tbhu weekly recovery recap 102724-110324

[prismaticbleed]

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Even split between heaven & hell. Tons of fear food challenges, facing up to allergy panic, and struggling with exchange overload & large volume meals. Worried about looming discharge date & doubt about recovery validity. Difficult milieu environment spiking stress. BUT ALSO beautiful conversations in headspace almost every morning, two dreams about kissing Chaos 0, ACTUALLY KISSING ANXI & SEEING THE BEGINNINGS OF AN *INCIDENT* for her, and MIMIC RETURNING AND FRONTING (he likes dark chocolate)!!

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY/ SOY CHALLENGES
● NO DOUBLING MEALPLAN SIDES
● ADMITTING I WAS STRUGGLING WITH FORCING CHALLENGES
● LISTENING TO NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
● BEING MORE HONEST ABOUT SELF IN GROUP & WITH OTHERS

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
I DIDN'T GIVE UP. We didn't back down from ANY challenge foods. We MADE IT THROUGH HALLOWEEN, even though we had a MASSIVE IDENTITY COLLAPSE from it?? BUT we STILL FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT. That frightening time ENABLED us to HEAR & SEE & LISTEN to SOCIALS & "DAMAGED" 'FONI that otherwise were hidden, and the SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM WAS FRONTING & TALKING! So we actually GREW from this, in SELF-KNOWLEDGE & SELF-COMPASSION. And it's showing us WE ARE STRONG, EVEN IN OUR SUFFERING.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● FINISHED THE HEADSPACE COLLAGE. Now we have a VISUAL REMINDER of WHAT MATTERS, and it OPENED UP HONESTY + DIALOGUE about the TRUTH of US-- and allowed us to connect with DONNA'S "SYSTEM"!
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2, in the FRONT ROW. Man if I wasn't already in love THAT WOULD'VE DONE IT. Watching her again, my heart was a firework. I NEEDED to feel that again, SO BADLY. And I also needed to remember that SHE struggles, too. So we can help EACH OTHER get through it all.

What could you do to make next week better?
● PRAY MORE. Seriously. DON'T LOSE FAITH.
● LOVE MORE. And BE SPECIFICALLY ATTENTIVE about it! Spend QUALITY TIME with SPECIFIC PEOPLE. Just BE with them.
● Just LIVE AS A SYSTEM, TOGETHER. The reason you're miserable is because you're CUT OFF FROM YOUR HEART & SOUL. Listen, no matter WHAT HAPPENS in life, in treatment or back in the apartment, or with family, YOU CAN ONLY FACE IT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW THIS. PLEASE. YOUR LIFE WILL ONLY BE TRULY RECOVERED IF YOU LIVE IT IN LOVE!!! SO START DOING THAT NOW, TOGETHER.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
PLEASE STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO ALWAYS EAT THE MOST "DIFFICULT/ FRIGHTENING" OPTIONS. You're NOT A COWARD for just WANTING TO HAVE A NICE MEAL SOMETIMES!!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
3 / 5
Added Karofate to the meds & it has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced purge-trigger symptoms. Getting antsy though; not wanting to sit down & trying to "sneak in" exercise. I WANT TO BUILD MUSCLE but there's STILL SO MUCH FEAR OF "FAT." So the exercise is ALSO aiming to "BURN IT OFF." Some serious thoughts about going RIGHT BACK TO KETO. Scared, but at least recognizing this is concerning. Refusing to purge EVEN with awful pain/ reflux/ bloating. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. Committed to NOT ABUSE THIS POOR BODY ANYMORE.

Average mood this week:
2.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4.5 / 5


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(SPECIAL GROUP BONUS EDITION!)


TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. ANXI'S *INCIDENT* PRELUDES
2. SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY CHALLENGES
3. LIVING MORE MULTIPLE
4. REFUSING TO GIVE UP

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
HAPPY
NUMB
TEARFUL
SAD
IN LOVE
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:

★ KISSING ANXI. ♥
★ TALKING TO ANXI & LAURIE. ♥

★ BEAUTIFUL morning talks with the System during day prep

★ Singing "happy birthday" over the phone to the fam's voicemail & later getting to tell Excalibur over the phone personally

★ Talking to DN about SYSTEMS and FINALLY feeling "SEEN/ HEARD"

★ The embrace + LOOK that RH gave me when she left

★ SOCIALS FRONTING WITH MJ!!!
★ HALLOWEEN FRONTING (especially MIMIC & CHAOS 0)

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
✳ TALK TO MORE NOUSFONI & LET MORE OF US FRONT FREELY
✳ STOP ABUSING OURSELF WITH THE MENUS + TALKING OVERLOAD
✳ STOP FORCING TRAUMA FOODS!!!
✳ MAKE REAL, SIGNIFICANT RECOVERY PROGRESS
✳ Feel HOPEFUL about GOING "HOME"; being CONFIDENT that I WILL BE HAPPY & SAFE & CREATIVE & HEALTHY even there (LIVE AS US)
✳ POUR MYSELF OUT & BURN MYSELF UP IN SYSTEM LOVE-- BRING MY HEART BACK TO LIFE
✳ NOT LOSE HOPE.

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● SINGING KARAOKE SOLO IN GROUP!
● FINISHED THE "HEADSPACE" COLLAGE!
● SURVIVED HALLOWEEN!
● OPENLY ADMITTED OUR D.I.D.!
● ALSO "CAME OUT" AS GENDERQUEER
● TONS OF JOURNALING AGAIN!
● CONTINUING SOY RE-CHALLENGES
● OWNED UP TO MY MISTAKES
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2! ♥

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
1) FINALLY WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2 ♥
2) SO MANY OF US FRONTING ♥
3) ANXI, 100% ♥
✳ EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED UPSTAIRS. Physical life was scary & difficult, BUT there was STILL SO MUCH LOVE INSIDE, it LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE. I want to live FOR and IN it.

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
4.5 / 5