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[prismaticbleed]

 
(disjointed entry. very unfinished. need to post anyway because we're falling into neglect)

 

Woke up feeling disgusting 
Our sleep has been so disturbed lately.

 

Case manager phone call, asked how we were doing, mainly therapy i think

Got the guts to message rep payee afterwards, explained our fear of punishment, told her what bills we had to pay, stuttered the entire time. but did it!

 

Went to Walmart to buy cayenne mainly 
Determined to do it. scalpel kept saying "you don't have to, we can wait until monday" but i said nah, this was better-- i felt so cruddy from the morning that doing some little act of affection for a fellow system member should help get my brain back in a better position, at least on that note.

 

car songs on shuffle: It Bites (Castles) & Everything Everything (Breadwinner; the song we "met" Scalpel through)

Played some league tunes when we lost internet on the way home; but felt acute embarrassment? afraid of being "mocked & jeered" if anyone "heard them"

 

Breakfast at 1pm 
so so hungry. waited too long. 
even so. definitely worth the trip to get the spicy stuff restocked. system focus. no regrets in that regard.

 

Xennie talking to Laurie 

Knowledge of growing up vs innocence of childhood: i asked if she regretted it

"Both yes and no" = although she didn't like knowing about bad things, now she knows about the people who suffer from them, and so now she can truly love them where they are, as they are, and understand their pain, and truly care. She couldn't love them in totality without that understanding. She couldn't fight for them 

"Laurie maybe that's why the Spectrum us letting you know more things now. So you can love people more completely, and you can understand what you're fighting for." 

 

Mimic point-blank asking about what are these "God's promises" we keep mentioning? Especially the Bible app, everyone references them but never explains. Made me think; I actually didn't know either? 
he ALWAYS asks. always sticks around for faith-talk because 1. it's the focus of our system life and 2. the first day he talked to me in the car, that ended up coming up as a topic. me explaining my values of mercy and forgiveness and such. i remember how contrary he was, haha. he takes nothing at face value and on that first day it was ticking me off, to be blunt. like i got legit angry at how he insisted at picking apart everything i said, playing "devil's advocate" as it were and refusing to "just nod along" to what i said. we were basically arguing by the time i got back to the apartment. but... honestly, i was so glad. i was so happy he had his edges still. he wouldn't be him without them. yes i wanted to see him having a different future. brighter, better. but that takes time, and effort, and free choice. it's a lot of work and a lot of love. he's not a "project" or an "achievement" like a lot of people do when they proselytize and stuff. i'm not interested in that, i'm interested in sharing the heart of our system and offering a space in it for him if he wants. but yeah, faith is intrinsic to us. and god knows i am trying VERY HARD to be a "good example" of the values i discuss, WHILE admitting every time i fail miserably. trying very hard. he's gone from "eavesdropping" and making froward comments, to asking cutting questions, to just wanting to listen, to actually sitting with us and joining the discussion.
it means a lot. geez we really need to get the other outspacers in on this. i wonder why mimic's the first one. wonder why i feel more strongly attached to him than i ever expected to, even when he's a pain in the ass, haha. i care deeply about him though.
 
Anyway. I started thinking aloud about the whole "promise" thing, trying to voice what I understood so far, what I didn't, and what we would need to clarify. Transparency of process.
I mused that, since God IS Truth, everything He says IS True as well. So, by virtue of that fact, if God says He is going to do something, that IS a "promise," even if it's not stated as such! Like when Jesus says, in essence, "I am going to prepare a place for you, so that you can be with Me where I am." That's a promise. It's not just a statement. If He said it, He WILL do it. And... I never thought of it like that before.
I've started an empty notefile on the phone to copy+paste any and all instances I find of that in Scripture as I read it. I know there are websites online, listing "God's promises," but... in the past they always felt weirdly distant? detached? It never helped me understand, let alone appreciate. So... I'm doing this effort myself. That's vital in the faith, really-- you can't outsource any relationships, especially not the one you must have with your Creator for heavens sakes. That's the most personal thing ever, inevitably, but... we don't think of it as such, we humans, not typically. I know I sure haven't. It's all so new to me. My upbringing in the faith was not very nice, or explanatory, or even kind. Lots of fire & brimstone. Lots of platitudes and "Jesus loves you!" but also "Jesus doesn't want to look at you because He's disgusted with your sins" etc etc. Prayer as punishment, faith as a letter grade, you get the picture. I only HAVE faith now because of the System.
 

