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[prismaticbleed]

 

I spent over 4 hours cooking and cleaning today... so that's where all my time went, if you were wondering.
Other than that I also drew Jigaria in a dress for an "outfit meme," which was quite fun because I don't draw her often and I'm still learning fabric. Also, man, being able to work with the pencil hands-on was such a relief. I'm tired of using this tablet for everything. I think I'll just use it to ink and color things from now on...

Anyway. You know how time and space flow really strangely in headspace? And you know how, in the space of two hours, I can have a life-changing realization? Yeah, that's what happened today. I told you my life changes fast. This is why I've stopped making schedules and planning ahead-- sometimes, five minutes after I've made said schedule, something happens that completely destroys that possible sequence of events! Life changes too fast and completely for me. I love it, as turbulent as it is, but I can no longer bank on expectations, even those as vague as 'planning.' All I can do is dance in the waves of life, instead of trying to figure out where the next one will land.
So thanks to how significant today was, yesterday's topics are, as of now, completely solved. The situation that caused them is now irrelevant as well. On the other hand, my new situation is bringing up some completely new topics, and I need to discuss/ solve them alone. Really, after doing some soul-searching on that... I think that some part of me was right after all, with not asking for help. I can ask for opinions, sure, but even then I ultimately need to help myself, according to my own rules. I realized that today, as an offshoot of the big revelation.

As for that big revelation, well... I can't explicitly discuss it here. It's not something I can talk about so nonchalantly. I promised Laurie a Xanga session on it as soon as possible, which might happen tomorrow night, but if not we have to wait until Thursday. So if you want bloody details you'll have to wait too.
In a nutshell... I figured out what's been going wrong with my creativity. I also figured out how that same problem ties into both the ego hacks and the multiple 'death' situations of last year. Told you it was a big revelation!
Honestly, it has completely flipped my perspectives on all related situations around, again. This feels like I've been building up to it for a very long time, though... like if I didn't suffer through everything in the past, and learn as much as I did from it all, I wouldn't ever have been able to learn this. It's a point I couldn't ever reach before, and it is huge.
Man. I'm reeling from it, I really am. But this feels like the mercy I prayed for as a kid, finally getting here. This is that old desperate prayer being answered, at exactly the right time. I had to suffer first, sure, but now... really, this opened up my eyes. I can understand why I never saw this before, but still, now that I can see it I can't imagine how I lived without knowing this.

On a related note, Laurie has apparently been bossing around all of central headspace, as everyone is telling me they've been assigned to 'jobs' thanks to her. It's helping a lot, but it also shocked me when I heard about it, because this has been going on for longer than I thought and I didn't know! I'm not complaining, and once again I don't wish I had known earlier. Let's just say that I had some serious mental conflicts last week, and I needed to deal with those first before I could be given this reassurance.
Menchou also showed up for about three minutes today, in a ghosting manner, to help Lynne keep me stable this evening. I was quite surprised, but I told her that if she wanted to stick around then she'd be very welcome. She thanked me but told me that she needed to help Veradenne 'get over here,' as apparently Menchou is more skilled at reality-level traversing? I don't know. I'll keep you all posted.

Lastly... today's revelation has given me some seriously significant insights into Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon, and Julie's roles up here.
I'm not going to even summarize that here. It's too complicated. I'll just mention that now, we really need to get Julie to stay in central headspace, as she's obviously far more important than we could have realized before.

That's all I have to say for tonight. I'm quite exhausted right now, I have a pile of typing/drawing work to my left that needs to be completed ASAP, and I have a huge music project due in nine days that I don't have the means to even start yet. So yes, I could really use some recharging sleep at this hour.
I've been having incredibly vivid dreams lately. I hope I remember tonight's.