religious depression

[prismaticbleed]

I'm so depressed.

I can't stop thinking about hell and damnation. I can't stop. I'm so afraid. I keep thinking about sin, sin, sin, all day long, and how horrible I am, and how I keep making mistakes and hurting people and hurting myself, and I am acutely aware of every little fatal error I make during the day and I am crushed with shame and guilt and panic and fear, fear, fear,


I'm terrified to do anything but pray.
I don't want to eat anymore. I keep messing up. I try very hard, but then I get these waves of overwhelming shame and I just throw up and throw out everything I bought.
Today I bought those hemp bites that I love, but I felt so guilty about buying "junk food" (they have sugar in them) that I threw out every single one. And now I want to cry, because that cost a LOT of money, and I enjoy them, but no, "enjoying them is a SIN because they are useless, they aren't real nutrition," so therefore God made me waste them to teach me a lesson, that I will NEVER find happiness or comfort or enjoyment in food, so stop trying. STOP TRYING. God will make you lose ALL your money if you keep spending it on shit like this, and he won't show mercy for your stupidity.

God, I'm so afraid. There's sin everywhere, but I'm scared of seeing the world that way?

Like… the whole modesty thing. "Cover yourself lest you cause someone to lust and sin!!" First of all, WHY do people lust in the first place. It's stupid. Nakedness is innocent and frankly it's pretty and lots of people in our System (mostly cores) appreciate the fact that the human body is just as fascinating a thing as ANY other body, and that has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.
So it's really annoying and heartbreaking and terrifying when people keep saying, "don't even look at bare legs on a girl, because that’s IMMORAL and you WILL GO TO HELL." But her legs are really pretty and I don’t want to sleep with her because her body's pretty, that's stupid!
Is it a sin just to look at bodies? I heard someone once say, "the body is God's tabernacle, therefore it must be kept hidden and secret, as it is sacred."
Isn't… isn't all of Creation God's dwelling in a sense? Shouldn't we glorify God through it and its visible existence, the glorious paradox of that? God created these things, God's handiwork is something we can touch, we should be motivated by that reverence whether we hide OR show something. Is that… is that blasphemous to say?

...



The biggest vices we are struggling with now are:
1. cheating
2. stealing food from family members
3. wasting food, almost compulsively
4. lying by omission or secrecy
5. apathy

Where did all of that come from???
Avarice, gluttony, those are vices we've never so much as IMAGINED before and yet here they are. Why??
We don't want to go to hell. We're a good person, deep down we ARE and we know it; we are naturally inclined to do good and help people, we don't want to sin at ALL, so why in the world are these sinful compulsions coming from?
Why do so many of them only occur during consciousness blackouts???
Why is our subconscious so ugly?
How do we fix it? It's sabotaging our very soul.

…

But every time I try to go "without God," I end up utterly miserable and paranoid and anxious and distraught and I feel empty and dirty and wrong and the only thing that can fix it is prayer, and church, and pure undiluted faith. Nothing outsourced, nothing reflected, no middlemen. Just my faith. Just turning to Christ, God become man, the Creator of all coming down into our little world out of love to save us from our corruption. I need God. I will always need God. And I need to be clearly aware of that too. No matter how disturbed or disillusioned or doubtful I my get with my religion, the core of it will never ever disappoint, by virtue of what it is in the first place.