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[prismaticbleed]

(massively unfinished entry; will clean up & complete later; posting for honesty's sake)


Very vague bulletpoint entry today because my brain is not working but I must commit to keeping track of things, with so much happening lately.

Today was GAUDETE SUNDAY so of course we wore rose! Have to cantor TWO backtoback masses, which is tiring but joyful. Looking forward to it.
Only got 6 hours of fitful sleep so it was very difficult to get out of bed. BUT. It was super dark outside and when we looked out it was FIXIN' TO SNOW, so that gave us enough hope to power through.
We packed BOTH a breakfast & a lunch because not only did we have three masses to attend, but then we HAD to go grocery shopping (we were out of a few essentials sadly because of destructive nousfoni) and THEN there was a little choral concert at our local church! So we were definitely going to be on the road for at least eight hours.

We sang two songs that we list as "favorites"-- "Lo How A Rose E'er Blooming" and "Creator Of The Stars Of Night." We love the first because we first heard it on a now-gone Soundcloud account for some small Prog band, on a Christmas album they uploaded, and it was an a cappella version which was GORGEOUS. We saved all the tunes and still listen to that album every year. As for the second, every performance I hear of it is disappointingly flat and repetitive? But we have a vague "memory awareness" of some VERY haunting arrangement of it, and THAT'S what has rooted the love of it in our heart. Plus the lyrics alone are beautiful; we really want to cover it on our own, and "do it justice" in expressing how it makes us feel, to the glory of God.

We were very tired and dissociated but Mass was lovely as usual, and we sang decently well. No "fainting" or not being able to breathe like the old days, geez that was terrifying, I don't know how that became our "normal."

When we walked out of the church it was SNOWING LIKE HEAVEN. Big fat fluffy flakes and that gorgeous scent of ice in the air. We took a tiny video of it on our phone to remember the joy of the moment.

...

Most important headspace note for today:
MIMIC WAS AROUND.
Oh he was around last night, too-- I didn't update yesterday because honestly it was a bit of a hellday in terms of stress BUT for inexplicable reasons Mimic has been "accessible" in headspace. I think it's that famous "communication boost" that new Outspacers always seem to get when they first are "confirmed" as having an anchor/place in our innerworld. But he's showing up ON HIS OWN and he DOESN'T LIKE TO LEAVE. I'm not looking for him, or even trying to ping him. He just like... strolls in, and sits down, and watches. Comments. Scoffs sometimes. He's got that edge and although he's definitely been "warming up" over the past 24 hours (because he's spent a LOT of them with us in headspace ambience; that will affect an Outspacer whether they like it or not, just like it affects all of US when there's a "change in the air" internally), he is quite brusque and even snarky? Very blunt overall, but a bit acerbic, and stubborn! And he's SMART, but he uses that almost as a weapon-- he always seems to be thinking of how to "come out on top" of any situation, to make sure he's in the best position, and always gets the last word in. It's really interesting when he and Laurie end up talking; they have some general things in common but their attitudes are actually notably different; still I can tell they like locking horns, so to speak-- I think they're both learning from each other. Nevertheless, we all have to be honest and admit that for ALL Outspacers, our primary goal has to be transformation, so to speak. If someone who is canonically brutal shows up in OUR innerworld, well... just like Laurie, they're gonna have to transmute a lot of those edges if they want to stick around. And some DON'T. But... I'm kind of hoping Mimic will. The way his "self" has translated into headspace is... interesting, haha. He is FRUSTRATING but I do like what I see beneath that difficult exterior.
But man oh man, you know how I was talking about researching this guy and then still committing to reaching out to him being a "labor of love?" I WASN'T KIDDING. Honestly last night I was actually getting very upset with him because he's like BARRY was when he first showed up-- still totally stuck in that vicious attitude and not wanting to change-- at least, not without a bloody good reason. Me & Mimic half-argued for like a solid hour around 11pm about his behavior and motivations and moral code, with a lot of debate about "fear" and "survival" and "pride" and "strength" and the like, generally. Basically, I was trying to get some actual insight/answers as to WHY he was prone to backstabbing-- literally and figuratively-- and what he was trying to achieve by such behavior. Like don't you feel any empathy or remorse at pulling knives on people? Why not? And what are you after, with all this? Why all the lies? Why the mercenary attitude, refusing to commit to anything completely? Why are you so afraid of losing, or of being taken advantage of, to the point where you'll do that to others? Basically I was interrogating him about all the things that genuinely upset me morally, and he was throwing the questions back at me as both offense and defense; asking me why i was asking at all, what's it to you, why is it your business, etc. Several times he asked me what I would have done, and determined to be sincere I'd admit when I did have troubles with violence and hypocrisy and dishonesty as well, he'd sneer almost and start interrogating me. It was a TRIP, let me tell you. In a weird way I almost enjoyed the wrangling, even though I was legit almost pissed off by the end, and had to almost excuse myself. Like I WANT to get through to this guy but it's not going to happen overnight and his mindset has deep roots that are NOT going to be pulled up without severe damage; that's not my goal anyway. I'm about transformation, not tearing-apart. I want to know WHY he's seemingly content to be the "bad guy" and I want to UNTANGLE that so that he and I both get insight into the situation, which admittedly takes a heck of a lot of vulnerability and scathing self-honesty, and that is REALLY DIFFICULT, for me as well. But I see him defending his violent & turncoat history, justifying his hard-hearted outlook, and although I get angry at it I'm also aching for the poor guy. He might not feel it but you can't live in such a recalcitrant way without being miserable at the end of the day. Like how do you sleep at night? He'll smirk and respond "like a baby" and I'll retort "you don't seem the sort to cry yourself to sleep" and he'll bite back "listen, I did what I had to do, I don't waste time on second-guesses." "It sounds like you're fighting an inclination to, though." etc. etc. etc.


