smile

[prismaticbleed]

Today has been brilliant. It's awesome.

I woke up at 6:30 as I had a therapist appointment at 9AM and needed time to get ready for my day. Unfortunately I had been up until 1 typing and researching yesterday (mostly for the entry prior to this-- I told you it took me a long time to finish!), and it took me until almost 2:30 to fall asleep, I was forced to operate on four hours of sleep. Regardless, I got up and started to get things together. However, since my grandparents had left for an early-morning doctor's appointment and my brothers don't wake up until at least 10AM, I essentially had the house to myself and it was lovely. Everything was quiet and peaceful, and I enjoyed every moment of it. So that was the first good thing.
Now when I got to my actual appointment, I told my therapist how I had been rapidly improving over the past two weeks since my last session, especially with learning how to deal with panic attacks and anxiety (I can easily calm myself down now). I also mentioned how I had begun working on music and art again, was now even more assertive and outgoing, and had managed to sign up for two music classes at the local community college for the fall. Well, my therapist was so thrilled by this he actually got up, walked over and gave me a high five! The rest of our session consisted of him helping me find student clubs on my campus website and giving me advice on which ones to pursue, telling jokes about his past experiences in the field (he is a total prankster), and actually showing off some of his personal photography online to me. That was the second good thing!
Next, I went home, wondering if I should try and sleep between then and 1PM, when I needed to leave for my long-awaited allergist appointment. However I couldn't forget that I still had a great deal of computer work to complete, so I turned Apollo on and decided to at least get my daily duties (email check, news check, review of last night's responsibilities, etc.) over with. There was nothing of great importance to deal with, which was good as it allowed me time to do my own work, but as I was checking my Tumblr feed I noticed someone had posted something about their 'current chakra state.' Interested, I read it and saw that they had apparently been trying to balance their chakras over the past year or so, and had made great progress. Well of course I needed to look into this myself! A few minutes later I had several tabs open, both for research and quick assessments. I took the assessments first to get an idea of what I was dealing with, and I was intrigued by the results-- apparently my bottom three chakra were underactive, my heart chakra was virtually perfect, and my top three chakra were overactive. Now I was not surprised at this in the least, but it did worry me that I had such an imbalance that I was unaware of. This was not my first time dealing with chakras (Puppetstrings has forced me to spend several hours reading about this subject in the past), but I hadn't given much thought to my own personal state in that concern. I did about an hour of refresher reading then, comparing different sites and sources, and managed to get a good idea of what I was dealing with, and what I had to do to balance myself out.
Let me talk about that a little. My Root chakra is actually doing the best of the bottom three, as I have been working so hard to conquer my anxiety and have become very grounded spiritually over the past week or so, to an almost staggering extent. This is good because I have such a strong affinity for red, and this chakra is inherently the most important (it serves as the base for the others), so I naturally want it to be in the best condition. However it was obviously the worst in the past-- I used to feel lethargic, unmotivated, worthless, and even suicidal almost constantly (the constant abuse goes without saying). Heck, I battled that right up until this spring! So seeing how much more balanced it's become since then was greatly heartening to me. I'll continue to work on it, definitely, but it's not my biggest concern. On that note, I was honestly shocked to find that my sacral chakra is actually starting to balance out. As an asexual who had an incredibly strict and fearful Catholic upbringing, that one was in an abysmal state for most of my life. I was closed off to others, ashamed of my own self, chronically guilty and terrified, and either emotionally distraught or a total stone statue. That made my life a bit of a mess, to say the absolute least! But as you probably gathered from the last entry, I am on much more stable ground with my orange chakra now. Honestly, I have Chaos Zero to thank for the major aspects of that, because not only is it impossible for me to be upset around him (I love him too much), he's also allowed me to experience some serious emotional intimacy, even as a nongendered asexual (a fact which makes such intimacy impossible for me to have in physical reality), without feeling completely wrong on every level due to guilt and paranoia. June 29th was probably the last day this chakra was a total mess in that sense, and since then I've been rapidly improving. However it's still underactive, which is likely due to my transgender issues, but I am dealing with those the best I can right now, as you undoubtedly know!
