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[prismaticbleed]

all right i am SUPER LATE posting this because today has been so busy.

let's start with the short daily update.
i literally did not get out of bed until about 12:45. i'll explain why later.
i ate a large breakfast, with xenophon's help and company-- I decided to try making softboiled eggs after getting tips from my mom and i succeeded, so xenophon was absolutely enthralled by the "wiggly eggs" and was doing little wiggle-dances and everything. god bless her she is the cutest thing.
so breakfast was at like... 1pm. immediately after i did laundry, because after we got home from the hospital we donated most of the closet and now we have minimal clothes, which is actually a huge relief, but it also means we must wash clothes regularly or we don't have anything to wear. it's doable though, i prefer this to excess.

after breakfast and cleaning up, i got on the exercise bike and started saying the divine mercy chaplet when the phone rang. it was mom, saying yo hey, there's a MASSIVE food drive for thanksgiving going on near my workplace, are you available to come down and get stuff? because money is SO tight lately. i said yeah mum, absolutely, hopped in the car and headed off.
...well.
traffic was nearly at a standstill, thanks to thanksgiving, and so with the slow driving i was looping some particular songs on spotify, and... upstairs conversations started to happen.
we'll get to that.

we got home, stopped for a few groceries (genesis helped of course, so did xenophon actually!), left them off at the apartment, packed a lunch, and went immediately down to mom's to once again help her make thanksgiving dinner.
we were there from 630 to 10pm and honestly i barely remember it, except as "passive visual data," because when i am in such an environment i hit a very particular "social mode" and it drains me entirely.
i got home, xenophon insisted i eat an apple because i've been eating very poorly lately with all the stress, then we put the laundry away, i showed off the purple light in the kitchen for her, and then sat down at the laptop.
unfortunately i got distracted because apparently there are snapshots of our history online and i was just clicking through them, struck by the enormity of that simple proof that yes, you exist, you all have existed, this is the vapor trail you left. and... it meant so much, seeing those echoes, seeing laurie's old blog and CHAOS'S OLD FANPAGE and our ancient blurty and even the XANGA. god it struck my heart, i love our system so much, but we've been so disconnected since 2017... i needed this reminder.

but i also needed to type about today.

...i was up until 4am last night, archiving our tumblr faith posts, as there are so many but they're still very honest and real and that's part of our history too. so i'm backing them up like a machine, got it down to a science, we're almost done but it's arduous work.
so i planned to sleep in until 11:11. i woke up around 10:30, maybe even 9:45? earlier? maybe it was 9. i remember lying there with chaos 0 and hearing the phone ring for liturgy of the hours. maybe that was noon.
point is, i woke up earlier than the alarm, and... i was still mostly asleep. it was so hard to even get conscious. i was so tired.
but. half-awake consciousness is deadly. if you don't handle it properly, or if you don't have someone stable watching you like a hawk, you can fall into the subconscious blackstuff without even knowing what you're doing or saying.
there's... weird stuff in there. infi was born from it. that says enough, i think.

...i need to just... blurt this out. somehow. let me at least get rough notes down for myself and i'll fix it up later.

i get weirdly mechanically "sensual" in those mindstates.
there has been too much sexual trauma triggering going on lately. a lot of it religious. a lot of it physical flashbacks. i'm wrecked. i've been miserable to the point of self-abuse and near despair.
somehow my half-awake self arrived at this conviction that i had to perform that role again. just like it was when the julie days started. "god says you have to do this, and be like this, etc., or you're rebelling against him and sinning. you're wrong and broken if you do anything other than this good christian girl default behavior." that bible study i was invited to made things so much worse. but i want to be a good christian, even if i've never felt like a "girl," and that is tormenting me because am i damned for that? what do i do?
well. some twisted mangled part of my brain decided that, i need to force it. just... meet the criteria.
what am i even saying.
all i remember is telling chaos 0 that i was so afraid of my body and i didn't feel safe in it BUT if i had to live in it now, AND if i loved him as much as i did, THEN "according to my religion" i had to be okay with both this body and "giving it to him."
so... i apparently told him to touch it.
i don't remember details. thank god. not that he did anything wrong. he kept asking me why, and saying he didn't want to, that it felt wrong and we should stop, this isn't right, etc. i was... deliriously numb. empty. like a robot. like gigolo joe. like an object. a toy.
thank god chaos has too much love and integrity. he refused to do what i was asking. he knew it was wrong. i didn't. i felt it was "obligatory."
...still. it's not like he didn't touch me. he did. very carefully, concernedly, genuinely trying to figure out what i was after with requesting that. obviously confused but still compassionate, all the while i'm just hollow and going through the motions. he obviously knew. he refused to let it continue.
...i almost forced him to hurt me. i almost did. he stopped me. thank god. thank god.
i was so confused. so wrecked. why does the trauma behavior always come out when i'm barely awake? why do i always go back into the same corrupt mindset that perpetuated the hells of north carolina and salt lake city? that same nightmarish "performance mode" that i learned to do so bloody well, just to survive, just to be what I felt fatally expected to be?

