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[prismaticbleed]

 
Woke up at 7
Prayers immediately.
Still so depressed & paranoid & miserable over last nights stupidity. Cannot rest with that looming sin of scandal.

Rosary
Jade shower

18 HOUR FAST, GOOD JOB

Mom church talk UNBEARABLE GUILT
"Endless weeping on the inside"
Despair creeping. Begging in prayer for forgiveness, for stronger faith
BRIEF EUCHARISTIC ECSTASY

Mom seller wait talk

Evening =
It is October 21st dude I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO HAVE THE AC ON HIGH.
I'm getting SEVERE panic attacks from the heat, the wind, and the twilight. Everything feels like imminent violent death.

...Laurie was talking to me, briefly, in the car. She's worried about the future of the System, and of the Core, since we aren't taking time to just BE anymore. We don't meditate or reflect. We don't "go inside". We don't even talk. If the "reality" we experience is affected by where we invest our attention-- I think of "feeding the two wolves," and of Philippians 4:4‐9-- then if we don't focus on our soul, on each other, the Spectrum will die.
...She said the warning signs are already evident, with how everyone is "blurring" into the Social automation, because the ONLY focus is on "the daily grind" and "the public performance" and the actual soul & self are being neglected. Therefore that skewed and fatal misfocus is bleeding into everyone inside. It's subtly reprogramming everything into itself, like a virus.
We need to fight it, but we only CAN by BEING WITH EACH OTHER. Like today's VOTD said, we NEED EACH OTHER. We were MADE FOR EACH OTHER, quite literally so, by GOD'S DOING. We KNOW that our spirit rots in separation, when we are forced to facade as a singlet. It's a lie, an abject lie. We are BLESSEDLY MULTIPLE and WE NEED TO START LIVING IT, OR WE WILL DIE.

We must start small. With our hyperbooked religious schedule, we need to take time to rest and apply and LIVE that religion WITHOUT abandoning the prayer & education.
Praying together MUST continue; I know the impatient and intolerant apatefoni have been trying to shut that down lately.
Nightly journals MUST return.
Nightly "couch talks" on super stressful says are ESSENTIAL. Honestly I think that's the closest we GET to each other anymore.
...


Eating the last carrot piece, prayed to truly appreciate it as God's creation.
TASTED THE "ORANGE" AS A COLOR??? Expansive mental perception feeling. Its NOT the superbright "fruit orange" we kept assuming. Its LYNNE'S hue. She caught it instantly and was almost moved to tears.
Its like how you can taste Red in blood, strawberries, tomatoes, etc. It has its own flavor. We tasted the Orange that way. It's in carrots, yams, squash, pumpkin. Its earthy but bright and there's a grounded glow to it? Bright but not like Yellow. Hard to phrase but we caught it in vibe!


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VOTD tied into last night.
MORE point blank convictions, painfully relevant. I need to SERIOUSLY type about these, like entry-grade typing. Make time.
Actually? PRAY FOR TIME. By ourselves we haven't been able to get a minute free. God can, and will, give you hours if you need them to glorify Him & supplement your salvation. So PRAY and SURRENDER, you nervous wreck of a control freak.
And stop being so cruel to yourself. That hurts God's Heart, too. Even towards yourself, it's still cruelty. You can insist its "tough love" and "needed correction" all you want, bit there's NO love in those words and they're weapons to wound, not surgery to correct.
Confess that. Pray for a greater ability to love, and a greater capacity to receive it. God knows we need that desperately.

"Sometimes we need to ask for help, and sometimes we need to BE the help. Do you need help, or can you offer it? Could you use a hand, or do you have some time, money, advice, or expertise? [Remember,] not only do you need people, but those same people need you. You have strengths, gifts, talents, and a personality that’s unique to you and beneficial to them— and vice versa. Why bury them in the ground, in the name of autonomy, when they can benefit others?"
God KEEPS slamming this lesson into my conscience. I'm so scandalized & shocked by it that I keep insisting it can't possibly be true. What hubris, you idiot!! If GOD is telling you then YES, IT'S TRUE!!! "But how do I know it's God, and not human wisdom or devilish lies?" BECAUSE YOUR CONSCIENCE IS DISTURBED YET DRAWN TO IT. IT RECOGNIZES DIVINE CORRECTION. IF IT WAS A LIE YOU'D BE PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE AND UNRUFFLED BY IT. YOUR GUILT AND SHAME AND GENUINE DESIRE TO DO BETTER ARE RESPONDING TO THIS WAKEUP CALL JUST AS GOD INTENDED. SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!!


