120911

[prismaticbleed]

Sorry about that unsettling post yesterday. I just needed to make sure that had a timestamp, and I needed to get that off my chest like you wouldn't believe.
I'm trying not to think about it. It's not that hard. Whenever I try, my mind blanks out and pushes me away. It refuses to even acknowledge that it happened. It refuses to comprehend or understand.
I'm thankful. If it did, I probably would have snapped.

Finals are this Thursday. I have an hour on Tuesday to complete mine (booking studio time is near impossible and that is not cool), and maybe an hour on Monday if I get out of my therapist appointment early enough, but I'm not betting on it. In any case I am planning exactly what I want to write so I won't spend that hour brainstorming instead of actually composing.
I also have a take-home test to complete between now and then, a performance test that I should pass no problem, an audio mixing assignment that is about 85% completed, and two written finals to study for.
Yeah, I'm kind of stressed out over it, haha.
I took a day off today because I've been losing sleep and I really just needed to unwind... so I got out Rock Band 3 and we all decided that it was time to bring Xenophon into our crazy musical escapades.
The best part was that it turned Laurie into a fashion critic, haha. She insisted that I get her looking as close to her actual self as possible, which was really fun, and actually turned out perfectly. She looks absolutely adorable. And, for whatever reason, part of her outfit tends to reflect far too much light in-game under certain conditions, so it makes her glow a little. It's awesome. Even better, that's the one part of her outfit that Laurie all but demanded that I pick for her, so of course she used that as more reason why I should always listen to her. She has a point!
Also I managed to get a genuine laugh out of her the other day, when my mom was baking and ended up making a holy mess. I made a random movie reference concerning it and she actually burst out laughing, which got a brilliant grin from Chaos as well and had me smiling for the rest of the night.
Anyway, Rock Band just became even more fun for us (it's perfect stress relief the way it is). Xenophon is having the time of her life and she is so excited to actually be involved in music upstairs (she loves it just as much as I do).

I'm really looking forward to Monday (the 12th) though. Despite finals I really want to make sure I'm a good condition for it. I did a lot of reading today that helped my perspective a little, but I do need to put more time into it.

Lastly I just want to mention that Wednesday night (well, Thursday morning) was absolutely beautiful.
...On Wednesday it snowed. I was up late that night as I was recovering from some physical stress (and was overwhelmed with finals as well), and for once I actually ended up being the only person left awake in the house (usually my brothers are up later than I am). It was 1 in the morning when I realized this, and so of course Chaos had already stopped by and was talking to me. I was exhausted, but I told him that I wasn't going to head upstairs for the night just yet. I couldn't let that perfect silent world outside go unappreciated, and I couldn't possibly pass up having such a perfect early-morning hour to experience it in...
We went outside at 1:11 and just stood in the snow together. He actually made the effort to ghost, despite the cold and how tired we both were. And it was beautiful. Everything was pure white and quiet and almost divine, with no sound save some quiet windchimes and that fragile silence that lingers in the winter wind. The sky was overcast, so the orange lights from the street and the nearby city were reflected in it. The snow caught the light as well, giving everything an otherworldly, dreamlike glow. It felt like heaven and in a way I think it was.
In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was.


Things are improving in little ways. I think that's what matters right now.