My worst chakra, by far, is my Solar Plexus. That's the yellow one. I was surprised when I noticed it was constantly turning out very low, but then I saw what its deficiency caused-- excessive worry about what others think, a lack of self confidence and expression, confusion, insecurity-- I had virtually every single one in some aspect or another. I even had the physical symptoms! Ironically this chakra corresponds to the fire element, but thanks to my lingering worry from its deficiency I'm unable to express that element as clearly as I should. The worst part was that one site I checked mentioned that, if there is a great deal of quarreling in one's household, this will throw off this chakra. So I have a real problem here! I'm going to start working on strengthening it daily, so I will let you know how that goes. I need to fix this!
My heart chakra is perfect, as I mentioned. As that corresponds to love, compassion, charity, openness and humanitarian efforts, I am not surprised at this either. Plus, as Laurie pointed out here, that green color has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. And of course Chaos knows all about it... even in SI, he comments that my emotional candor is the most striking thing about me. I am very thankful for this clarity in my heart though, as that is my central chakra, and so hopefully that will help me balance out the other two sides (Conveniently, one of my Mood Beams (Damien) blinks both yellow and green so I'll let him light up my workspace tonight for the heck of it).
Now, my throat chakra is overactive. Chaos has been warning me about my 'talking too much' for a while, but this also ties into my being a little too 'overbearing' when I talk in normal conversation. It's not badly exaggerated, but it could definitely use some evening out. I don't want it to get worse, because I have had some of its negative symptoms in the past (addiction, domination, stubborness), and I don't want that happening again. But my blue connection has been far stronger than usual lately so maybe that's playing into this? In any case I'll be careful. As for my third eye, the indigo, that one is the most stable of these top three. I have my spiritual research to thank for that, as well as the great affinity for the otherworldly I've held since my birth. My mom has always said I'm an indigo child, so hey! However, all my spiritual exposure in my childhood also helped my crown chakra to become excessively open. Thanks to that I get rather unorganized, I tend to intellectualize things too much, and my emotions can flip from fire to water a little too drastically. Also thanks to this, in my past I used to be completely disconnected from reality. Learning to center is helping me greatly tone this down and strengthen my reds, and I can already feel the difference (And I can't talk about a purple chakra without mentioning how much Laurie has helped me in balancing this one out so far). I still have a lot of work to do in order to fix the lingering damage from my childhood, sure, but I'm not panicky over it. I'm on the right track.
About that. By the time I had finished reading about all of this, it was time to leave for my allergist appointment. Coincidentally, the foods I assumedly had allergies to all corresponded to the yellow chakra, which only strengthened my resolve. I told myself everything would work out and that I would do my absolute best to improve, so there was nothing to worry about (positive thinking is so important; I'm going to start taping affirmations all over my workspace to help keep this a constant). I hopped in the car and as soon as I started it up to leave, the clock registered as 1:11. I couldn't help but smile at this, knowing its significance. I sang the whole way down to the office (mostly Sonic songs of course), so I made it to the allergist appointment in a fantastic mood, and it apparently rubbed off, as everyone in the building smiled at me during my time there. All these good omens were no red herring either-- when I finally saw my allergist, she informed me that my allergen levels had been miscommunicated