KVOTD emphasized prayer being possible ANYWHERE-- defeating superstitious practices-- but yet NEEDING STILLNESS to be true, to be singlehearted in focus AND TO LISTEN TO GOD'S RESPONSE. Have you forgotten that prayer isn't "worshipping AT God," it's a DIALOGUE??? Or are you just THAT SCARED of conversation, because it requires "YOU"?

ttywpf = The Holy Spirit IS WITHIN ME. Trust that. Stop being crushed by your sinful unworthiness to the point of ironic resistance to transformation!!!
"What sort of Christian are you now? What sort of Christian do you WANT to be?" THE HOLY SPIRIT WILL ENABLE & ENACT THAT CHANGE IN YOU, IF YOU LET HIM!!!

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...also, for unknown reasons, autocorrect sees "doubt" as misspelled and keeps suggesting that the correction is "Christmas".
...The Holy Spirit is getting creative with His nudges, I see.

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Continuing Matthew Henry from last night.

Magdalene's love for Christ, modeled after observing Christ's Own Love towards her, was therefore=

"(2.) A condescending love; she not only bestowed her ointment upon Christ, but with her own hands poured it upon Him, which she might have ordered one of her servants to have done; nay, she did not, as usual, anoint his head with it, but his feet. True love, as it does not spare charges, so it does not spare pains, in honouring Christ. Considering what Christ has done and suffered for us, we are very ungrateful if we think any service 'too hard' to do, or 'too mean' to stoop to, whereby He may really be glorified."
This is why the devil cannot love. This is how pride kills the heart. This is also why for love, everything is pure joy.
Pride is so strange. It says, "I won't "get my elbows dirty" on their behalf, because such a disgusting state is far beneath my dignity & due respect!" Pride sticks its nose up at Charity because Charity wants to roll up her sleeves and wash the floors by hand, just so someone else is "spared the pains," and so they will have the joy of a more dignified and beautiful environment, and furthermore Charity doesn't want any credit or thanks-- she wants to remain anonymous. All she wants is for GOD to be glorified in her work, in her acts of love for the sake of Love. Pride, however, scoffs at the labor and smell and time and lack of reward, and prances off to entertain themselves with no regard for God.
I'm already babbling.
Christ "stooped" to the lowest possible place that Divinity could dwell-- mortal flesh, human nature, the very body of a species that had desecrated their bodies by sin. Yet Jesus was pure, perfect, innocent and inviolable... and He said nothing about it. He never boasted, never looked down on anyone, never claimed any special treatment.
Christ suffered hunger and thirst, exhaustion and fatigue, for us. Christ had dusty feet and calloused hands and He worked to earn an everyman's wage by hard labor and sweat. He was willing to trudge for days through crag and thorn and thunderstorm to save a single lost sheep. He was mocked, insulted, rejected, spit upon, beaten, and calumnied. He was considered a criminal, a heretic, a liar, and a devil. He was literally whipped bloody and nailed to a tree to slowly suffocate for three agonizing hours because He knew it would save us. NOTHING was "too hard" or "too mean" for Him, and why? Because love counts it all as joy, when it is endured for Love. And lest you forget... Love is Jesus. Jesus is God, and God IS Love. This is no fond human emotion. This is a divine fire, an all-consuming ardor, an altar of willing self-sacrifice to free us from death. Love is ALWAYS willing to give itself up to God as a "whole burnt offering" for the good of another-- never calculating "worthiness" or "merit," never demanding recompense or reward. All that Love wants "in return," if we may use such terms... is love. Love only desires love. BUT if love is of God, and love is for God, and love is from God... then God can ONLY love, and therefore EVERYTHING is a reason to love Him in return.
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
Jesus Christ is a new and amazing reality of charity. His very existence is a relationship, on every level. Christ deserves our love, yes, because He is God-- that is  piety, and truly a duty of all Creation-- but He also deserves love because He became man, and thus must be loved AS A MAN.
We fellow men must therefore imitate His love as men. In every way He was Divinely willing to suffer for us, we too must be willing-- in love!-- to suffer for Him, with Him. Every "menial task" and "humble service" He did for sheer love of us, we too must do in humble compassion for His sake, for our fellow man, who He unconditionally loved so much, and who we must unconditionally love as well. If we love Christ, we will naturally and necessarily love all mankind as well, for His sake as God made man, and for their sakes as man united with God in Christ.
Pride considers itself superhuman. Pride separates itself from the common folk of the world. Pride rejects the filthy body and foolish emotions. Pride is ungrateful because it feels entitled to all gifts. Pride refuses to suffer because it worships pleasure and rejects loss. Pride denies suffering because it idolizes power and control. Pride says it doesn't need God to become godlike. Pride rejects God because it has taken on that job itself. Pride sees only itself as deserving of love, if you can even call it that-- if Pride can even comprehend love at all. Pride denies Christ because Christ proves it wrong at every turn.
Christ is love. Christ is humble. Christ is gentle, good, patient, kind, and not afraid to suffer for you. Christ would drive three hours at 3am on a dime in answer to your distressed phone call. Heck, He would drive for days if He had to-- and of course He would "have to," because He would want to, because not loving you would be true suffering, unbearable in its lovelessness. But to endure fatigue, pain, expense, effort, inconvenience, exhaustion, and all other things? To be laughed at, scorned, fought against, betrayed, disowned? He would face it all without flinching-- without even considering the cost. All that matters to Him is love-- loving you, loving His Father by loving you, and touching your heart so profoundly by His love that you, too, would love Him, and in doing so glorify Him as God and as Love.
It's relationship. It's all about relationship. Between God and Man, manifested and personified IN and  AS Jesus Christ, ALL love is relationship, ALL love is sacrificial, ALL love is humble and generous and true and UNITIVE. All love brings us closer to God and to each other. All love connects us. The Trinity is Love. It's inevitable.
That's it. I'm exhausted. I hope this honored Him somehow. I pour myself out to empty like this because I do love Him too, however clumsily and stupidly I may scrabble in my efforts. But despite my weakness there is a spark spluttering yet sincere and shining as hard as it meagerly can for His sake alone. If all I can do is illuminate one inch of His pierced Feet then so be it. Glorify that. There is Love, in every last atom of Him. May He be loved forever by every last atom of me.


