050923

[prismaticbleed]

 
Waking up every morning, and not being dead, is just... it's so strange.
Every night I go to sleep now just not expecting to ever wake up again.
And then I do.
Everything is in God's hands right now. That's all.


Morning mass & adoration
Special honor of staying unexpectedly

Wegmans stop
Genesis there as always i love him

SO TIRED.
BK prep lag as a result of pervasive confusion
Prayed together still

SO COLD too. Wore the moonsweater for the whole morning; could not get warm, still so weak.
Honestly I'm stunned & concerned that Overload hasn't been triggered by the sensory noise. Is it just being muffled by the fatigue? OR is it because she's a SOCIAL and all our internal focus PREVENTS triggers on her level??? Because honestly if we were in public & therefore unplugged you KNOW she'd likely get dragged out in an instant-- remember church w mom. BTW THAT IS A DIFFERENT PERSON, the triggered root is DIFFERENT FROM PHYSICAL SENSE and so there is someone BESIDES OVERLOAD that is triggered by a SIMILAR ANCHOR, but one TIED DIRECTLY TO TRAUMA/TERROR MEMORY.

Scalpel is now an official member of the egg-cutting crew, haha
It also hit me just how open Razor is now, how "like herself" she is. Back in 2013 when she was still frighteningly corrupt she WAS open like this, communicative & unafraid, but somehow down the line she got muffled & docile? Like she was anesthesized. Maybe Infi had something to do with that. Because Knife "mellowed out" BUT it was NATURAL. His Pink heart got its saturation back, he lost that grungy overtone, and his real self shone through. But he STILL, to this day, HAS THAT EDGE of authority and determination and dedication, that his initial dark-Claret vibe carried up front, sheathed in grave violence. But Razor got muted, it was very unnatural.
In any case I'll pay closer attention to the Archives. Once I get them uploaded I am going to sit down and MARATHON READ them from 2008 on, chronologically. THAT will jumpstart our mind & heart for sure.
It'll also enable me to figure out better how to put our history into book format. That's still an absolute goal. If we can't draw, we can still write & edit. But God gave us each other, and we need to give what we've learned to others in return.

Anyway back to prep data
EVERYONE wanted to taste the marshmallow cereal
DIFFERENT OPINIONS!!!
I could feel that boggling the lotophagoi haha
But STILL that is vital awareness for them; will help fight absolutism & responsive compulsive forcing

Mimic & Chaos 0 joking w each other, about "can't trust a cephalopod" because of all the arms, etc. Laurie STOPPED THEM and said "hey, we don't joke about dishonesty" basically. Emphasized INTEGRITY even in jokes; do not make fun of virtue, even by exclusion, or treat vice passively.

Laurie in general re-pledging herself TO defend & exemplify Integrity & Truth, after reading about Saint Paul: bearing the proof-wounds of faithful perseverance, and going RIGHT BACK INTO LYSTRA. Absolutely fearless for God. Laurie wants to be our channel for that grace so we ALL become so unflinchingly devoted, true soldiers of God.
ALSO JOHN 8. Christ IS TRUTH made visible. Truth can be resisted, attacked, slandered, denied, etc. But TRUTH CANNOT BE KILLED and it WILL catch up with EVERY soul in the end!!
☆"The truth is not something abstract; it is something which must be done (John 3:21). It is something which must be known with the mind, accepted with the heart, and acted out in the life."

Jewel saying "Soli Deo Gloria" was her motto, "I finally have one"

Sharona reading meditations for the day
Peacemaker one said something so acutely convicting, but tenderly so?
Immediately moved me to go up to Chaos 0 "let's fix this together. Please don't give up on me; I promise I'll never give up on you"
The look in his eyes, the way he reached out to me, honestly it felt like a spring morning, all water lilies and wild roses
Sharona tearing up in the body from the weight of the effervescence

Looking at NASA "bones of galaxy" photo. Numinous. " How could you see something like this and not believe in God"

Typing this brief update now. Remember to add rough notes for weekend, if there's any memory.
Also try to remember what Mimic said during Bible study on Friday, I think. I can still see how he looked, that shockingly quiet smile, with the sunlight coming in through the window.
He's still changing. I can feel it all under the surface, like chromatophores swirling. I'm still not sure what world will ultimately anchor him (we need jargon for that, for the Link "soulstrings" grounding into an actual new world) but honestly I think Jewel will need to TOUR them??? Like heartspace USED to!! He needs to FEEL where he fits. Ultimately its HIS HEARTS DECISION.
And remember, Rio & Markus STARTED THEIR OWN from the dust they had left of memory, building a new history & context for themselves entirely. That is VERY IMPORTANT for all outspacers, the possibility & reality of such a total "rebirth"-- to almost become an INSPACER instead.
IS that the ultimate ideal???? LOOK INTO THIS

ALSO make a list of ALL OUTSPACERS, old & new, who NEED to find their matching Leagueworld.

Anyway BIBLE STUDY
Still enraptured by John 1 Commentaries
...

Afterwards hit by the inevitable hunger + panic
Decided to peel & chop ALL the carrots
Listening to Bishop Robert Barron of course
THE TRINITY SERMON. IT PIERCED STRAIGHT INTO OUR MULTIPLE HEART.

DN decided to have the 3wishes instead of triscuits, protein boost. Hopefully our stomach likes them.
On that note, remembering & realizing through experience how speaking of the body as a COLLECTIVELY OWNED RESPONSIBILITY and NOT AS A SINGLE "SELF" allows for compassion, respect, care, patience, etc.!!

DN for 615. Trying to shift the day schedule up permanently, to allow for night events w family + personal work, and mass + holy hour first thing in the morning

Psalm 106 TRIGGERBOMB
Time loss, totally out of mind
Small binge but highly disturbing
Felt possessed. 100% female mindset, always that wild-eyed rabid terrified mania. No reason, just ritualized abuse.

Redid dinner at 7pm
Read commentary on John 1 again instead
Headspace upsettingly quiet, but Godphone ringing off the hook

Xenophon showed up somewhen as we were cleaning?
Memory FINALLY picks up as J leaves the apartment to take out recycling
Virtually nothing prior to that. Scary how ED symptoms literally erase self-awareness.

Nihilistic depression crash
Got morbidly lost on Tumblr, immediately deleted the cursed app again

Feeling so dead & empty inside. No emotions for so long. Why. Feeling estranged from God. Feeling too dumb & evil & weak & cowardly & stupid & feminine to be good, or holy, or strong, or real, or forgiven, or worth anything. Disgusting trains of thought

...