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[prismaticbleed]

DUDE remember that conversation I said I'd be having with my friend today?
Well, I had it, and about an hour of research and talking to Chaos later I had a similar conversation with my mother about the same topics.
All of that really helped, just being able to talk to people about this... it gave me a chance to actively express myself, and in doing that I was able to 'tune in' to that better than I have in a while, and right now I am actually drawing. Seriously!
I will tell you what it all boiled down to...
1. I am trying too hard/ thinking too much, and
2. I am forgetting that I am this boundless glittering thing on the inside, and when I suppress that I am going to have problems!
I also discovered a sort of 'butterfly problem' while talking to Chaos last night... it ties into my fire element, in that it is a very powerfully energetic drive, but basically it just means that I'm always flying about, taking in everything, but starting and stopping far too quickly and randomly. It's really my old 'running' principle, remember? So that deserves far more thought, in order to be solved.
All the issues from my previous entry are also being worked on. Honestly most of that was either ego blockage, or outside 'suppression.' With how glittery a butterfly I am, when I'm confined to a small space and told that I cannot express myself freely, I start to shut down, somehow. I can't do much about that at the moment, but hey, maybe I can play with space a little bit... you never know.
It's all very exciting to think about. I just need to keep this level, keep it balanced. Sudden extremes are always bad and ego-driven, I have learned this. I know how they feel. This can become one if I don't pay attention. So I will focus very carefully on all these issues, and keep my light shining as it is, without letting it get out of control and causing me to burn up too fast.

I'll give you guys a better follow-up on everything tomorrow (well, if my schedule allows and this doesn't completely warp overnight), after I discuss this with Laurie (because she always helps, no matter what), but for right now I just want to reiterate that I have a great head start on this, and I think I know what I need to do next. It's only the first step, sure, but a step is a step!

...Lastly, I worked up the nerve to fight Perfect Chaos on Sonic Generations today.
The whole time I was fluctuating between total joy/ wanting to just throw my arms around the guy, and serious heartache/ wanting to get him out of that situation so Sonic didn't have to freaking hit him I mean come on.
It was insane, and I was completely exhausted afterwards, but yeah, I managed.
Chaos kept having to reassure me "you do know I'm going to be okay," because I kept wincing and stopping in the middle of the stage, to say the least. Hey, it hurt.
(Also, changing the background music to an ambient edit of Ryuichi Sakamoto made it much more dramatic than I expected... I'll remember that for sure.)
But now that I seem to be getting my art vibe back, I want to draw him. I want to draw him a lot.
I remember saying something about art, and love, way back in 2003... "That's what I do in all of the things I do= whether it's in my novels or even in my drawings. I put my heart into them. I try to catch whatever I'm feeling in my work. I have a lot of emotion, and getting it into my work isn't that hard." I desperately want to channel this love into my art, but I guess I'm still worried it 'won't look right.' Kind of ridiculous, when I think about it. So I'll give it a shot. God knows I owe my blue guy some serious artwork in any case.

Speaking of art... my big roadblock is STILL that I can only seem to draw things from headspace, or spiritual memory. Actually, right now I'm sketching things out from my 4th *incident* with Chaos, wow that is old jargon, but it was an absolutely momentous (and devastatingly tragic) event in our lives and it deserves art.
Even so, I can't draw outside of that category yet, although I have tried, many times. Strangely it is much harder to translate things I can physically see onto paper, than it is to translate things I can only see through feeling or 'memory.' Huh.
I think I'll just need to start slow. Practice practice practice, and then practice some more.

Oh, did I tell you I found some free handbell samples for my FL soundfont player? I didn't think I could get those! Handbells are my favorite instrument, to be honest. They sound absolutely lovely, so I'm going to try writing something with them.
I have a few ideas already-- no sounds, just concepts. That is suppressive, but I guess I'll just have to jump into composing headfirst, without worrying. I think that's the trick, really.

Now I only have a half hour left before I need to sleep, and tomorrow will be busy, as I need to prepare for classes again, and maybe have a Xanga session.
Have a lovely night.