"(3.) A believing love; there was faith working by this love, faith in Jesus as the Messiah, the Christ, the Anointed, Who, being both priest and king, was anointed as Aaron and David were. Note: God's Anointed should be our Anointed. Has God poured on Him the oil of gladness above His fellows? Let us pour on Him the ointment of our best affections above all competitors. By consenting to Christ as our King, we must comply with God's designs, appointing Him our Head  whom God has appointed."
Her actions of love had her faith IN them, giving tangible proof of what she believed OF Him. That's such an interesting and edifying realization. Because she believed in Him as Messiah, as the Anointed One, she treated Him as such-- but not out of mere duty! After all, unsurprisingly, to BE the Messiah-- the Savior-- was to be in intrinsic relationship with those He was anointed for, TO save them. And, like David of old, that divine anointing was not mere duty either. It was an entering into a new and devoted relationship with God and His People, to be their Shepherd, to make God's Love known to them in a human way. Jesus was the perfection, fulfillment, and manifestation of that in His Incarnation AS God and Man. That is how HIS Love was "believing"-- everything He did from that love was essentially born from His unshakable, inherent faith not only in God as His Father, but in Himself as His Son, Who had been anointed by the Holy Spirit as the Savior and King of All People. All His actions were colored by this Truth, this Faithfulness of the Son Himself Who Is Truth. He could not deny Himself.
Oh Lord I hope my language is true of You, don't ever let me say anything untrue or heretical by accident or ignorance.
As for us men, do we acknowledge His anointing from on high in how we treat Him? Do we openly laud Him as our Savior, or are we afraid to admit our helplessness, our weakness, our dependence on Him, our need TO be saved? Do we still try to achieve salvation by our own power, asserting our own pretended ability to right all our wrongs, as if His Messiahship is unnecessary or superfluous? Do we treat His Priesthood as outdated by rejecting the very concept of sacrifice, let alone the need? Do we claim we need no Mediator between ourselves and God, that we are fully capable of free communication with Divinity, even capable of our own divinization? Do we worship Him as King, or do we sit on our own thrones? Do we paste His Name on the idols of reputation, wealth, success, honor, even entertainment? Do we obey His Law of Love and Life? Do we accept and enact His Rule in our public and private spheres? Do we go to war against the infernal foe to defend His glory and crown? Do we pay Him the tributes He justly demands & deserves? Are we willing to break our hearts open and pour ourselves out on His very Feet for love of Him, our Savior and King and God and Beloved?
Are our actions in line with our faith? How much faith do we have to work with? We know how much He is owed. We have seen countless proofs and have heard countless reasons. Have we committed? Are we putting them into action? Do we love Him enough to believe? Do we believe in Him enough to love Him?