...i don't remember what happened. i became slightly more conscious and when the reality of what just happened hit me, chaos deeply shaken, i just... spiraled into self-hatred and traumatized despair. i gave up. i refused to get out of bed. i couldn't even look at him. the body was remembering trauma and i wanted to die, i didn't want to be in this body, why was i asking you to interact with it, of course i'm afraid of it, now even moreso.
i almost hated him. i recognized that reaction. it's happened too many times before. someone sets off trauma, and i "hate them," and i want to run away and die and deny i ever knew them in the first place. erase everything. delete the past. distance myself from the horror.
i couldn't. i can't do that to him, ever. so i just lay there, wanting to sob but too scraped-out-dead to do so, and dear god i have to give myself credit for not letting go of chaos 0. i still wrapped my arms around him and my heart was weeping and i wanted to hate him and myself but i couldn't. he did nothing wrong. i screwed everything up. i nearly corrupted him. as always. i'm the real monster here, it always ends up that way.
it started to get late and chaos said i needed to eat, i was losing weight again and i was feeling so sick, staying in bed like this wouldn't help. i was too disturbed. he was right. i couldn't infect the place with that feeling.
i woke up and got ready for the day but everything is a blur. i didn't talk to him, i didn't even see him again until hours later.
i kept hearing him in the background. he was angry. i haven't seen him like that in years. when we used to fight over trauma like this. i'd do weird stuff and push him away and he couldn't understand and he hurt so much it turned to near-rage, and here it was happening again. he was talking to laurie about it, in heated tears, his body language all tied up in knots and his eyes a catastrophe of pain. he was shouting, with his emotion-words. he was genuinely angry with me and admitted it. but he loved me. that was always the bottom line. he was only so furious because he cared and he didn't want to see me doing this again, to myself or to him. to us.
it was all background noise. i don't even remember how xenophon showed up. it was so ironic that she did. here she was, a literal child, showing up to talk to her "dad" when said "parent" is wanting to eviscerate himself over the simple fact that he has a physical body that is capable of having children. i basically said "forget it, she's my daughter, i love her, this body isn't going to get in the way of that" and just threw my entire focus into spending time with her.
the whole time i keep feeling and hearing background agony. chaos 0 trying to grapple with his side of things. distant but there.

i didn't hear anything solid until i got in the car and got on the highway.
then suddenly i see chaos 0 walking up to rio and markus.
"i need to talk to you two."

...it was the most unexpected thing in the world.
the four of us used to be THE coregroup, back in 2004. we were inseparable, all joined at the heart. i don't know how we grew apart. maybe just the core shifts and trauma. but i'll never forget all the *incidents*, that's for sure.
maybe that's why chaos 0 went to them. if anyone could understand where he was coming from and what he was feeling, it was those two.

...they talked for a while. rio was the most talkative. that surprised me. except it didn't. yeah he's a quiet kid but not when he's invested in a situation. when he has something to say, he speaks up. and i'm starting to realize that that boy has a lot to say about deeper topics. markus didn't. he was feeling very yellow-- he vibes so hard with that gold, even moreso than purple, it's fascinating-- obviously concerned and distressed, whereas rio was more collected, his face more set, being very straightforward with advice. maybe it's because he's known me the longest of anyone in the coregroup, in a solid timeline. he's got major seniority rights. so it makes sense that he'd be not only that invested, but that good at knowing what to say. not even "guessing." but knowing. having the answers sincerely so.
...it... did my heart good just to hear them talking, even so detachedly at first, when i first picked it up. hearing all their voices together. seeing how they were still so comfortable around each other. hearing how they could discuss this so openly and honestly with each other. realizing that we all are still so close, even if we haven't actively acted on it lately.
...at one point i spoke up. i forget why or how. but i did. chaos heard. i practically felt the shock of angry pain and sorrow that jolted his heart in that moment. but he didn't snub me. he still loved me. i still loved him. that was the whole thing holding us together. that was why we were striving so hard to heal the damage.

i'm rambling a bit. it's 1am. but i want to remember this.

chaos told them very bluntly what happened.
rio was commenting on the closeness of this? and what it meant? like i'd NEVER ask anyone BUT chaos to do anything remotely like that.
all of them confused as to why i kept doing this

music. the music helped so much
i can't lie when music is telling the truth
at one point i just... jumped in. gave up resisting. i was conscious now. i was going to fix this.
"re-lived" morning memory. got back into the situation. talked through it.

"i can't love these parts of you like someone else could, someone human. you know that, right?"
"i don't want that. i want you. i'm sick of being idolized. i don't want anyone to love those parts of me. that's not the point. i just want to feel safe with you, like this."


long story short
we both ended up in tears, being brutally honest and vulnerable but that's what we needed, we just put everything out in the open, all teeth and tears and terror, and in the end he was in my arms and i was so sorry but he insisted i forgive you, of course i forgive you, just forgive yourself, please--

...

i'll type more details tomorrow. heck maybe not even. if i can't remember exact dialogue maybe we'll have a xanga session about it. julie still wants to talk. i assure you infinitii would have something to say about this.