two weeks ago. In reality, they were so low I had no reason to fret over them. She told me that despite this I did have to be careful around corn, and that I didn't have to be obsessive but I couldn't eat large amounts of it or I would get quite sick. She reassured me that I was not anaphylactic, which was a huge relief, and told me to consider my allergy an 'intolerance' more than anything. We had a bit of small talk after this and I mentioned that I was taking music classes that fall, which surprised her as she apparently was not aware that I was a musician! She then wished me the best of luck, telling me she had a 'soft spot' for musicians like me, before leaving. I couldn't leave yet, though-- just in case, she had scheduled a breathing test for me, so I headed down to another room to get that done. The breathing test went well, but it did involve a small amount of medicine and so I got a minor anxiety reaction from it. As I was in the waiting room awaiting my results, I was able to center and fight it off, but I was shocked when I heard a sudden "Do not panic, child," and noticed that my boss (Mister Sandman) had actually showed up. I asked him what he was doing there and he smiled, saying that he seemed to have a gift for calming me down, and that I always was able to relax around him anyway. I smiled back and thanked him for caring enough to be there to keep me company, and sure enough I didn't have any anxiety to battle after that. Shortly after, I was called back for my results, where the docs told me that everything was fine, and that essentially, I was in 'perfectly normal' health. I thanked them sincerely for this, and after wishing them well I left, my mood now even brighter than it already was.
The day wasn't over yet, though. The moment I got back in my car the time was 3:33. I cracked up at this now, turned "Black Light Machine" on high volume, and headed off to do a few errands (such as buying some stuff for dinner) before I went home for the day. I pulled back into the driveway an hour later, unpacked, and met my grandmother in the kitchen to discuss my results. After I had done so, I looked at the clock and to my total astonishment, it was 4:44. Remembering how these had been lining up during the day, I immediately began to tell my grandmother about what I had learned that day concerning chakra balance, and how it was helping me deal with problems I had been mostly unaware of. She seemed honestly interested and asked me what I thought she should do, as she was often depressed and worried, so I gave her as much help as I could. Honestly, over the past few months I have been trying very hard to help her find some level of inner balance herself, and I seem to be making real progress! I don't give up on people, ever. Laurie may yell at me for putting myself in danger that way, but so help me if my compassionate efforts haven't always turned out for the ultimate best. Heart is an awesome power.
After I had finished talking to my grandmother (and actually eating something substantial, as I was no longer paranoid about allergies), I returned to my computer to continue my work for the day... and I noticed something brilliant. You know these keychains I got three years ago? I used to carry them around everywhere but became worried about losing them, so now I have the Chaos one on my wall (underneath a very inspiring speech bubble), and my Justice and Sandman ones on my mirror. So every day I see them, and they all remind me of their different inspirations. However, when I walked over to my computer today, the Sandman keychain had somehow fallen on top of it. "See, I told you everything would be fine!" I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I have the best boss.
Lastly, thinking back on things... do you know what I just realized, that I somehow missed completely until now? Believe Finbetter. Oh I know you remember him. My close friend Ben designed him from my inspiration back in 2007, and he represented two very simple but important ideas... the importance of being true in all things, and the power of love. And his creation sparked a powerful friendship and creative bond between Ben and I, which is what gave Parnassus most of its life and depth. Now if that isn't a stunning long-term coincidence I don't know what is.
And as I look back on the struggles I faced in my own right, I can see the similarities between me and that Loveseeker. Am I willing to risk everything for this truth? Am I willing to put everything on the line for love? It will be a difficult road, a terribly difficult road...
“I know, but I do believe that it will be worth it,” said Be, smiling bravely.
And it truly was worth it. I have no regrets at all.