I ended up paraphrasing Adam & eve, vs Christ, in terms of life vs death, knowledge being godly only when tied to Wisdom? "Being like God" means power AND love, Adam & eve WERE already like God in a better sense than knowledge & strength alone

The only power that endures is power of the heart, it CANNOT be taken away from you 

"Spiritual genetics" = Adoption into God's family; Incarnation "reprogrammed" humanity the same way Adam did, passed on through BLOOD 

 

"You can't be reborn into a new life without dying to the old one"

 

After breakfast, crashed hard energy-wise. Sat down and tried to find another Picrew generator to use.
We scrolled through fifty bloody pages but there was SO much ugly art. i'm sorry but honestly it was repulsive. misshapen and lazy and sloppy.

Got super depressed looking at it. plus disgusting suggestive ads all over the site. tried to avoid them but they were everywhere. made us nauseous and furious.
so fed up with the internet, and the apparent "creative atmosphere" of it. the stupid fads and memes and aesthetics. wanted to just go offline forever and forget all that garbage exists.

 

Late for church as a result. crashed our mood even more

 

Got home, immediately biked for 90m

Said joyful rosary

Picture trouble? we apparently saved every picture we stumbled across of the mysteries and many of them are detrimental. pictures where mary & the angels are scowling, or with expressions that seem smug or disgusted or completely hollow. that is not what we need to see when praying.
Need to clean up those folders, ONLY keep files where people show actual emotion and/or are portrayed in a sincere and beautiful manner. so so tired of "white american blonde girl mary" too. that's a big reason why we never liked her as a child/teen, i will confess that. we were actually scared of her and a little angry too? didn't like how she always looked. felt threatening and gross. mary mom i'm sorry but it was the trauma junk. but then we started seeing orthodox pictures of her, and images of "our mother of sorrows" and "our lady of la salette" and we loved her. suddenly she looked good and caring and okay. amazing what art can do to our brain.

but yeah too much judgment being dragged up from our disturbed soul looking at those upsetting works of art, with the bad faces and stuff. Really getting sick of my brain w this
 

Listened to some Spotify after, still biking.

 

Dinner prep talking to Chaos 0

somehow ended up about the "moon" analogy i read about years ago? how, according to some, "enlightenment" (aka "the correct way of thinking") is when you look at the moon and just see the moon. no other thoughts. and i was saying how that actually infuriated me, or actually broke my heart, same feeling different interpretation... because it felt so callous? and if that was "wisdom" then god let me be stupid. because some people look at the moon and see other things. they see memories, or symbols, or ideas. and so many people look at the moon, and the beauty of it makes them remember the beauty of someone they love. and i said i never got that, the moon never affected me as such, but i ended up thinking about how the moon and the ocean are connected, among other things, etc etc. Trying too hard to talk. not sure what i wanted to say, so disturbed from the day so far. i kept mixing myself up. but i was trying.

chaos stopped me at one point, i was apologizing and in frustrated tears. he said jewel it's okay, he knows i love to use words but reminded me how i love to say that his "native language" is emotion, the heart of things. and he could feel what i was trying to verbalize, even if it wasn't translating. then... he compared it to waiting for rain. he said he could "sense" the feeling in me like you can scent lightning, or water in the air, and how you feel the breeze picking up and all. the clouds moving in. and the whole time, all this is dancing around the reality of rain, and you know it will happen, but when? a few raindrops fall but still you wait. it's not quite here yet. but it's not a bad waiting, it's a joyful waiting. and he said that's what it's like for him, listening to me talk paragraphs around one little precious core of an emotion. that one sentence i'm trying to build up to and conclude with. and he doesn't mind the waiting because he loves everything about the process. and he loves me.
...that moved me so, so much. he rarely says things so deep to me-- he's more of a listener, a feeler-- but when he does, man i remember it forever. it hits me right between the ribs. god bless him he's amazing

 

Dinner at 715

Studying 1 Corinthians 13 w Chaos 0, Xenophon, & Mimic 

Called Laurie over for verse 7 NIRV
"[Love] always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up."

