june 4 2016

[prismaticbleed]

I need to type.

I have been so miserable lately. It's stupid.
I know I need to trust in God with this but the problem is, all my problems are MY FAULT. It's all self-abusive idiocy and I know God doesn't want me treating myself this way and why do I always become this 'personality' when I type

There are parts of my consciousness that are locked into negative or otherwise harmful thought patterns, and she is one of them. She's the one that wrote most of the old Livejournal stuff, back in the late 2000s or so, and possibly later (I don't remember). She has that upsetting "proud" edge that hurts to even think about.


What needs to be said:
Lately, we have been miserable and exhausted.
We're tired. We're struggling with food but only because we keep doubting when God tells us "don't buy coconut," "don't buy oats," etc. because we keep falsely and foolishly thinking "but I'm supposed to eat it" for unknown reasons. As of late we have realized that those thought processes are obligatory and we do NOT agree with them; they simply feel "forced" and the parts of our mind like Jessica/Cecelia, Jezebel, etc. just give in and become enslaved.
The real issue is that we're just… scared? Tired, to the point of uncontrollable weeping whenever we get a free minute.
Food is war. Every time we have to eat, it's war. It shouldn't be. We're just so frightened of food, and of eating in general, that the very thought of it makes us start to cry and shake, BUT when we do eat, the abusive-proud-blasphemous girls take over and start to swallow everything in sight. That's probably why we're terrified; we still haven't figured out how to stay conscious when eating, enough to let Emmett out again, enough to actually treat food as a caretaking function and not as an abuse method.

We're so tired, though, all the time. No amount of sleep is enough. We have no free time lately. Most of that is because of the eating disorder, but the other half is that we still ironically feel that "we're not suffering enough" so we push until we break. I use "we" very loosely here, as "we" haven't been conscious in weeks either. It's all the anxious teenage girls who are both hyperreligious and convinced that God hates them and they will never be good.

We had like 60 tabs open to religious articles open in Chrome again, and then we wonder why we're mentally exhausted and start running from our faith. It feels suffocating, all logic and noise, and really all we want to do is turn everything off and PRAY in a way that doesn't feel like hell, but again we feel obligated to spend 4+ hours every night shoving reams of text into our already addled brains. Yes, it's good to have this information, but where's the quiet time to FEEL God's presence?
We're terrified of saying no to the reading. We're terrified that if we don't spend every free second reading the Bible or stockpiling saint quotes or struggling through a Rosary that we can "never say well enough," tormented by voices the whole time, that we're unforgivably evil-- a blasphemer, someone who rejects God, a soul damned to hell.

We live in constant shaking fear and maybe that's where the crying comes from too.
"Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness," Jesus said, and I still think that's at the heart of our eating disorder. We're starved for God, we have been since 2012, we're STILL mentally-temporally stuck in that summer, and we still feel like we're starving to death from a lack of God, even with mass every day and hours of religious reading and prayers every moment of the day we can manage. Even with near-constant communication with voices that claim to be God and Mary and the saints, even when we carry a rosary and crucifix and Miraculous Medal and small Bible everywhere, even then, even now, we're starving, and we're exhausted, and I just want to collapse on the floor and weep for hours and clear my head and just rest, but I can't. That's blasphemous. I have to suffer more, is the fearful reaction. "I have to suffer more, I'm not allowed comfort or relief, I have to pray until I pass out, I can never stop, I can never rest until I am dead, and even then it's only by God's judgment that I may get to heaven."
Deep down, it's frightening to realize that our "core human self" doesn't believe she will ever, ever get to heaven. Deep down she SOLIDLY believes that she is such sheer pure evil, that nothing will ever redeem her, that she cannot be virtuous, that she cannot overcome her sins because she IS a sinner by her very definition, and that no matter how she cries and begs and panics and prays, at the end of the day, she believes that God will abandon her to her sinfulness and she will go to hell forever and heaven will rejoice in the "loving, just decision to damn her for all eternity."
That's why we can't recover yet. THAT girl holds all the mental power in this. She's the one that keeps fronting, and keeps messing up, and keeps refusing to NOT mess up, because she cannot fathom being anything but a moral failure.