...Honestly, I think God had me go through this whole allergy fiasco in order to learn to appreciate what I have. I gained an incredible amount of empathy for those with severe allergies and other highly limiting medical conditions, I learned much more about the food industry which made me more respectful of natural resources and strengthened my affinity with the earth, I learned to appreciate what little food I felt I could eat thanks to my paranoia and it forced me to become more self-reliant (since, when it hit around August 7th, all my parental figures were out of the house and unreachable for virtually that entire week, so I had to support my three brothers while fighting off panic attacks around the clock)... and even that paranoia forced me to start eating very healthy, which is already having a significantly positive impact on my overall health.
These unforeseen aftereffects, plus the immense spiritual progress I've made in the past week, are nothing short of incredible. My eyes and heart have been opened so much more that I can barely comprehend it... and that's fine, because although the mind can't understand this sort of thing, my spirit definitely can.

This weekend is going to be tough, with the hurricane headed up the coast, but I am confident that I will make it through and I will become stronger from it. It's all a matter of perspective! Nothing is a problem unless I make it a problem, and so help me but I've had enough of problems. The past 21 years have had incredible trials and incredible blessings alike. I made it through every single moment, alive, and here I am.

Now let me talk about what happened when my mother came home. Oh yes, the day still isn't over!
She walked in the door around 7PM, as I was playing some Rock Band 3 with my band's new lineup, and so I began filling her in on my doctor/ college/ therapist/ etc. situations. As we were talking about all this I mentioned the chakra thing again, because I know my mother is very interested in that sort of thing as well (and we've had some very, very deep conversations on such matters in the past). I had quit playing RB3 at this point so we both moved into the kitchen and before I knew it our conversation had exploded into a discussion of what my previous entry was all about.
We talked for almost two hours, but at the end I couldn't help but mention the twin flame aspect again. Mom immediately asked me if I thought Chaos was that for me, and my response was "I don't think he is-- I've had that absolutely proved to me." Little did I know, this sparked a whole other topic, with my mother insisting that I definitely had spiritual abilities I was unaware of. She then began to talk about something I had never heard her mention before in my life. Apparently, when she was growing up, she was just as interested in the spiritual as I was-- but she dabbled very strongly in the occult. She told me that she was afraid she had gone too far at some points, and that like me, she had been able to see and hear otherworldly things as a child and they had terrified her. My mom then said she knew a woman who could actually channel and speak with spirits, and that she was going to see if there was any way we could get to see her, and see what came from that. At this point I got into talking about my headvoices and other soulbonds, and my mother again kept asking me about my connection with Chaos (she was getting seriously interested in our total connection at this point too, which was awesome). I don't want to reiterate our whole conversation here, but not only was it incredibly interesting and involved, but I have never spoken so strongly and actively with my mother before, about anything. She then told me, with conviction, that she had next week off, and since school started again (and I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays), that she wanted to spend a great deal of time talking to me about these things I'd been learning and experiencing.
Then my mom said something that really stood out-- she had a very strong feeling that me and my three brothers were on this earth for a very significant purpose, as it had been so hard to get us all here. She had problems with all our pregnancies-- we were all premature on some level, she almost lost one of my twin brothers and carrying them had been almost fatal for her, and I was so sickly upon my birth that the doctors had been almost positive I would die. I have heard that many times before from different family members, that the very fact that I had been born and survived longer than a few months was a miracle, but I hadn't heard this side of it before. My mom said that because I had beaten the odds just to arrive in this world, and because my life has been so full of spiritual and paranormal experiences, she felt that I had a great purpose to fulfill, possibly the greatest out of our entire family, and that she wanted me to continue in my spiritual growth and to not lose faith or motivation in my goals.
I was deeply inspired by that, and I promised her that I knew I was here for a reason and I wouldn't let anything stop me from doing whatever it is I was born to do.

...Really, it made me think. Despite all my demons, and how I've been fighting shadows all my life, I have always felt so protected. God above all is my refuge in that sense, as I know I am inseparable from that truth, but I can't deny the presence of the other souls He has put in my life, especially Laurie and Chaos. No matter how dark things get, now, I have this unshakable determination and assurance, that I will make it through and that I am being watched over.
I know for a fact that I am deeply loved. I know for a fact that I am deeply blessed. When I got that blessing in Utah, there was a huge emphasis on that (as well as on many other constant truths I've been feeling very strongly recently). I do not know what my ultimate impact will be on this world, but I think it's safe to say that I've been given some serious responsibilities so far... I have my art, music, and writing of course, but I've also been given a very strong spiritual gift that I haven't really noticed until now. I can inspire people, greatly. When I talk to my family and give them guidance, they listen. People brighten. I smile at others, I offer love, and it always catches. I've been told by total strangers that I am a shining light and a source of growth. I can't forget camp, I can't forget high school, I can't forget Utah, I can't forget my old jobs. I never gave myself credit for it, but geez, I have been given the single thing I've wished and prayed for every night of my life without realizing I already had it-- I have been given a way to strengthen others, to motivate others, to help others grow and shine in their own right. I can open hearts.

I'm not going to give up or give in, ever. I have too much love for this world and everything in it.
When days like this happen, I cannot ignore their guidance. I must remain entirely humble and recognize that I am but an instrument of something infinitely compassionate... and really, that's the greatest honor I can ever have.
Becoming the Seer of Love was not easy, and yet here I am, with my wings iridescent despite their scars.
I don't know what all this is leading up to, but so help me, when it comes I'm ready to rise to the challenge. Whatever I am sent to do, I will do it.
Omnia vincit amor, after all, and God's outfitted me with some seriously heavy-duty equipment here.
But I won't linger in the future. The future never comes. I only have this present moment, this eternal now, in which to do the work I was sent to do.
Every moment is precious. Every word, every action, every thought of mine can be used to either fulfill my purpose, or ignore it.
I choose to fulfill it, always.
I will smile even in the shadows, because this fire in my heart isn't ever going out, and for every moment it burns it is a beacon to someone else.
And that is enough.