Verse 10 TPT had CZ in tears 
"Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial (in fragments)... but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away."

 

Cleaned up quickly, got breakfast ready for church

Thinking of further altering the diet plan? Less fiber (we're at 50g currently geez), only 1400k? Want to lose some of the excess weight, to decrease the disturbing dysphoria 

Found ONE nice picrew after getting everything ready for bed. hated how i had "ragequit" and wanted to give it another chance. always that hope of mine. "i don't want to end this on a bad note, i am sure there is still good in this, i just need to find it." and i did. thank you lord

ultimately stayed up until 2am making avatars of system people god bless
went on scherzando for a while, couldn't remember what jeremiah used to wear specifically? and wanted to check. ended up melting my heart from how much i miss everyone, how much i love everyone, it just crashed into me so hard.
spent a solid hour just looking through old innerworld photos with Laurie, Lynne, & Julie 
So so happy. I miss this, I miss us. all of us. the beauty of our shared life. the beauty of the light and love we are all living testaments to, no matter how much darkness we've faced.
actually felt more hope than i have in... probably years. dead serious.
i will post the pictures once i clean up this entry, and maybe edit the pictures? color options are limited so they're not entirely accurate and accuracy is vital. we'll see.

bravely put Celebi's anchor plush back on the bed.

ah. you guys don't know about that yet.
let me quick update to elaborate on later.
 

After yesterday's update, as we got ready for bed, we ended up talking to Celebi.
I forget how it came up. I was talking to Laurie, Chaos 0, Infinitii I think, and Scalpel??
But...
...I mentioned the "other child."
The blue one.

We think it's hers.

She's always, always had that egg from the future. Now we know why.

I don't think I ever mentioned the other "potential children," did I? At least, not in recent years. Xenophon was the first-- the embryo found in the bloody sink. But there were two more, one found in a paintblot, and the other found in the same sink as Xennie i think? it's not written down. but pareidoliac revelations, each one entire and sudden and hitting hard as a punch to the gut. like i see it and i know. there's always a knowing, i recognize it, it's different from how other things are sensed-- nousfoni, outspacers, moralimon, etc. these little creatures feel completely different from everything else and that "ping" hits inside. like i feel it pull at my heart. and i know, as terrifying as that conviction is, that they are tied to me somehow.

...it's an awful, awful topic. i can't discuss it here, not completely. not now.
but... with all the years of abuse and trauma, and all the hope i still have, all the love i have despite the absolute horror... well. faith is a thing. and i know this stuff exists for a reason. and that's the reason.
so deep down, i have this iron will that all that misuse gets redeemed, no matter what.
the graves are one thing. they were mournful penance for loss, for the sins endured and allowed and enabled, reminders of the death i was causing by my refusal to fight back.
but... there was never anything to fix or repair the abuse of something sacred in my own right.
god knows i tried too hard to "get things right" and just ended in disaster. can't talk about that.
even so. heart was in the right place, technically. wanting to "get the pink color back." purify it. heal it.
all the memories locked away.
but. prayers, always. "god please make something good come out of all that disaster anyway. i know you can. only you can. please. bring light from that darkness anyway."
and
well, xenophon was found.
and now the others are being remembered.

sorry. not doing this justice. brain refusing to get near the trauma memories. disjointed.

but yeah. huge revelation. been keeping it to myself for like two, three days now.
told celebi tonight. like the old days with jayce, she took it hard. very emotional. yelled at me for a bit. but didn't run away. tried to, stopped. said she needed to process this. lots of tangled emotions. understandable.
said she wants to talk to me about it personally soon.
not sure if she mentioned old memories or not. i should find them in the archives anyway. i think that's the only way this "child" will ever come to term as it were. otherwise it will stay in this state forever, or die. probably the latter, now that it's been "realized" as a child, completely out of the blue. now if the attention and concern fades, so will its tiny life. i refuse to let that happen. refuse.
celebi has it in that egg. she first tried to give it to infinitii, to hold in hir bodysphere, but then decided no, i want to carry it. need to come to terms with the reality of it. i think she'll manage that better than me, i haven't thought about it at all, totally cut off from that part of our core history

exhausted. going to sleep.
will refine this later when our brain is working.