…

I miss existing.
I miss the days when we COULD go into headspace, without that girl hurriedly yanking the steering wheel away from us, saying that "anything that isn't God is blasphemy."
In her eyes, everything but constant hysteric prayer and studying is blasphemy. We're not allowed to laugh, or draw, or write music, or go outside and walk through the woods, or sleep, or love ANYTHING, because "it's not God, therefore it is evil and you will go to hell for it."
And that disturbs me, because if she cannot see God in anything BUT pure undiluted religion, what does she think the created universe is? Hell? I know we live in a damaged, lost world, but… I'm afraid too, I'll admit it. I'm so terribly afraid that by daring to suggest that all of it isn't evil, I'm committing heresy.
I want to say that, deep down, I still love Infinitii. I still love Chaos 0, somewhere way buried where I can't feel it anymore. I still want us to type, I still want us to compose music. I still think it's beautiful to go out and look at the stars at night, or the flowers during the day. But no, this girl will get a glimpse of it, then close her eyes and start praying fervently, afraid that by appreciating nature she will "become a pagan," and that it is "worshipping the creation and not the Creator." She will not (cannot?) love anything but God, but she can't love God either, not genuinely, not when she's ruled by fear, and cannot even comprehend that God could exist in created things, even if only as breath or reflection.
I don't know. Like I said, I'm scared too.
I'm scared because she says my very existence is heretical and she stomps me out whenever she sees me.

I'm in love, okay? I adore people in headspace, I love life, but I love That which created it all more than it all, of course. She doesn't understand that. She says loving anything but God is blasphemous and will "lead you away from heaven into hell." She says that ALL human relationships are sinful as a result.

I'm so exhausted. This can't be how a Christian is supposed to live, is it?
Why are we so miserable? Are we not praying enough? SHOULD we join a convent like she wants to, pray for 12+ hours a day, never seeing the outside world again? Would we feel peace at heart then? Would we finally feel like God was close enough to sense? Or is wanting that blasphemous too?

Is wanting to take a day off from constant religious study blasphemous? Is it a sin?
If I want to take ONE DAY to actually sleep, and then write some music, or maybe read, is that sinful? Will Jesus weep because I am not dedicating every waking moment to Him? But who said I wasn't???? If I am CONSTANTLY TRYING to live rightly, and to further God's plan in my actions, promoting virtues like honesty and humility and compassion and gentleness, am I ignoring God? I don't think so.
But… I'm scared. I'm so tired, and I'm so scared.
I'm also FURIOUS because this same girl keeps giving in to eating disorders, to wasting all our money on food that she will debate with God for hours every day over, "is this right," "I want to eat it, is it a sin," "if I cannot eat it what do I do," and then eventually giving in to bullshit and buying garbage that WE ALL KNOW IS GARBAGE but she won't listen to us because "we're not God," well she won't listen to God either in those situations because He's telling her "stop treating yourself like garbage" but she believes she is garbage and she's so tired and frazzled and self-loathing that her free will is shot and she just gives in to every screaming caustic temptation that gets shoved down her throat, even if she is literally weeping from fear, repeating constantly that she "doesn't want to do it," even as she does it. It's slavery to sin, and I don't know why she won't stop, I don't know why she thinks letting US drive, we who try to act on love, is such a horrific sin.

…

You see why we haven't updated lately. This is hell, as far as I'm concerned. This girl cannot feel God and she keeps weeping, she keeps abusing herself, we were in the E.R. for 6 bloody hours yesterday with 6 preceding hours slumped over the kitchen table in awful disorienting pain and fatigue while we waited for the doctors to call us back. And she still isn't fazed. She still went home and VOMITED, then refused to sleep until 2AM.
God, what do we do here????
You know I love You, even if I show it differently than her, but I am so terrified that if I go back to the largely bookless way of living we used to do, I'll go to hell.
I want to read the Bible like I do, I don't ever want to give that up. I want to keep praying, I want to read these saintly quotes and things, but the only difference is that God, my brain is exhausted and I'm too frightened to ask for a rest. There's so much reading, so much studying, so much recitation of prayers, and no introspection. With this girl, for the past several months, there has been nonstop busywork and NO ACTUAL INTERNAL PRESENCE. God, how are we supposed to grow in virtue as a child of Yours if we're being forbidden from self-examination and actual spiritual corrective work? If she won't let us exist on the inside, how are we supposed to untangle our bad habits and addictions and forced vices? How are we supposed to grow in virtue and love, how are we supposed to BE if she refuses to let ANY of us exist as people?
…
I don't get the constant "Jesus dialogue" that she does and that is scary, to not have the constant speech in my head in light of hers… but… what's even scarier is that so many times, she hears so many voices, and if she asks an alleged Mary or Jesus or saint if they love and adore and serve the One True God… they won't reply. They can't. And then I realize that they're not good voices at all.
…
Every single bad voice and demon she has ever heard runs away immediately when Laurie shows up. It never fails.
…what does that mean, in light of everything lately?
If headspace holds more love than the floating voices, if Laurie is willing to give me better and more helpful advice than any alleged angel that "Jess" (?) hears, if Infinitii's very presence can remind me of the presence and reality and love of God more than several hours of studying ever can or will, what does that mean?
…
That girl, the one who is so hyperreligious, cannot feel love or joy. I don't know why. I don't know how in the world that's even possible when she proclaims such dedication to God, and always looks to Him, and praises Him incessantly, but even then her smiles and exultations are at the edge of hysteria, all the obligatory "I mean this somehow but I don't understand or feel any of it" actions of someone who hates themselves so bitterly that loving anything is an alien concept, even when they want to, even when they know they should.

