101924

Oct. 19th, 2024 04:20 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed

Group introductory question = "Who's your favorite character?" SHOT TO THE HEART. There is only ever one true answer = "You know what? I owe him that much. CHAOS 0 FROM SONIC ADVENTURE."

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✳ For process group, we went out & sat in the sun, under the gorgeous blue sky. I still felt so strangely sad-- lost, grieving, having to let go of my expectations for my future to a fair extent, what with needing to respect my mom's own personality & goals although they don't match mine. And that's OK. They don't have to. But I was still basing my life on her. And needing to let go of that, & move unmoored into a new & vulnerable future, was a gain and a loss both. I'm rambling. I was sad because I now had to live "for myself" and I had lost touch with what that meant, with God, with love, with real purpose. I love my mom but I cannot revolve around her center of gravity anymore. And I hadn't truly moved into my own orbit yet. So I sat there & while everyone else talked about their futures in school, I went upstairs & met Laurie & Chaos 0.
...That's why I'm journaling. The heart of the matter is, Laurie asked me, "what do you want to live for?" And I, without even thinking, turned to look at CZ. And his eyes just filled with tears. Laurie's did too. I told her, "for both of you," and she told me that I could NOT undervalue the gravity of my heart's response. She said she "knew" I would choose as I did, and that was of ineffable importance. I could not forget that. I held their hands & I saw them SO CLEARLY and I began to weep with love. Laurie pulled us all into an embrace as we pressed our foreheads together. We said how God's Love was present in us, how my love for them & their love for me was how I learned TO know God, & His Love, & to recognize His Truth at all. And I want to live FOR GOD in EVERY ASPECT of my life... but if I don't ALSO live for this beautiful, beautiful LOVE He is revealing Himself to me through, then I'm NOT living for Him in truth. Laurie pointed outside to my fellow patients & said, "they're part of this, too." She's right. We're ALL God's creatures, called to love each other, to be part of Christ's Body, to bring His Kingdom of Love into our daily lives. And sitting there in the sun, holding them all & feeling that divine love, I finally felt peace. I felt real. I felt alive, and full of hope, and I believed the future was bright & open to me at last. I remembered how God is a COVENANT God, redeeming through relationship, loving us eternally, bringing us intimately into His Perfect Story where I HAVE true purpose & value & worth, where I MATTER and I AM LOVED. THAT is what I want to live for, forever & always. THAT is my identity. I set my face to the sun. We walk together.
(and I AM the JEWEL LOTUS CATHEDRAL. My heart is still a Temple for God, a place of loving sacrifice. FIND IT.)