He HAS brought up the dream, once or twice. He knows it was a dream.
He won't discuss it though.

The clearest acknowledgement I got of it was, when we were unpacking, I mentioned that I actually bought the lingonberry yogurt that the dream had inexplicably referenced. "I thought of you," I offhandedly mentioned. He scoffed and kind of commented this off, but later on, as the headspace gang was chatting during the drive, he equally offhandedly "reminded me" to "let him know" when I was going to try it.
There are some spots of warming-up, which give me so much hope and determination to not give up on the guy. He's got so many walls up, just like Laurie used to.

...


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Genesis & I went shopping, and of course I was dissociating horrifically, but we made it through okay.
More and more folks are hanging around the "Central lookout" area in headspace where they can speak directly to whoever is fronting, and that helps SO MUCH.


SNOW DRIVING AFTER CHURCH & ERRANDS.
had barely an hour, didn't want to shop more, "the emergency" came up on spotify and chaos 0 dared me to drive up mile hill. to our dream spot. in the snow.
so we did.

MIMIC just said "windows down, volume up" and when we had did so he smirked, nodded approvingly, and just stuck his head out the window to absolutely marvel at the snow.
"you've never seen snow before, huh"
he got defensive at that but it didn't last. that's one thing about mimic-- he does take offense, but he doesn't get outbursts like chaos or even genesis. his verbal retorts sting, but they're not flames. laurie is an axe, chaos is a hurricane, mimic is just that pocket dagger. it hurts, yeah, and it's very precise, but it's nowhere near as deadly as some of the folks up here can be when they're pushed too far. 
honestly i don't think mimic can "snap." i don't sense it in him at all. i mean yeah, he'll do some seriously underhanded stuff that can be VERY deadly but as a person, he's not going to fly off the handle. he does everything "at a distance." even with pulling knives on people. he's still got that level demeanor. dark, threatening, dangerous, but not an explosion. never manic red or screaming yellow. he's indigo. and we know all about that color up here, let me tell you.
chaos especially.
i'm actually kind of scared at the thought of those two talking, haha. geez.


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2pm lunch WHILE DRIVING! 

Choir concert!

More shopping
INFI, XENNIE, & MIMIC and the lemonade apples
mimic "daring" me & socials to face obsessive fears
IT WORKED???????? apparently we're VERY responsive to DARES instead of ORDERS.

KISSING LAURIE & GENESIS

Got home for like 6PM WTF.
Laurie helping me unpack

Mimic just "walked in" AGAIN while we were prepping dinner
kneejerk frustration on my part?? bizarre. like yeah i care for this guy but geez the first week or so is always SO ROUGH and it demands all my attention and this guy is a MASSIVE EFFORT CASE. my brain just hurt; the guy's got a wit like a whip and he's always subtly "on guard," except for some very rare moments i've noticed.


Sunchip nousfoni cooperation
Julie talking a LOT; color & attitude "reverting" in a positive manner?

Dinner around 7
very dissociated but xenophon helped a lot, god bless her

Almost triggered a binge with extra apple
I SHOWED UP and stopped it; chose mercy instead for ALL parties

Backing up religious tumblr
Listening to random radio tunes on Spotify? No idea what genre this is but we actually enjoy almost every song they've played. Reminds me a lot of old days with Genesis


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...Mimic, Laurie & I had a HUGE argument of sorts tonight.


