I'm doing it. This apparently needs to be solved before it will stay away, and I'm not sure how to solve it.
Yeah, Laurie probably knows how. Yes, Chaos always reminds me that I'm not as lost as I think I am. But I don't want to have to rely on everyone upstairs to get me out of this anymore. Yes, I am relying on everyone for that right now. But I don't want to have to drag the people I love into this horror just so I can drag myself out. That's not right. I need to be stronger, I need to learn to see more clearly. I need to stop falling into these traps in the first place.
I need to wake up.


The future is changing every second. The problem is that I'm not contributing to that as positively as I need to be.
That's why my lack of series work is bothering me. I can't just sit back and wait for everyone else to do things. And yes, we all have our own paths to follow and we have to ultimately do that on our own, but we are STILL in this together!! I would not be where I am now if it weren't for all the other souls I've known in my life, if it weren't for THEIR works and inspirations.
Why do I think I'm such an exception to the rule? Why do I think I'm the only person who doesn't count? Am I just used to that?
I'm sick of it. I don't want to be dark and scared and sick anymore, no matter how many shadows keep clawing at me. I say that a lot, but I haven't reached that goal yet. It never stops moving. And so I cannot stop moving. This isn't a 'do it once, get it done' situation. This is nonstop work. This is continuous and arduous, but it is the most worthwhile thing I can ever do.
You cannot wait for anyone or anything else to solve your problems for you. I can't do that. But if I don't shine my light in the ways I have been blessed with, I'll be abandoning a great reason of why I'm here.
I KNOW my work is important. I can feel that loud and clear, even if I don't believe it yet. Ironically, I think that doubt is there because I've become too disconnected from my heart.
Part of that is the cynicism in this world that I am letting affect me (and I shouldn't be). Society tells me I have to be tough and brutal and unforgiving and selfish, in one way or another. Why? I don't want to be, and so I will not be... or at least that's what I say. My mind doesn't, and it slowly tries to push me in the other direction. I have to be careful.
When I was younger, I didn't feel obligated to be any of those things. I didn't have any jobs to work at, I didn't have any insane school systems to live up to. I didn't even have a group of friends to impress, or a hobby that insisted I 'be the best.' No! All I did was draw and write what I felt and saw in my heart, and I was happy, in that state. I really was.
Then I got older, and somehow I fell out of that. But I didn't lose it. It may be impossible to go back to that childhood situation, but it's not impossible to go back to that innocent mindstate.
I think, right now, I have to start slow, but immediately. As soon as I break through the beginning mire and actually catch the tiniest spark of inspiration, I'm almost unstoppable. I know that too.
I'll concentrate on one story for now, maybe two. I know which one needs to be told more than anything, but I keep getting distracted by all my other responsibilities. I'm stretching myself too thin and I think that's causing a lot of this tiredness too.

I think I'm getting pushed backwards because I moved forward without taking care of all that I needed to.
I took shortcuts, I rushed through things. I wasn't diligent or vigilant enough. I still have many rough spots to fix.
Lately I've been getting a lot of nudges in this direction, but it's making me wonder, about time.
Yes, I know that this spiritual stuff is the most important stuff. I know it is. But... I've been spending the past four years on it, going on five, and I feel like I'm neglecting other important things? I can't become so obsessed with the divine that I forget that I'm still living on this planet. I keep forgetting to buy food, to pick up my paychecks, to finish my schoolwork, to write, to draw, to communicate. I spend hours reading books and researching and doing everything I can to get my inner life in order, but my outer life is a mess. Yes, I know it's just my 'life situation,' but it's important too, in its own way.
Maybe that's what I should do for this new year. Maybe in 2012, I should focus a little more on what I am now able to do thanks to 2011, to 2010, to 2009 and 2008.
I mean, really. I have hundreds upon hundreds of files in this scrapbook of a computer, all quotes and photos and things that perfectly capture the essence of the messages I am trying to share, but how is that going to help anyone? I need to put that into my own words and pictures. I'm just such a mess I've been unable to do that.
It's such a paradox. But I can't wait forever. Perfection is unattainable like this, and the definition is debatable anyway. I need to just start this now and keep going, not stopping, as I continue to improve myself inside as well.

But I should not be lapsing like this. Should I?
I don't understand why these shadows are back. How much did I overlook?


My ego is starting to act up. The mental stress levels are spiking for no good reason.
Excuse me, I need to go ask Laurie to put a bullet through my nonphysical brain so I can see straight.