I'm so tired. We're getting bodyaches and the "ice breath" feeling that usually means we are severely lacking in sleep, so even if she is literally screaming in panic right now, I think we should go to bed instead of staying up and reading holy things for another 3 hours.
Is that a sin? Honestly, is it? Is it a sin to want to live as a prayer rather than refusing to live in order to pray? Where does one draw the line?
She does nothing but recite memorized prayers over and over and if I may be honest, even though I'm scared, I don't like to. Yes, they work, but they can become hollow and rushed too easily. If I cannot get the true sentiment into the words after 5+ tries, I am more likely to say an improvised OR wordless prayer instead, because what I really want to do is get that INTENTION up to God, regardless of the words it's packaged in. Is that wrong? Is that pride? I just want to show my honor and gratitude and love and praise for everything we have in a way that actually expresses it. Is it a sin if that doesn't always fit into an Our Father?
The "angry angel" voices scare me so much. They hover around our head, glaring at me, hissing "yes, it IS a sin, and you'll go straight to hell for it," reaching out to shake me brutally by the shoulders or shove me down onto the floor, claiming that "we were sent to glorify Christ by damning you" and "heaven will rejoice when you are sent to hell" and similar frightening things.
…
And they, too, disappear immediately when someone from headspace shows up.
It's because the people from headspace appear with love. Those "angels" don't.

Don't growl and hiss and condemn me. Stop screaming. God is Love, and if you cannot show love towards me, ("You don't deserve it," they shout through clenched teeth) then I'm going to seriously question your true allegiance.

I'm going to bed. I'm going to say night prayers as always but if I may be so daring I want to try to say them a little more "from the heart," less by-the-book, along with the memorized ones Jessica is actually in hysteric tears insisting I pray instead "or else."

She's so scared, and so sad, all the time. Is that a Christian's way of life? When they say the saints have to suffer, is that what they mean?

I have so much more to say about this, but we really should be in bed by 11pm. (Jessica says no, that's selfish, it's "luxury," she insists we should sleep as little as possible "as penance" but really the constant fatigue is not helping us be a better person. "It should," she says; "maybe increasing our suffering will teach us to be more humble and less selfish." Jess have you looked at your mood lately? You're so tired it's making you irritable and self-abusive. But she's so scared of feeling healthy, she's so legitimately terrified of NOT being sick, because she equates illness and weakness with holiness, that she will actively sabotage EVERY effort to make us function better. …No wonder she won't listen to God when He tells her to be kinder to herself. She doesn't believe that God could ask such a thing.)


We really, really need to try and clear our head tonight. Tomorrow is Sunday (which we hope is still the legitimate Sabbath; we've been getting so many conflicting sources over which weekend day it is but the Marian apparitions say Sunday so) which means it HAS to be a day of prayer no matter what, but it's also a day of family dinners and noise and our mom coming over with both, so it's terribly exhausting and we NEED to be able to stay conscious during that or we're going to fall into an automated unconscious cesspit of fatigued frustrated vice and self-abuse.
It's so ironic that the religious voices forbid headspace, when headspace is the only thing that has ever BEEN able to act in constant integrity even in those stressful situations.

I'll see you again soon; I promise I will try. There's a lot to discuss. Love you all.