Dammit I want him to be happy, I want to see him freed from this self-made hell, from the lying and manipulation and running and hiding. He flat-out accused me of "projection" about that and I confessed "yeah, i'll admit, that is definitely part of this. but why the heck can't we both heal from this together??"

He keeps asking me about my faith, especially about how I keep talking about love and forgiveness and all that. "Why me" and "I don't deserve this" being answered by my beliefs about mercy and "love doesn't have "deserve" in its vocabulary" etc.
But Mimic doesn't take anything at face value. I actually really love that about his attitude, as much as it can drive me up the walls. He will insist I back up what I say. No platitudes, you explain everything you claim. If I'm trying to argue my case with him, he will try to stab holes in my argument until he's satisfied that it's sturdy enough for him to respect & consider. It's so ironic, getting this response from someone else who obviously can lie to cover their tracks in a cinch. My mom does this too. We're so used to our own tendencies to be dishonest, even with "good intentions" or "good reasons," that we assume that everyone else is playing us for a fool. Even subconsciously. It's hell. He won't admit-- or even acknowledge-- that outright, but it's an inevitable situation. There's no such thing as "peace" in that kind of outlook.



...Aha, ahaha, I knew it, I'm on issue #3 page 13 and this is breaking my heart,
..He really is scared. "I prefer to play for the winning team" but then "I'm free to go, correct?"
And trying to spare Whisper. Stuttering. Hands up in protective panic. And bloody Eggman-- "finish the job, or I finish you."
...Listen I have enough simmering rage against that man from Chaos's history.

And then Whisper herself. "Never forget. Never forgive."
...while here I am, like a fool perhaps, insisting that you don't need to forget in order to forgive.

"what he did is unforgiveable"


but that one panel. that ONE PANEL where he's LOOKING AT HIS HANDS
and then he says, "they weren't my friends,"
listen dude and i say this with genuine love but shut up, I KNOW what you're doing, I'VE DONE IT.
you can't answer her honestly because one, that makes you vulnerable. two, you don't want to even feel that yourself. three, you can't regret what you won't admit. so. "not my friends," means "i'm not sorry," means "you can't use them against me because i don't actually care," means putting more ice and barbed wire around your heart.
but oh i believe that you believe every word you're saying. i did, too, when I'd do the same. you tell yourself something long enough that it "becomes true." you take one tiny aspect that "matches what you did" and blow it totally out of proportion until it overshadows everything.
you're telling a half-truth and you're trying to bury the other half. "friendship is a weakness" well sure it is, but weren't you and laurie just feuding over this? 


also reading the fight with tangle, it strikes me that this guy does not know how to fight? or, at least, he fights dirty. there's no apparent "choreography," no elegance to it. it's a tussle. tangle goes after him with punches and he blocks the first and backs off from the second. he gets winded. heck tangle even trips him when he's trying to be sonic! yes he's clever, but for all his efforts and intelligence, something seems to be lacking. it interests me.
in any case he uses very blunt combat. kneeing tangle in the stomach, whacking her with her own tail. his movements seem almost clumsy at times? his offensive actions are weirdly defensive in my eyes. no outright attacks. whenever he brandishes that blade he doesn't actually swing it. does he want to? or is he hinging everything on it as a threat? also, when facing whisper, he gets clocked TWICE, and when she swings the hammer at him he winces. like flat-out cowers. and when he gets the wispon he still doesn't fire. i wonder if he even wants to.
lastly when he seriously has to "off" people it's secondhand. the shadow android room. the locked safe and the bombs. he's never there. he doesn't stick around to see anything. and of course he's a shapeshifter, and so far every time i've seen him use that skill it's to avoid fighting. to psychologically manipulate people. to "handicap" them. even though he's allegedly a trained soldier i wonder if deep down his heart's in it at all. or if he's "shapeshifted" himself into this role for lack of any better option. yeah he's fighting, his whole life is about fighting and running, but he just wants to disappear. get what he wants and get out. at least that's what i'm getting so far.
in any case he's fascinating. but no wonder he's so freakin' paranoid & underhanded. dude's got no bones to begin with.


"i've heard such promises before. cages, cells, prison eggs-- i've escaped them all. and i'll escape this, too."
"i'd rather you have pulled the trigger"
mimic my notsogood octopus what have you been through


...


(continue & conclude)