1023 rant

[prismaticbleed]

When did my life start to revolve around sex?
It’s scary because it does and it doesn’t.

Somewhere along the line I got numb to it. I stopped being scared, I stopped fighting back, I stopped having an opinion on it.
Sex became something totally neutral, something so detached from reality and awareness that it was “nonexistent” to my brain, even when it was happening to me.

Like for example. Right now. Just the thought of sexual contact is making my whole body shake with fear, but I’m not “feeling” anything but this distant, awfully childlike want to just weep and go to sleep and cry and cry and cry forever. Curl up in a ball and never wake up again. But it doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, doesn’t do anything.
Dread used to hold that. I think maybe he only holds it around other people who are a threat. When we’re alone… it feels like everything just shuts off, totally, everything but that uncontrollable nauseating fear, the nonstop shaking, the feeling of being helpless to the terror and wanting to vomit and scream and sob but being unable to do anything but shut down. God WHY.
I WANT TO FIGHT. I WANT TO FIGHT, IF THERE WAS A TANGIBLE PERSON DOING THIS I’D COME OUT AND STRANGLE THEM, I’D MAKE THEM WISH THEY NEVER SO MUCH AS THOUGHT AS HURTING US OR ANYONE.

But the people hurting us now are inside. Introjects. How do you fight them?
All the atonement only scars us. The hackers don’t care at all. The Retributors do their work in tears, heartbroken and furious and scared and exhausted. You can see it taking its toll on all of them. They’re so, so tired.

We’re so scared it’s debilitating. WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING.



We need to meditate more. Now that it’s winter, we need to get used to being safe alone.
But you know what’s ironic? With our eyes closed, We’re FINE. IMMEDIATELY the bad voices and forces go away. Immediately our mind is blank and calm and so serene. But the instant we open our eyes, it all starts to come back, a sickening flooding from the back of our skull, up around our temples. GO AWAY.

So really we need to be able to meditate with our eyes OPEN. That’s the real challenge.


I think what bothers me the most is that there ARE alters in this System who hold roles tied TO sexuality.
There’s a girl who’s only purpose is to “want heterosexual sex” in order to survive it. She has no sense of self, she’s sheer internalized behavior programming and its disgusting.
There’s a boy who is the same with girls? Or at least, those with that anatomy.

I don’t want to think about this