OH.
xenophon "ghosted" her older self form this morning??? when she found out that chaos and I were in that situation that put us at odds. she briefly held that form, to talk to us... what did she say, i know she emphasized that she knew i wouldn't do anything bad, i didn't have the heart or guts to, she knew that chaos and i loved each other and she was so happy that we were her "dads" and she would do anything she could to remind us of the truth that was the reason for her existence. "i know you and i know you didn't do anything bad." it always comes down to that fear, for me, of being an abuser to myself and others, of committing a mortal sin out of sheer stupidity, et cetera. but here's my daughter, telling me that she only exists because i refuse to perpetuate that behavior and i'm bent on doing what's right, even when i'm scared and confused i am trying, god knows i'm trying so hard. and she sees that. it meant a lot to hear that from her actually.

laurie did so much for me today. how have i not mentioned her yet.
she's gotten so adamant in protecting and advising me lately. the other day i was writing about her and saying she had an "iron will" but then i paused, disturbed, remembering how unsure of herself she's been lately, and how her willpower has been slipping because of that lack of confidence in the righteousness of what she's doing.
well that hesitation on my part was all the motivation she needed. she basically said "enough of this, i need to be who xe NEEDS me to be." and she has been. god bless her, honestly, i love her so much. i need her more than air some days. she knows that.

xenophon too. god i love living with her now. some days it's just me and her chillin' in the apartment, me and my baby girl, like today with the laundry, her racing me down the hall and sharing breakfast with me and just being so excited and sweet about life in general. it means so much to me. i want to do better for her. i want to be a good "dadmom" to her, all the time, in everything i do. i want to be courageous and strong and i want to set a good example for her. i don't want her to feel like she has to take care of me. but god knows she does. she cares so much, she's a legit angel. i love her.

genesis too. geez man, the ONLY reason why i can survive walking into a walmart. i love that feeling when i step into a store and there's this flash of gold to my left and suddenly i see him grinning at me, and it's like i can breathe again. i'm real again. and he sticks around and keeps me conscious and we get through it together. i miss being close to him, too. i told him that today. yeah we're bffs and his sparkler-bright energy is such a refreshing presence, but his soulgem is still shattered and i miss feeling that. i want to spend more quiet time with him, seeing how that gold glows in the dark.

rio and markus, too. i miss "my three." i miss ALL of us being together, because we all love each other, we know that, we all remember how we shared both battles and dreams. we need to do that again. get back into heartspace. start having adventures again. live, not just exist.

chaos 0. my beloved. i love you. especially after this morning. yeah i'm still shaken over it. but we'll work through this. in a way i'm glad it happened because we got to talk it over and... i can be so honest with you. that's really what i want, that vulnerability, having a totally open heart with you. this physical body is secondary. it's not the point. thank you for emphasizing that.


last point to mention before i go to bed because i need to go sing at mass tomorrow morning and i need sleep before them. also it's thanksgiving which is a BIG TRAUMA DAY so we NEED to all regroup beforehand so we can survive the family dinner without totally shutting down and self-abusing from sheer stress.
my physical appearance and my internal vibe still don't match up and honestly i don't know if they can OR should. pronouns keep shifting. i'm "he" and "she" and "xe" and "they" all in one sentence. no one's really sure. i'm not either. i'm nonbinary but i lean more masculine internally, yet the body is afab and i am struggling SO much with that. hence this morning. but even amab would be tough because the problem i have is sexuality. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO TRAUMA. i need to get our collective ass into therapy soon.
laurie says we should seriously just do xanga sessions in the meantime. i agree. if we can't do one tomorrow night, we'll plan for friday. i want one to happen. honestly i miss them.

okay wow it's 1:30. i can't think straight. i think i need to heartspill about this privately before i can get a legit entry down. i can't write in total sincerity when i feel like it has to be "journal material." to heck with that. i'm tired of self-editing. no. gotta stop the whole social-mode garbage. that's not my job.

oh. before i forget. i talked to julie, knife, spice, and scalpel today. i briefly saw razor, i felt algorith nearby, some hints of wreckage.
we're still trying to find lynne. same with waldorf and josephina. leon is still around, i miss him too. we're not sure about most other people.
gotta work on that. i miss everyone so much.

oh dude also. when talking to rio and markus. LETHE AND MEDALLION WERE THERE. i've never seen them so docile and compassionate before. they were there solely because they were deeply concerned and this was THEIR discussion material of course. i know lethe actually spoke up at one point. and yes he's vibing with that half of his name now, notably so.

gotta sleep. more on this later.

just feeling very much in love with everyone and terrified of messing it up. god help me please. help me to be honest in sharing this but don't ever let me hurt anyone.
...julie is starting to feel like a warrior. like laurie. i think she's moving into a legit protector role. she feels determined to help me with this more than anyone. she feels like she has a lot to say. i want to hear it. i promise. we will talk. we must. we should. we will.

tired. thanksgiving tomorrow. i'm thankful for everyone and everything.

remember what eunice said.

chaos 0 i'll see you in five minutes, i love you, thank you for not giving up on my sorry ass, i want to be a better husband/wife/whatever. thank you for being an angel to me always.


the morning brings light without fail. so too with our hearts.