091423

[prismaticbleed]

 
Holy Cross mass
So distracted. Very distressed, prayed about it
Said Lauds in church. Kept "returning" in heart to the Tabernacle. I can FEEL Him answer, can feel Him THERE.

Quick shop for carrots
Bumped into GODFATHER DANNY!!!
Haven't honestly spoken to him in YEARS.
Small talk but felt so real. Did our heart great good
Checked vitamins too, got an idea of what there is

Therapy phone appointment, while sitting in parking lot. surreal.
Actually helped us to be MORE honest without seeing our face on a screen, OR who we were talking to. NOTABLE that such a total "erasure of self" (and external other???) is what kicks our sincerity OF IDENTITY AND PRESENTATION BOTH into high gear.

Church stop

Jade pickup & quick wash
INTERESTING INTERACTION SHIFT TODAY.
They did all the talking, and we FELT our selfhood EVAPORATE in response. We just became the "conversation continuer." Like a chatbot that just smiles vapidly between responses, head empty, no true identity behind it.
. .

Took almost 2 HOURS to settle down

Reflection on Salvation by "works," i.e. obeying rules & laws = what is that view of heaven? Relationship with God ISN'T CONSIDERED POSSIBLE so it actually strips heaven of all real beauty.
Whereas the CROSS reveals in itself the TRUTH of both salvation AND heaven. It is relationship & love, sacrificial self-giving like a mother.


"But I wasn't always like this!!" Protest to my moral collapse.
Answer = "a tree wasn't always a tree! Does that change what it has become? Could it ever go back? No. You keep changing, and so now strive to change for the better. Desperate hopes of rewinding not only deny the past, but also rob you of a transformative future."

Mom stop, Paul talk
GAVE HIM OUR FOOD. Refuse to waste anymore. Be a good wizard!!
Still, Too much socializing!! Brain a MESS
Biked & did rosary, blasting music. Reset wonderfully but 20m late to dinner haha

...

Mimics thoughts wander to the Diamond Cutters a lot. I catch blinks of images sometimes. He often wonders about Whisper, with acute but constrained grief. He knows he can't justify himself and wouldn't even try to. But he's becoming more aware of the PAIN she is suffering from him. As he's reforming, that is agonizing to realize, that there are wounds he has dealt that may never heal. I know the feeling. What can you do? Would it be presumptuous to even try to contritely confess the guilt, let alone make amends? There's no basis of trust to stand on. She may never forgive him, and that is sadly understandable. Again, I can empathize completely. But how do you properly grapple with that albatross when you're striving to be a new man? You still can't disown the past.
I guess that's the whole point of the Cross. Reflect on that. We sinners don't "get off scott free" from our sins just because we're redeemed. Mercy must be united with justice. Our debt of death TO GOD is paid-- but we still owe a debt of love TO MAN, which we CAN pay now that we're unshackled from selfishness & death, and the Spirit can work in us?? I know there are legit Scripture verses about this; look 'em up.
⭐We CARRY OUR CROSSES BECAUSE WE ARE SAVED BY HIS. its a divine paradox.

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TONS OF FAITHPASTING TODAY. (It's all in this entry btw)
I want to be more actively ENGAGED in study, to APPLY it and therefore understand it more completely.
I also want to type about it more. Our life now, as a System, ORBITS GOD. So we need to really get involved in our faith collectively, as we finally return to it in mutual earnest.


"...the sickness of those we love is our affliction. The more friends we have the more frequently we are thus afflicted by sympathy; and the dearer they are the more grievous it is. The multiplying of our comforts is but the multiplying of our cares and crosses... [the sisters] showed their love [their brother] now that he was sick, for a brother is born for adversity, and so is a sister too. We must weep with our friends when they weep, as well as rejoice with them when they rejoice."
Both Mimic and I wincing at this; we have a history of avoiding friendship FOR that reason. Our hearts have been weak in selfishness, the unwillingness to be burdened with so much concern & effort, let alone the genuine cross of SYMPATHY with those people.
We want to change. We MUST, or we will die.
Were we-- was "I"-- always like this, so antisocial?
Type about that, and pray even more for a change of heart.