"Here is charity to the poor made a cover for opposing a piece of piety to Christ, and secretly made a cloak for covetousness... we must not conclude that those do no acceptable piece of service who do not do it in our way, and just as we would have them do; as if everything must be adjudged imprudent and unfit which does not take its measures from us and our sentiments! Proud men think all ill-advised who do not advise with them."
I include this only because it further highlights the danger of self-idolizing religious hypocrisy. Yes, there IS a Law of God that ALL men must follow, and which no man has any right or reason to contest. BUT we must meet that duty with reverent humility & meek obedience. The instant we start thinking WE have the authority to tell others how to meet that same law-- then we are acting on pride, and we have stopped serving God.
Discernment is, as always, key. I am not giving any license to the cancer of moral relativism.
A true worshipper, someone who truly obeys the Law of Christ, the Law of Love, will never insist on personal preference as to the manner in which charity is expressed, because they rejoice in the virtuous act of charity itself, for God's glory and honor. And THAT is the key!! Regardless of particulars, IS God being honored & glorified AS HE TOLD US TO? Or are we using our Christian "freedom from literalism" as license for irreverence, laziness, or-- even worse-- elitism? "The way I'M worshipping is the HOLIEST way, and everyone else is being lax!"
I'm guilty of this, terribly. Scrupulosity fear can all too easily become a doorway for spiritual pride.
...

"Judas had no compassion towards the poor, no concern for them [as people]: what were the poor to him, any further than he might serve his own ends by being overseer of the poor? Thus some warmly contend for the power of the church, as others for its purity, when perhaps it may be said, Not that they care for the church; it is all one to them whether its true interest sink or swim, but under the pretence of this they are advancing themselves."
Again, pasting this because it's DIRECTLY relevant to last night's movie and helps me understand it.
Corrupt motives can corrupt ANYTHING and that is frightening. We can even do "good works" with apparently good ends-- like feeding the poor-- BUT with a selfish heart, whose only REAL goal is to gain power of position, or pride of reputation, THROUGH their action towards the poor. They are corrupting kindness by USING the poor AS A MEANS TO AN END, EVEN IN GIVING AID. But it is superficial aid. There is no real virtue in it. They have no love for the poor as persons, as individuals, as human beings. They're just a convenient canvas for "virtue signaling" or even the thrill of perceived "control," if they feel such lives are now dependent on their choices. To become their overseer, their "official" figurehead for survival, the one they look to as their hope and sustainer... such an overseer, if he keeps God out of the picture, will take God's place. And THAT is EVIL. It's too sickening to think about more.
The point is: this idolatrous mindset can infest ANY good works or interests. The example given about the Church made me dizzy. People DO THAT???
But... I can sadly see it as possible, somehow. Whenever "personal profit" becomes the driving force, in any sense or sphere, it corrupts. If someone sees that they can advance their own agenda by promoting the "purity" of the Church-- perhaps under such a pretense, subtly promoting prejudices against race, class, ability, or even background-- then such an "interest in the Church" is demonic. It is USING religion to OPPOSE CHRIST, the ultimate example of meek humility, selfless service, and unconditional Love.
That's always the bottom line, the key criterion, of the true morality of an interest in or support of any cause: is my action and involvement here serving Christ's cause, or my own? Am I seeking God's Glory alone, or do I want it for myself? Am I loving my neighbor as I love myself in this effort? Where is my love? Am I being a sheep or a goat?
Be careful. Pray always.
To further quote Mr. Henry=
"[Under righteous pretense,] the piety of some has been made to serve the policy of others; and darkly designing men have strengthened themselves by cleverly drawing good men into their interests... [but a truly] upright heart approves itself to God, and seeks no more than His acceptance; if it aims at the applause of men, [its entire enterprise is] upon a false foundation... This is a question we should often put to ourselves. I make a fair profession, have gained a reputation among men, but, is my heart right? Am I sincere with God?"


"[Judas may have had the care of the moneybag as a] judgment upon him, to punish him for his secret wickedness; that was put into his hands which would be a snare and trap to him. Note: Strong inclinations to sin within are often justly punished with strong temptations to sin without. We have little reason to be fond of the 'moneybag', or proud of it, for at the best we are but stewards of it... [and Scripture warns:] the prosperity of fools destroys them."
We have to be very careful with this language but it makes sense, and we have lived it.
A "strong inclination to sin" is like an evil magnet. It effectively ATTRACTS temptations-- at its worst, it may even CREATE them. God is NOT the tempter!! "See, the wicked one is pregnant with evil, conceives trouble, and gives birth to deceit." Sin is a virus, a parasite, a cancer, and it PERPETUATES ITSELF with malignant ferocity.
Honestly, whether we realize it at the time or not-- and we probably won't-- being that ruled by sinful desires IS ITS OWN PUNISHMENT. The "temptations without" are just tumorous outgrowth.
...


"The reigning love of money is heart-theft as much as anger and revenge are heart-murder... the guilt of theft and the portion of thieves [is] no jesting matter. Judas, who had betrayed his trust, soon after betrayed his Master."
Those terms are terrifying.
They also apply in both directions.
Anger & vengeance are also theft, as they steal away life and peace, depriving all involved of justice.
Avarice is also murder, as it kills all love and tenderness in your soul, and bleeds its victims dry.
...