101224

[prismaticbleed]

I feel utterly invisible/ misunderstood/ alien today. I feel like a cryptid, or a myth. It's sad but too familiar. I just didn't expect it to hit here, now, after a month of community interaction. I just feel like my entire heart is a foreign language/ something I can't or shouldn't reveal. I've tried, but there's never any response of acknowledgement, let alone acceptance. I feel very sad, like I "can't LIVE here." I didn't journal yesterday & I think that set this off, because I therefore didn't "go inside" & connect with the REAL me = US. I did do a word search with Laurie right before bed & she kept telling me to "stay disciplined" & that simple shared time was so essential for my heart. THAT NEEDS to be TOP PRIORITY upon discharge, whatever else happens. ...On that note, there's a new girl today, & at snack we overheard her say that, on Unit 3, there are "lots of people with D.I.D.". Our attention SNAPPED into focus, but all she said was something like "they schizo-switch" & I THINK "other people in their head take over"? But maybe I'm autocorrecting, because whatever she DID say made our heart sink, & I wanted to speak up but couldn't from across the table. ...It just felt like a slap in the face, a "no alters allowed" sign; like a warning to "keep our mouth shut" & keep our heart a buried secret. I'm SO TIRED of "HAVING" TO HIDE US. I don't want to. Maybe I REFUSE to. Somehow I HAVE to bear witness to us, to CONFESS OUR LOVE because THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT LIVING AS A SYSTEM IS. And THAT'S why it LITERALLY KILLS ME TO STAY SILENT. Listen man, IF WE WANT TO ACTUALLY, TRULY, REALLY & FULLY LIVE, NOT JUST "RECOVER," THEN WE NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER, 24/7, ALWAYS & EVERYWHERE, IN THAT TRUE LOVE. We CANNOT "be ashamed" of the TRUTH, & we CANNOT DENY IT. But we HAVE to START NOW, & start small. Be realistic & prudent, but COMMITTED & SINCERE. Do NOT "casually disclose it" OR "list it" as just some diagnosis. IT'S NOT. IT'S LOVE. Actually? We should "PREACH WITH OUR ACTIONS"? Like, HOW can we WITNESS to/ CONFESS each other WITHOUT blithely sayng "I have D.I.D."? THAT'S a better option. WE ARE NOT OUR "DIAGNOSIS." So STOP SEEING & PRESENTING OURSELF AS A DSM-V LABEL. We're PEOPLE. We're a LIVING SOUL. We're a UNITED HEART! And ultimately IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY "MATTER" IF OTHER PEOPLE KNOW WE'RE A SYSTEM OR NOT-- WHAT MATTERS IS THAT WE ARE LIVING AS ONE, AS US, NO MATTER WHAT.