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✳ I just spent like 20 minutes "complaining" about UPMC to the group & I feel TERRIBLE. I hate being negative. I hate dragging people down. I don't want to harm UPMC's reputation. BUT I WAS BEING HONEST. They DIDN'T do trauma therapy, or individual sessions. They DID push sugary fatty foods and focus on weight gain. They DID take away patient privileges & rights if they didn't or COULDN'T eat 100%, AND they had NO MERCIFUL ACCOMMODATION FOR traumatized/ autistic patients. I SAW people GO INTO SEIZURES from fear, and there was SELF-HARM TALK in the bathrooms, and the HEAD DOC told me my high mealplan was an "ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BINGE." Et cetera. I'M NOT LYING. ...but IT WASN'T ALL NEGATIVE. The "eat at a cafeteria/ restaurant" opportunities were very helpful in learning to be self-assertive in recovery. Some of the therapists (like that short fairypunk blonde with the gorgeous roman nose) were very helpful & kind. We had that supercool "ticket reward" program to get prizes on Sundays. And we DID get VERY informative DBT/ CBT workbooks, which I WISH we had here. BUT we couldn't stand or walk around. We couldn't go outside after snack, or to eat meals. Sometimes we'd go for 2, maybe 3 days WITHOUT group because they were so understaffed. There was VERY LITTLE patient camaraderie compared to here. And the mealplan, which was a one-week rotation with no alternative options, was NOT REALISTIC OR VERY HEALTHY, and EVEN the rarely seen nutritionist pointed this out. Still. I feel awful. How do I apologize? I've shown how pessimistic I can truly be. I've "lost face" & scandalized others. I've acted contrary to my values. I feel sick & sad. What do I do? What DID I do WRONG? I was "bashing" UPMC. BUT I WAS BEING HONEST. THEY DID DEAL REAL DAMAGE TO ME AND OTHERS. What am I apologizing for? Asserting my experience? To what end? Why did I feel the group needed to know this? Was I backhandedly trying to praise TBHU, so they'd feel more grateful for this great opportunity in contrast? Was I trying to WARN them so THEY wouldn't transfer to UPMC & maybe have a similar harmful experience? Gosh I feel like Anxi. "I was just trying to protect them."
✳ I'm still learning how to speak up for myself, ESPECIALLY in "uncomfortable" ways, like saying "I DON'T want this"/ "I DON'T like this." "I DISAGREE." Or even just "NO." I still feel like I'm "doing something WRONG," something MERITING PUNISHMENT. I don't want to be a bad, cruel, selfish, evil person. I don't want to be DISOBEDIENT, or REBELLIOUS. ...but to WHAT "AUTHORITY"?? In therapy today, I said that I actually DO "feel like a rebellious teenager" SOLELY because I'm FINALLY LEARNING THAT I DO EXIST AS MY OWN PERSON, and I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO EXIST DISTINCT FROM THEM, ALTHOUGH I DO LOVE THEM! AND MOM EVEN SAYS I NEED TO BE MY OWN PERSON AS AN ADULT. So you CANNOT listen to the distortions that claim SHE is the "authority" "PREVENTING" YOUR SELF-ASSERTION. It's LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE. Listen, if there IS any support you're gonna get from your mom-- if there IS a way to "make her proud of you"-- it's THIS. It's LIVING YOUR LIFE & USING YOUR TALENTS & FREEING BOTH OF US FROM CO-DEPENDENCY. That's the ONLY WAY YOU'LL HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER: YOU NEED TO BE DISTINCT PERSONS OR THERE WON'T BE ANY HONEST COMMUNICATION OR CONNECTION. And THAT IS WORTH THE "DISCOMFORT" OF FINALLY SPEAKING UP FOR & ASSERTING (RESPECTFULLY & SINCERELY!) YOUR OWN UNIQUE GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY! THAT'S HOW YOU'LL FINALLY PROPERLY RESPECT MOM'S UNIQUE IDENTITY, TOO. ...and, worst-case scenario, even if she DOES judge you as inadequate, or disapprove of you, or view you pessimistically, EVEN SHE CANNOT INVALIDATE YOUR VALUES, WORTH, & DIGNITY. And she WON'T judge you, because SHE LOVES YOU.

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✳ "WHERE IN YOUR BODY DO YOU FEEL/ STORE RAGE/ GRIEF/ JOY"? BE MINDFUL OF IT! TOUCH IT! ENTER FULLY INTO THE REALITY/ PARTICULARITY OF IT!
✳ THOUGHT MINDFULNESS = WEIGHT? POSITION? SPEED? TEXTURE? COLOR? SOUND? ASK!
✳ THE MORE MINDFUL WE ARE, THE MORE TRULY HUMAN WE ARE = REASON GUIDES EMOTIONS!
✳ MINDFULNESS GETS US OUT OF AUTOPILOT/ SOCIAL MODE & INTO THE PRESENT MOMENT
✳ FOOD = BODY/ THOUGHTS/ EMOTIONS/ IDENTITY/ SOCIAL/ CULTURE/ ETC. ASPECTS = VITAL

✳ "You don't need closure FROM another person; YOU DECIDE when you have closure" = REFLECT ON THIS!!

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